Self-Loathing and feeling unworthy of love

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Dead inside, Oct 18, 2018.

  1. Dead inside

    Dead inside Fapstronaut

    hey guys,

    I've had an addiction to this stuff for years, since I was 14. I first saw it much younger. I am 23 now. I suffered sexual abuse from a relative at a young age, which i believe is the reason for the anal fixation I developed through porn use. Strangley, I didn't enjoy it much in real life. I dated and lived with a girl for four years without telling her. I finally broke down because I knew I needed help and told her the full truth. She stuck around for a while, then left me for about a month. She said she couldn't take my self-loathing. During this month I agonized over losing her and worked out and ate a lot daily. Always tried to stay productive and cleared my head quite a bit. I got her back! It was amazing and my past didn't phase me. We decided to elope and are getting married in December. She said she realized that she would rather love me and be there than not. However, the last few days have been rough for me. I can't shake this feeling of impurity, like I don't deserve to be with her for everything I watched and was in to. She insists it's ok, but I can't seem to justify to myself the things I did and watched, and she says that all that matters is that we are here now and want each other. I need help with how to look at this situation and all the filth I was willingly watching so I can embrace a life of love. I have moments of clarity, but my mind keeps regurgitating images and things that make me feel shitty and undeserving of her love. I don't want to push her away again.
    Deleted Account and moonesque like this.
  2. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Well you are asking the right question in the right place. How are you drawn to recover?

    Therapy, 12 steps, rebooting, or all?
    Could start and link a journal to your avatar like I and some do.
  3. moonesque

    moonesque Fapstronaut

    You say you have moments of clarity, what does that mean to you? How is it different than the moments not?

    You can work to increase these moments of clarity, but think about the ways those happen and contrast them with times thoughts “regurgitate”. Sometimes being aware of this you can prepare yourself, and sometimes you can stop them all together. Its like learning to roll with a punch, and then learning to not be there for the punch at all.

    You deserve love and compassion, just like every person. Those actions are not you, they do not define you. I know its so difficult not to associate with them or just when they are recalled, the disparity is harsh. She loves you and you must also love you.

    If someone who loves you is telling you that you’re okay, and you are not knowing that for yourself, are you loving yourself?

    Easier said than done anyway, but take some time to practice self-care and learn what that means for yourself, talk about it with her.

    Making choices and investing time and effort into yourself will begin to build consistency of care and goodness as well, this will also help remove the thoughts about your past defining you, or some impurity.

    I made a few different points here, but who you are can never be tarnished by actions, not if you choose to be yourself in the end. I wish you the best, these emotions are really difficult to deal with, letting go of that negativity is difficult. Feel free to reach out.
  4. When I first learned of my husband's PA, I thought, we'll just watch it together and then he won't have to lie. That was a big mistake. His PIED was severe and I thought the P would help him. I suggested a few extreme things to watch because like you I was abused. It warped my mind toward the really bad stuff. He may have been lying but Even my husband was like, oh that's sick. Anyway I felt really bad about it and was disgusted with myself and decided to not do that anymore. I'm not an addict so I really didn't want to watch it anyway but I was surprised how my perspective was so distorted that I didn't see this P as worse than other P. I felt horrible for days, then I decided to forgive myself. I made a mistake, I won't repeat it. You can let it go and not let it have any more power over your life. We all make mistakes and are ashamed, the important thing is that you are trying to get better and don't want to poison your mind anymore. Great job and keep it up, you can do it, look what you've accomplished so far.
    Trappist likes this.
  5. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

  6. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

    It feels to me that your shame is rooted in the abuse you suffered. I remember feeling to blame when a boy a little older than me did some stuff to me forcibly. I remember being ashamed when another kid told the neighborhood what he saw “us doing”.

    Even as the SO of a PA I have to be careful not to take the blame for his problem.

    I’d suggest looking into help for the abuse. It might make letting go of this sense of shame.

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