Someone Worth Changing For

Hello Fapstronauts,

I feel like delivering the long story of why I'm here. If you want to skip to the end I'll provide the TL;DR version.

Last year in August I began dating a women that would change my life. Over time I began to adore her. She was kind, respectful, clever, smart. Being from a different culture, this girl had very different views on relationships from my own. Reader, you and I can call her Homie

I am 23 now. I had grown up without a father or a solid male role and my mother put aside dating to raise me. Perhaps some of you are like this too. The lack of a male role model never bothered me, it was just apart of life, you figure it out on your own (shaving, dating, dancing).

Unfortunate I found a bad role model. My boxing coach was a very successful fighter, professional and Olympic and was very successful with getting the women he desired. As we began training together more I began hanging out with him. When I tell people this they are surprised or worried some pedo shits going on. Relax, my coach was maybe 5 years older than I. We would often hang out and drink when he wasn't instructing me or I helping him with schooling. Unfortunately I began to admire and adopt his mindset on women. He had little respect for them. He claimed,

"It's ok to have your nice sweet wife and bad b*tches on the side. I'd rather take a slightly ugly wife and know other men won't pursue her than a hot one."​

So I began to believe this sexist mindset. By the way, I'm a virgin. As a virgin I admired his success with women. In adopting this mindset I achieved some false sense of confidence and a different view on women.

So I took this mindset along when I began dating my girlfriend in August. In my mind she was the sweet, caring girl friend and I would go pursue other bad girls on the side. So this went on for 5 or 6 months. I would try to invite girls over, or grind up on my coworkers, try to get drunk with girls in hopes of "scoring," and, of course... fap regularly. It's funny, none of this worked. I never "scored" and I'm still a virgin.

Nevertheless, this all ended one Saturday evening in January. I went bar hopping with friends, old cute ex's and casualsexco-wokers (I worked at a restaurant, some of you may understand that). Some lowlights (drunken highlights) of the night involved making out with a drunken coworker, slipping my fingers into her pants and letting her drive home drunk, and letting the ex sit with my arm around her as I stroked her back and grabbed her behind.

At the end of the night I crashed with my friend, J (the host). As he lay in bed and I on the air mattress on the floor next to him, he mentioned something as we both fell asleep,

"Hey...

...respect Homie"​

The following Monday, the ex had texted me, "We need to talk about what happened Saturday nigh." I immediately knew what she meant and I apologized to her and told her I would apologize to my girlfriend.

That night I texted Homie. I've never re-typed and deleted a message as much as I did the night I mentioned I had done something shameful. I gave her the option to hear it in person, over the phone, or over text. Unfortunately she chose to receive my shameful news over text right then and there. So I told her how I betrayed her.

The day after she left me I looked to J for support. With his help I made a few a vows to myself for personal growth and future relationships:

1. No more porn or even thinking about sex with other women
2. No more checking out women
3. Respect women as people, not sexual pursuits
   
4. Respect men as people, not as douchebags for me to judge

A few days later Homie texted me for more details. I told her but had also mentioned my vows she had helped bring about. A few more days after that a co-worker of hers convinced her to give me a second chance.

With that second chance came demands and I still strived to uphold the vows I made on my own. I'm proud to say, one of those vows I upheld was no porn or thinking sexual thoughts about other women. When a sexy thought would creep it's way into my head I would replace those with passionate thoughts of Homie. Emotional trauma like really helped set me straight.

Early February I had made that vow. For two months my time spent with Homie was often walks of silence and no eye contact. It was difficult but I wanted to earn her back and had never been more motivated.

After two months she began talking to me. She began making eye contact, even smiling! I had never felt more proud of myself for holding to the vows. With time, it began to feel like things were back to normal.

Then one day, I found myself watching a certain red priestess on Game of Thrones showing ample cleavage. I failed myself. I gave in. Like it was nothing. For four months I had successfully turned around the past 10 years of porn and false views on sex. I hate how easily and how casually I relapsed.

Well, I told my girlfriend again and she about lost it. She saw it as cheating on her. I can understand her point of view so I told her I would quit. After all, I could go 4 months like a champ. giving it up all together should be manageable.

Not quite.

Since June I've repeatedly been failing myself. However, I've taken steps towards fixing it (I hope). These include no longer fapping via mobile phone, and adding a website blocker. Have these helped? They didn't work 100% but perhaps they've pushed me in the right direction (to be continued in the TL;DR section)/

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(TL;DR)

So what brings me here? Today I was with my girl friend. She had just gotten off work and came over. We began being intimate but as she was ready for me, we found that I couldn't get an erection. She was upset and insulted and I was left feeling embarrassed.

I'm joining the ranks of Fapstronaut because I want help. Although I want to improve for my partner and myself, my partner doesn't understand the problem. So... I've joined nofap. I reach out to all of you for the tools and support to fix my PIED.

Unfortunately I cannot recall how I felt during my four months of freedom. Perhaps recalling that feeling would make this easier now. In any case my goal is to go hard mode till the new year.

Thank you for reading and welcoming me.

 

Thank you NewLife.

It's nice to be able to communicate with others who desire the same changes. It's not exactly easy to share these struggles with my partner.

Take care.

 

I'm sure it's different for every couple but it can be very difficult. Especially when you're trying to hide and lie about it:/

I was found out just yesterday. She was very upset but suprisingly supportive instead. I showed her this website and how committed I am to her and to kicking PMO.

I was worried she'd never be supportive so I think nofap would help for me.

 

How do you add the daily counter at the bottom of your posts? I think that would help motivate me towards a better new year.

 

Hey cool! I'm usually reading off my mobile so I'll look into it when I hit up my laptop

 

Someone's got a cool new NewYears Counter! Thank you for the help NewLife. I read your journal briefly. That was really cool. Maybe when you conquer it you can show the journal to your wife!

 

Thank you mrfk,

I look forward to all our changes.