Rupture in the air

Hello everyone,

I would like to share the story of the no porn journey (although it may seem fantastical at times I assure you it is accurate and real).

The night was young, the ancestors were not happy. They struck the ground with a force greater than the addiction itself, they sucked the life right out of my wife's body. I was terrified as I lay there trying to revive her lifeless body. Moments before that my wife had asked me if I watched pornography, to which I initially replied no. She lied to me, a life-changing lie, "she said that she would not be upset with me". After telling me this, I said that I did.
My wife lay there for five to ten minutes, I tried to revive her, I tried everything. But, she came to, her memories slowly came back, it was as if she had a lifetime of an experience while she was "away". The ancestors are there to guide us toward a better society, pornography was not the way. Thus started the move away from pornography, much to my dismay. This was two years ago.
Up to this point I had been watching pornography ever since I was in grade school. It was normal, completely normal, but at the same time I felt that it was wrong. My family, cousins, brothers, uncles, friends, almost all the male individuals in my life deemed it acceptable. As the "delta-phos-B" accumulated in my brain due to pornography the urge to watch it did not seem such a bad idea, it felt right. Everyone I came across said that it was just part of being a man, it is something you can't control. In a sense they were right, but in a deeper sense they were ignorant of how the brain rewires itself, leaving an individual incapable of accomplishing feats that would otherwise be readily attainable.
After the life-altering event I began a series of tasks that would help me in rewiring the pathways in my brain. I had to run, I had to draw, I had sit in nature without any communication with anyone and without electronics in face for the first half of the day for about a month. This was tough, but it became easier, yet it did not become a part of me. I had to carry around rocks that represented the bad qualities of life (lust, selfishness, anger, fear, sexualization, objectification, etc). I also had to refrain from having intercourse with my wife for months. There are many other tasks I had to do, but I will not share them at this moment. It occurred to us, that these tasks were meant to help my rewire my brain.
For about two years I went without watching pornography. During that time, many things happened that were troubling and terrifying. Until recently, I was porn free. I watched it again two weeks ago. All those familiar feelings of excitement and relief came along with it, it was as if the past two years meant nothing. This was troubling on one hand, yet (on a very personal level) fulfilling on the other.
The two years that I spent without watching pornography brought to light the capabilities that I had, the capabilities that slowly dissipated when I first got addicted to it. I was a bright child (before I was introduced to the sexualization of women), ready to tackle the world of science at a young age, now I am troubled soul desperately trying to rid my head of the images of scenes in pornography, and I am still fighting off the urge to watch it again.
I have psychologically hurt my wife, my children, my family, and myself. My wife and my family do not deserve to be put on a back-burner as I go waste my mind and time on something that does nothing wholesome for me as an individual, nor for society as a whole. The hold is strong, but I know it must be broken.