self worth and relationships

Addicts form relationships with their object of addiction. It quickly becomes the primary relationship in their life and all other relationships start to wither. Our addiction gives us the illusion that our emotional needs are being taken care of. Our addiction makes us believe that we only need porn and we don't need people. We develop delusional thinking and somehow believe that porn is all the comfort we'll ever need, that it will always be there for us, and will always make us feel better.

A person cannot have a healthy relationship if they are in love with their addiction. And getting clean while starting a new relationship can doom it from the very beginning. A person needs to address their addiction before they can form a healthy relationship with someone else. A relationship cannot start off with lies and deception, nor should it start with a request to help you get clean. We're glad to see you addressing this issue before it robs you of all the good things that might come your way.

 

I absolutely relate to the feelings of low self-worth and confidence. And it's only been after overcoming PMO that I've seen just how much of it was due to my addiction. According to most metrics, I'd be considered a very eligible bachelor. But because of my struggles with PMO I definitely didn't feel that way--I saw everyone around me happily building relationships while I wondered how such a thing was possible.

Recently I realized that this was because I feared (but also desired) intimacy and closeness. Perhaps the fear of letting someone in and finding out about my PMO problems is what caused me to push people away when they started to get too close. Now that PMO is in my past, I'm working on myself to allow myself to be vulnerable and let other people in. I don't want people to feel I'm uninterested when I actually am, but am just anxious about being hurt or rejected.

 

Quit porn. That's all you are going to hear on this site, because we are such huge believers. Sounds like snake oil; "quit porn and your social anxiety will go away, you'll no longer be depressed, you'll feel a broader range of more intense emotion, be more productive, more creative, more confident, be able to 'read' others better, your skin problems will clear, your voice will grow deeper, your childhood dog will resurrect from the grave," but it's all true. Except for the last three, I can't guarantee those. But there's a chance.

Seriously, just quit porn. After that, you can work on confidence. And don't worry about ruining your chance with her while you recover from porn. If she's a good fit, you'll find a chance later and if not that, you'll make one. Quit porn. And fantasy, quit that, too.

 

I totally agree with @Meshuga and @i_wanna_get_better1. The shame that comes along with looking at porn can be crippling. It not only affects our self-esteem and self-image it can make us believe the biggest lie of them all. Know what that is? That because we look at porn we are unworthy of love and respect. And once we start to believe that about ourselves, we are in big trouble. We struggle with depression, interacting with other people, have suicidal thoughts and host of other bad things.

I'm here to tell you that it's a lie! Want to know what the antidote to shame is (according to Dr. Brene Brown, who by the way, changed my life and is my hero! Watch her short TEDx talk on shame at: http://www.mymensgroup.net/overcoming-shame-resources.html)? Vulnerability and Empathy. That's right, we have to work at being vulnerable with other real and authentic human beings and have them be empathetic to our situation. Shame needs three things to grow exponentially in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment. She explains that by talking about our shame with a friend who expresses empathy, the painful feeling cannot survive. “Shame depends on me buying into the belief that I’m alone,” she says. Here’s the bottom line: “Shame cannot survive being spoken, it cannot survive empathy.”

This site is a great start for practicing being vulnerable with people that will be empathetic but it needs to happen face-to-face in real life too, not just online. When the shame starts to go, you will start to experience self-worth, self-confidence, peace, a lightness in your soul, etc.