Seemingly nice fellow

Hi!


I am a 27 year old guy. While I am writing this, I realize that my life has been dominated by pornography for over a decade. That is a lot. I come across as a shy and timid person, labeled as a nice guy since I was a kid. Masturbation was something very different when I was a kid, when I first started, and that was a long time ago. I didn't watch any kind of pornography then. Similar to what others have given as their experiences, it was something which was to be hidden, it was shameful. Not just because of the kind of social environment I am from, it was because I had hit puberty early. I noticed girls much before others did and I think that's why I was more ashamed and embarrassed than others. People used to keep telling me, and they still do, that I am bright, I have great ideas, but I always seem tired or unenergetic. I didn't have a girlfriend till I was 24. Believe it or not, my first kiss was traumatic. I functioned a bit better when I was with her, but after we broke up, things started sliding back, slowly. To cut it as short as I can - I regret that I will never be able to experience all that my friends had when they were teenagers. I look back at all the missed moments and opportunities, and I feel bad. But with that, I also don't want to fall into a slump again. I want to be satisfied with my life and not cower to my bedroom for fleeting instances of release.


More recently, last year and these few months I had turned to watching very degrading porn, horrendous porn. I had turned to chatting with females who had fantasies about degradation and humiliation. There was no pleasure at all, there was just that and there was nothing else. This has to be the lowest point in my life. I had gotten to a point where I just didn't care about my other responsibilities. I knew that I was going somewhere that I really didn't want to be. The first few times, it felt so wrong to write such abusive words, and I wondered why anyone would do that. But isolation and loneliness pushed me, I was so desperate to get any kind of attention from the opposite sex, I anonymously pretended to be an abusive male who treats females like dirt, because some females like to chat about being treated like that and get off on it. I would never do such things, or say such things in real life. But once I ignored the initial disgust I felt, it was easy to become that person, because being that person gave me some sexual attention. Even if it was from someone who I didn't know and was far away. But I guess that made it easier.


If you have actually gone through the entire post, I am surprised and I thank you. But the important bit is here at the end. I know I am not that person, I remember who I used to be and I know what I want to be. It seems strange to write this, but pornography has taken away so much from me, I still don't quite comprehend it. I really don't want to get back to it. I used to keep thinking that I won't need to watch pornography when I have someone loving me back or when I am accomplished. Depression surely feeds my addiction, the days I am happy, I don't watch porn. But this 'need' is what has been taking away my precious time here. It doesn't matter what caused what now. I just know both don't have any place in my life anymore. The hardest part for me right now is accepting what has happened, accepting that I won't get those years back, that I will not get a second chance to experience all that I couldn't. I am afraid I won't know anything else. It's like I am just starting to learn how to flirt with girls or approach girls I like. I act so immature for my age when it comes to that. That shyness is often why I am called ‘nice’ by many. Last year I hadn't masturbated for a 5-6 days (a rarity) because I was concentrating on some work that I enjoyed. I met this girl at a workshop who I kind of started liking. But after a couple to days, the flow of emotion was so overwhelming. I hadn't felt that for so long, but it was an overload. It felt good to know that I could still feel that.


Anyway, the last para was supposed to be shorter. I am here because I want to live my life the way I want to, and that means being free of the hold porn has on me. I am glad I found this place Here's a Hi5 to all of you (with cleaner hands than mine )!

 

Thanks Colin! I really appreciate it a lot! This is all new information for me, I had made half hearted approaches to finding solutions, and before late had not found anything helpful. I will surely follow your advice.

 

Thanks Seadoo54! I am trying my best! I appreciate all the support I am getting here!

 

Thanks Ethernet! I was born in 89. It has been a struggle all these years, but I have slowly gotten better at it. I know exactly what you mean by compounding all the negativity. I realized that it was also my body which was in so much pain because of the continuous M. Thank you for your support!

 

Hey Daniel! This place is great! So many people here who understand and are here to help! I had the phase where I used to loathe myself for messing up so much, but you slowly learn to leave it behind. I am still learning. But I have realized that sometimes when you find yourself in a better place, you realize that you do have good memories. It's not all bad. It may not be the same as others, or what you might have 'liked' them to be, but they are nice nonetheless. How has a perfect teenage anyway? Let's keep in touch and keep at it together