hey guys, I've had an addiction to this stuff for years, since I was 14. I first saw it much younger. I am 23 now. I suffered sexual abuse from a relative at a young age, which i believe is the reason for the anal fixation I developed through porn use. Strangley, I didn't enjoy it much in real life. I dated and lived with a girl for four years without telling her. I finally broke down because I knew I needed help and told her the full truth. She stuck around for a while, then left me for about a month. She said she couldn't take my self-loathing. During this month I agonized over losing her and worked out and ate a lot daily. Always tried to stay productive and cleared my head quite a bit. I got her back! It was amazing and my past didn't phase me. We decided to elope and are getting married in December. She said she realized that she would rather love me and be there than not. However, the last few days have been rough for me. I can't shake this feeling of impurity, like I don't deserve to be with her for everything I watched and was in to. She insists it's ok, but I can't seem to justify to myself the things I did and watched, and she says that all that matters is that we are here now and want each other. I need help with how to look at this situation and all the filth I was willingly watching so I can embrace a life of love. I have moments of clarity, but my mind keeps regurgitating images and things that make me feel shitty and undeserving of her love. I don't want to push her away again.