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Relapsed after 35 days - did I really walk around like this for years?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Fighter84, Jun 22, 2017.

  1. Jun 22, 2017 #1
    Fighter84

    Fighter84 Fapstronaut

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    this addiction sucks - relapsed last night and this morning. I feel like garbage.

    But after 35 days of no p or m, I feel like the silver lining here is i can tell a massive difference.

    I am depressed right now, a little angry, in a bad mood, touchy, tense, withdrawn. No fucking wonder Ive isolated so severely.

    During the last weeks of the 35 day streak, I felt virile and capable, wound up, and just kind of content and proud that I was at the forefront of the struggle. This feeling right now is fucking awful, just feel like a total loser. It's almost unbelievable I put up with this shit for so long.

    I can truly say from the bottom of my heart and out of a real understanding that this isn't worth the trade off.

    I failed to plan and so planned to fail. Not this time.

    Going to BJJ tonight, a serious physical and mental event that'll help wipe some of the slate clean. I'll be waking up early tomorrow to a new routine. Meditation, exercise, and journaling. Maybe even prayer. After that, realized I need to task myself with productive uplifting things and that I ALWAYS MUST HAVE A GOOD BOOK ON MY BEDSIDE TABLE. Partly fell because I was putzing around on my cellphone for like 1 hour last night tempting the devil to tempt me.

    Good fortune, wisdom, and insight to all here. Peace
     
    Fighter84, Jun 22, 2017
    Fighter84, Jun 22, 2017
    #1
    Barlow, CSLewis_YBOP and Mixtec like this.
  2. Jun 22, 2017 #2
    Mixtec

    Mixtec Fapstronaut

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    I really like how you said "1hour last night tempting the devil to tempt me"...it's my same mistake. Lets get back up and start running away again
     
    Mixtec, Jun 22, 2017
    Mixtec, Jun 22, 2017
    #2
    Fighter84 likes this.
  3. Jun 22, 2017 #3
    Fighter84

    Fighter84 Fapstronaut

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    Let's do it brother! I hate this shit. Sick of it. I want to live and be free.
     
    Fighter84, Jun 22, 2017
    Fighter84, Jun 22, 2017
    #3
    Mixtec likes this.
  4. Jun 25, 2017 #4
    Barlow

    Barlow Fapstronaut

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    Hi Fighter84, your post is very powerfull I can relate to it because I feel the same way. "Tempting the devil to tempt me" this is very true, I've relapsed a lot of times and actually know the routine. First you feel bad because of the struggle, right now i'm really anxious for instance without any direct cause, then you want this feeling to end and as you say, your mind starts to tempt yourself to be tempted. You should be strong and stop these urges at the very start, if you're resisting certain images your already too far down the line I think. I never thought my mind could work in such diabolical ways against my own will but it does. I think this is why most Fapstronauts advocate stuff like meditation, cold showers, workout routines etc, just to prevent this from happening. Good luck!
     
    Barlow, Jun 25, 2017
    Barlow, Jun 25, 2017
    #4
    Mixtec likes this.
  5. Jun 25, 2017 #5
    SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

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    My Journal
    I know what you mean. Lately I've really been thinking about the idea of "living life by design, and not by default." Whenever I find myself just screwing around because I'm bored, I know I'm in dangerous territory. I need to live my life with intentionality. If I'm going to get on social media, I'm going to have a particular reason for going there--and a time limit for how long I'm going to spend.
     
    SuperFan, Jun 25, 2017
    SuperFan, Jun 25, 2017
    #5
    Mixtec likes this.

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