Take the power back

Hi everyone.

I am 36/m, and I've been doing PMO for the last 15 years or so, with increased intensity in the last 2-3 years. I recently discovered NoFap as I was looking for ways to eliminate my chronic fatigue and improve overall health, as well as to regain motivation for doing stuff that I actually love doing. Although I never considered PMO as such a destructive habbit, reading about all PMO-induced problems made me realize that it is time to stop. Otherwise, it is a matter of time when I'll deeply regret for not being able to control myself.

I am divorced (without children). The main reasons for that are not related to PMO. But now I realize that in some situations I lacked energy and willpower to fight harder against the problems that affected my marriage. I am pretty sure the divorce was inevitable whatever I did, and I don't feel depressed or too sad about it. I just feel that PMO numbed my ability to take action and control things instead of letting them happen.

From the professional side, I consider myself as a quite successful guy. I am a software engineer with a lot of passion and talent for work. During the beginning of my carreer I was so motivated and focused on my job and some side projects, that I completely forgot about porn. I was happy, I felt confident, I was relatively successful with women, although I'm a shy type of guy. I loved every moment of that period, and I would do anything to get it back.

This year I finished my PhD. I often regret I decided to start it, because the topic was not very interesting, the research team was not the best, and I never had the courage to abandon it on time. During the course, the procrastination caused by PMO got worse, and it took me 7 years to complete the thesis (instead of 4). At the end, I felt so discouraged and unmotivated, that I could have easily cancelled the defense presentation, although it was a pure formality. I was fortunate to have friends that would help and cover for me whenever I failed to deliver a specific task. I finished the damn thing, but I'm not proud of the way how I did it.

After that, I got a job in a good company, where I could reset myself, stay clear of bad habbits, and take control of my life back. I have enough free time to work on a side project I've been delaying for such a long time. I can also get back to my hobbies I used to be so passionate about. I can go out, meet new friends, find a new girlfriend. But instead, I spend evenings watching porn and feeling miserable day after day. To make things worse, I earn much more than I can spend, and several times I used services of an elite escort. I realized that I am obsessed with porn when I paid for sex with one of my favorite pornstars who also does escorting. I felt very bad for days after that.

For the past few months I've been trying to stop. At first I thought it is not that difficult, as I was always able to control my actions and behavior. But I never managed to go longer than 10 days. This time I'll try to think only about the present day, one day at a time. And not to let myself drift away into PMO by looking first at hot girls on social networks, followed by escort ad pages, just to end up with hardcore porn. I have so many more useful things to do, I just need to stop delaying them. There is life waiting for me, and I'm trying to make a first step towards it.

Thanks for anyone reading this, your support means a lot to me. I would be very happy if I could tell a success story in a couple of months, and motivate all the newbies.

Cheers.