relapse after almost 4 month clean

Hey guys I'm here cause about 3 weeks ago I suffered a relapse that has lasted up until this thursday.I was clean after almost four months. I lied to my SO about it and hid it. I was caught by her. I'm in a really bad spot my relationship is on the rocks and I feel horrible and I think what has caused it is myself putting up barriers from being cometely committed to my SO. I have a massive fear of being rejected both emotionally and pysically. When I do I look for soughing remidies like porn. Porn has been an emotional staple for since I was very young and I have been trying to quit it for good since the last two years. It has almost/already has destroyed my SO's love for me and I have really damaged her. It has really put me Down the drain my whole life Pmo. Pmo has caused me to lose really good jobs, fail at uni, lose friends and it has destroyed the beautiful love that my SO and I once shared. I feel sometimes like there is no hope and everything is just going to happen no matter how hard I fight it. I have stooped to lowed I would never even dream of. I never knew it was an addiction until I tried to stop it. And since then about two years ago I have been struggling with the rushes and cravings. The worst part is I don't even find what I look at attractive and I don't want anyone outside of my SO But I have kept going back to porn. It doesn't make sense and no matter how many times I tell my SO that it not about that, it still means that to her. I want to live a life free of Pmo, not just so I can stay with my super duper amazing smart beautiful SO, But so I can become the person I want to be. I went soo long without Pmo and now am back to day four (square one) and I need/want never to go back again. I need tips on how to fight the urges when they become too strong. Please help