Self Inflicted Loneliness

I do not feel deserving of a partner because of this "habit" - this addiction.

I have felt this way for some time, but it felt most clearly earlier this week. I have not been clean from PMO at all - I hit a real binge after 4 days of sobriety from it and have really not tried to get back on track. My mind has been rampant with desire and want and thought for weeks now and I finally downloaded dating apps again in the hopes of filling the void - despite the state I am in.

For reference, I am not fond of dating apps - I find the idea of matching with people based on short quips and a couple photos incredibly off-putting, yet I still yearn for romantic contact that I give in.

I matched with a handful of people, went on a date with two, though there was one who is incredibly gorgeous, downright beautiful, though has the personality of a brick - lust tells me to go for it, to let her invite herself over as she wants, yet there is this barrier. I cannot be physically intimate. I will not - and the idea of being just that scares the shit out of me.

I feel like I am a terrible person - I am so incredibly scared of manipulating someone because I feel like I am worthless and a fraud based entirely because of this thing. I make sure I am abundantly honest in the hopes that they see the truth and realise "oh you're just the same" - yet they don't. I value you myself so little that the idea of me in a relationship seems impossible.

Apologies if this is the wrong place to type this kinda thought out - I just need to get it out of my mind.