Struggling with feelings of "not deserving."

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by PowerOn, Mar 17, 2019.

  1. PowerOn

    PowerOn Fapstronaut

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    Hi team,

    Sorry if this is long-winded, I find my thinking is quite clouded right now with emotion and the challenge of nofap. Possibly the most difficult thing I have attempted in my life by far.

    About two months ago my GF and I broke up when she caught me cheating and found out about my years of lying in order to conceal my PMO addiction. It is painfully clear to me how deeply I have hurt a truly wonderful person by way of my lies, PMO, and having also taken my addiction even further, going offline and into "real life." I profoundly never want to hurt anyone in this way again.

    Things are messy with her and there is ambiguity as to if she wants to try things again. At the same time the "other" woman is also interested in picking things up in a meaningful way. Regardless, what you may judge in her part in this with me, she is a wonderful, very human person, deserving of compassion and respect. Since everything went down, I have come clean about my PMO addiction to both of them as an effort to begin living more honestly and constructively.

    On top of the pain of truly finally acknowledging my addiction, this particular aspect of the situation has made me realize I have powerful feelings now that I don't deserve to be with either of them or even anyone else anymore. I don't trust myself to not repeat hurtful behavior while I don't have a better handle on my PMO situation. I know I need to heal myself and find my own sense of self worth before I can be anything to anyone in an intimate way again.

    But these feelings of not deserving to have a loving partner anymore can feel so crushing and discouraging, and really make my mission of sticking with nofap so much more agonizing.

    Any thoughts on how to reframe this thinking pattern more positively? I do meditate twice a day and that helps more than a little, but doesn't get me there all the way.

    Any advice is appreciated.
     
  2. 220woof671

    220woof671 Fapstronaut

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    1. Sounds like you are a perfectly normal 33 year-old male.
    2. Males are designed with the hormone Testosterone -- which desires
    lots of sex.
    3. You do score higher than normal on self-punishment etc.
    4. So lighten up .... we are all human and have God designed needs. (Men
    need Lots of sex ....... Women need Lots of affection. It's the way it always
    has been ....... and always will be. Stomachs were designed for food --
    otherwise they growl. Lungs were designed for oxygen -- otherwise they get desperate ..... and die.)

    Here's something I read years ago: "Be as kind to yourself as you would to any other person."
     
  3. PowerOn

    PowerOn Fapstronaut

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    @220woof671 Thank you for your kind words. I know what you say to be true and reasonable and I can recognize that in my better moments. My therapist would agree with your comment about the self-punishment and need to lighten up (perhaps even laugh), and I'm working on that. But it's frequently tough and having reminders such as yours mean a great deal to me.
     
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  4. abacus123

    abacus123 Fapstronaut

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    I think situations like this are fairly common. Life is messy, and I know for a fact I have done plenty I'm not proud of. It is part of being a human. Forgive yourself and move on. Try to learn as much as possible from the experience and understand why it happened. Stuff happens, but since you feel horrible about, then you're a probably a decent human being, just flawed like the rest of us. I hope you feel better and come out of this a better person.
     
    Jim_pooley and PowerOn like this.
  5. PowerOn

    PowerOn Fapstronaut

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    @abacus123 Thank you. I appreciate your input very much.
     
  6. Pity

    Pity Fapstronaut

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    Dont struggle! Fear not!

    Life is full of more oppurtunities and joys and pleasures than you will ever deserve!

    Aand

    Life is harder more frustrating, painful, tragic, senselessly oppressive.... than you will ever deserve too!

    In fact, I am pursuaded deserve's got nothing to do with it.
     
  7. Pity

    Pity Fapstronaut

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    Guilt.
    Blame.
    If we both stop blaming you you promise to remain guilty?! :D

    Rediculous isnt it.

    Nobody said you are sentenced to regret, guilt or blame. Let go of these. They are snares from mistakes which commonly keep their victim focused on the past and wont let go until you return to it.

    Now are you like me? I dont feel guilty for porn. I didnt proclaim it sin. I am guilty and I very much am an enthusiast of porn. Does that mean it cant hurt me ? No. It will certainly consume any man that does not escape it.

    Girlfriend?! Awesome! Be confident, you have victory. You made a good decision. The major one. Without this step no one else could help you. So it fets better right away... and there is more ahead of you than you can possibly imagine...
     
  8. Pity

    Pity Fapstronaut

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    ...or earn your entitlememt, or at least you can attempt to:


    10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.

    Do good! Good works for your fellow thunderstuck brothers!
     
  9. Sunny321

    Sunny321 Fapstronaut

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    The main thing is to stick together and understand that the future depends on us. And create your destiny.
     
  10. blacklabel92

    blacklabel92 Fapstronaut

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    You sound like you got a good head on your shoulders. I feel like u may be to hard on yourself. Your only human, its a cliche but true.
     
    PowerOn likes this.
  11. PowerOn

    PowerOn Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your kind words and I apologize for my late reply. I think self criticism has indeed perpetuated a lot of negativity in my life instead in driving me to a better place. I’m doing a lot of self work on increasing self compassion and forgiveness. Chipping away at it a little bit at a time...
     
  12. be glad you even had a gf. thats only for the genetic elite. most men die virgins
     

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