SO needs advice; PA trying to quit for 1yr but now 0 motivation. Pls help!

Sam can carry Frodo but he can't carry the Ring.

 

This is all on him, not you. You can not force him to do the recovery work but you can help and support him. How? Everyone is different. But it sounds like if you don't say anything he will just push it all to the back and try to forget it. I know my BF is like that, I've asked him if he would rather me not say anything or give him a push/ask about it and he wants me to push. He needs that. Your BF really needs to do the research, he is very defensive and that will get you nowhere but pain and anger. The defensiveness is likely from shame and feeling judged even if you are not judging him and talking calmly. I think if he would just do some reading, join a forum or group it would really help him through this and into true recovery. In the beginning for me I linked my BF to a bunch of stuff I had found. Websites, books and videos. He is finally starting to do the research himself but it is slow going. If you can get him to read anything the site yourbrainonporn.com is a good place to start, they also have a book.
Otherwise make sure to take care of yourself. Stick to your boundaries and do things for YOU. I know it is hard to step back, but sometimes that is what is needed.

 

@Salt & Light

Recovery is work.

After maybe 6 weeks into my reboot, in February, I was white knuckling.
I know from my past the 12 step groups definitely ease that. I got my courage and started going to an SAA meeting, now abt three a week.

Nothing like one addict speaking to another addict. Hearing where all this PA can go is sobering, chastising and
Enlightening.

If some have a thing against religion and hence the program.

Don’t do that.

You can select your own version of a higher power, some use the group, some use nature, some use the inner creativity we have within. One is still looking and silent during a prayer.

I’ve just bought Russell Brands book on recovery as an audio book.
Recommend he (or you both listen).
It’s kind of a walk through the 12 steps in his experience.

RB notes his best thinking got him to where he is. Having a group and directions home works.

12 steps help catalyze recovery.

Draw your boundaries and don’t accept abuse or meanness.
Take the hubby label off of him and just look at behavior?

Wishing you the best
To you both!

 

@Trappist It is wrong for an addict to use the Group as a higher power. It is not a cult, nor something that provides any sense of spirituality. If you know people that are like this, they may need to spend some time finding a real higher power to believe in, as the group could just disappear.

@Salt & Light You mention your SO is clean for a year, but binges for weeks at a time. I'm confused by this. Is he actually claiming he is only watching P for weeks on end, and not finishing himself off to it? This sounds like he is lying to or gaslighting you as his actions and words don't make sense. Before recovery, I know plenty of times I "decided" I would innocently watch some P for a little bit and not M to it. Not once was I successful in that endeavor. I also escalated to a lot of P viewing in public before I started my journey, granted I didn't M in public, but it would happen nevertheless once I got home.

The manifestation of the addiction is a vicious cycle of shame and guilt. The defensiveness is also a representation of the self preservation of the addict. They don't want to see or hear or acknowledge the damage they do to themselves or others. He might say he wants to leave the addiction behind, but his actions and words don't align. He can't begin recovery by ignoring, avoiding, or defending it.

Sounds like he is starting to make some progress by changing his routine with working out. It is a small step, but it is a start. You need to acknowledge that. He has a 400 lb weight of addiction on him, and every little bit taken off helps him from getting out from underneath it.

His lashing out over your boundaries is again another manifestation of the self preservation of the addiction. It is the addict talking, you have to be firm and tough with him about it, and be prepared to enforce your boundaries. The addict is a 4 year old narcissist, they will pout, beg, plead, and stomp loudly if they don't get their way. Feel free to put him on timeout or restrictions when that happens.

As for taking the next step, he needs to actually take the first step. I think he's got maybe half way through it by acknowledging he has a problem or addiction, but doesn't realize his life has become unmanageable and he is powerless against it. If he can't get there or see that, you might have to start enforcing your boundaries until he does, or move on with your life. Those are decisions you both have to make for yourselves.

 

If someone is suceptable to a cult, then there is that.
But someone who is an agnostic/atheist seems like one resistant to cults?

Using the group as a HP is more of being willing to take direction and ask for help that along with the rest of your good observations above suggest.

 

Not sure what advice I can give because intrinsic motivation is necessary for him to recover and I haven’t understood how to help intrinsically motivate someone else. If there is a way, it’s challenging.

My one piece of advice: The journal is a great start for him and it must be private for it to feel like a safe space to process things. Sure, secrets may go into the journal but the journal itself is private, not secret. The secrets will exist with or without the journal but the journal can help him. My boyfriend’s journaling was part of the start of his real recovery and my abstaining from reading it was the start of me making room for his responsibility to recover for himself. This is similar to him having a therapist or an AP who isn’t you - the point is that even if he can’t reveal his shame to you yet (big yet here) if he can disclose it somewhere and can truly begin to recover and get the ball rolling that is what matters most, at least in terms of his personal recovery.

Best of luck

 

Recovery likely needs to be as intensive as the addiction?

I was advised not to ‘play poker’.
Poking my wife in the ribs saying ‘that’s for you’ in another program.

My wife isn’t like that too much, but I wish at times she would join me in the recovery a little more.

 

I hope i'm not repeating anything that's already been said. I'm not sure what white knuckling or gaslighting is, but I assume white knuckling is just bearing it with brunt until it goes away?

A few points.

1. although many here say that PAs have no rights to secrets from their SO, and to an extent I agree. However, success and results are worth the small cost for a few reasons, enough to acquiesce to his secret journal:
   1. he is obviously still incredibly embarrassed and ashamed about his viewings and his pride dictates that he can do it so long as you don't see the full scope of it
   2. porn addiction (not just sex or MO addiction) causes a craving for dopamine, when that craving is being satisfied, it creates its own stressors, depressors and misery for the addict. It is very likely that after a while, his behaviour may recover and he will be more willing to share it, as he builds his self-confidence due to successes and feelings of regaining control, so the small sacrifice of initial secrecy may pay rich dividends and inspire him to move forward (conjecture I know, but possibility)
      
   3. it allows him to control his recovery, which is important. If he doesn't want to recovery, he won't. If he doesn't feel like he is controlling his recovery, he also won't recover.
   4. Nonetheless, you should create certain caveats. For example, you both should write journals together at the same time every day or whatever, even though while they are secretive. Maybe by then the public action of giving him your journal to read (you said before that you allow him to read it), would force a level of reciprocity. Either way, it ensures that he is writing in a journal
2. If he doesn't research it by himself, then I would suggest research with him. (i'm not sure if that's what you meant by showing him articles and books and whatnot). Meaning wait until he is next to you, and beckon him to join you as you look at answers to questions, and encourage him to ask his own. It won't work the first time, but it may later
   
3. Encourage more out of the house, out of the car, behaviours that you can do together. You can always do something innocent like you need a break from work or something, you feel cooped up in the house and you would like to do something and want a partner
4. You mention that he goes off and plays his games. Even if you do not like games (i myself do not like games), I would go and join him, bring popcorn and just talk with him about the game or join in. It gets him used to you partaking in these things that he finds solace and refuge in (associates you with them after a while), and gets him used to do these things with you. my wife did that, in a different scenario, and I enjoyed it thoroughly.
5. This is weird, but classical music made my brain feel a bit more hale and was a huge factor in regaining my composure and commitment to sobriety.
   
6. I enjoy when my wife cheers my successes with me and then encourages me to go forward and even celebrate milestones. It's a huge motivation boost
7. It's difficult to relapse and then feel that you can still do it. I think you are right in protecting yourself, but in addition you can also showcase that you believe that he can do it, even if he has relapsed, he can still go on.

Anyway, call me crazy, wrong, naive, or completely out of whack, but those are my thoughts.

 

Of course. You can't force someone to share secrets, but you can encourage it though make them feel that not only are you a safe place to unburden and share but that by doing so, they feel relieved to the extent that other places of refuge may no longer be as necessary. Then again, what do I know, I'm an addict.

not necessarily. I do believe that the recovery of the addict is of paramount importance, because their recovery is your recovery in a way. You are probably suffering some level of betrayal trauma or deceit or whatever, and trust is low. By him recovering, you will be able to build trust again and heal, with him not recovering then it'll just be deceits and halftruths and lies again, which isn't good for your recovery. Nonetheless, you shouldn't negate your own needs and whatnot. It is your life. He is lucky that you stayed with him, but you are not a sober companion or counselor, you are someone entitled to your life. I'm not saying to give up, just not to be too selfless.

Well that's the beauty of joining him in the gaming. It is no longer an escapism but a joint mechanism for spending time together, enjoying each other's company in something that doesn't lead to higher levels of argument of anxiety. It's simple, it's easy and it's together. You're repurposing his escapism and redirecting it, essentially. Anyway, that's my point of view.

I don't know why this worked for me. I also started singing regularly for a community centre, which has helped me. there have been studies about classical music's effect on the brain, but it could just be me. That's why I said it was weird.