Tao of Life - Abuse or be Abused? (v1.1)

In philosophical Taoism, there is no Evil, right or wrong.

The Tao does for everything, everyone and holds nobody accountable

However abusing people is not what life is about. Sure nature is brutal but that doesn't mean we have to be

 

No. I can't fathom how that would improve any relationship under any circumstance.

While there may be certain people who are attracted to abusers as part of a traumatized condition or disorder, I think relatively few people seek out abusive relationships in general. I think there's a some societal and familial pressure for females to be demure and sweet and accommodating, so this can manifest into some young women (high school/college age) rebelling through attraction to "bad boy" types. Depending on your age and perspective, it might be easy to assume this is a fixed setting in all women, but I just don't think that's true. Overall I think it's safer to generalize toward women preferring nice guys who take care of themselves and those around them, have self-confidence and a sense of humor about things, and some general direction in life. Saying that women want abusive assholes in relationships is a bit like saying men want junkie strippers in relationships. Or something.

 

The world isn't full of alphas and betas, it's a spectrum of all sorts of unique individuals. Every human being has masculine and feminine characteristics within them, and it is a random configuration for each person. A real "alpha" is someone who treats everyone, regardless of who they are, with egalitarian respect. Being an asshole and treating women, or anyone for that matter, like shit because it's "manly" is just plain delusional. You most certainly can garner respect by being the complete opposite of an abusive dick. I agree with the post above, only damaged women would seek out and stay in an abusive relationship. That being said, if you want to spend time with mentally stable women, then be a decent human being and don't make other people's lives harder than they already are.

 

You don't like the idea that you should abuse others, yet you assume everyone else does? There are others who wish to just be together and love. There are others who don't want to spend their lives manipulating and worrying about power hierarchies.

I think playing these kinds of social games and being kind of a dick to others is pretending to be a confident person with a high self-esteem, whereas a person who is actually confident and has a high self-esteem doesn't feel like they need to pretend to be something they aren't. If you want to be a good person, go for it. It shouldn't matter if people like you that way, because that's you. Live up to your values and you will start attracting the kind of people that are good for you.

On the other hand you can't be a doormat either. Get a strong sense of your personal boundaries and don't let people abuse them.

 

Well. Men, Women, I don't really like how people tend to throw everyone together into a category and to assign them characteristics based on their gender,age,colour etc...
And that's coming from a person that describes himself as more conservative.
If it's about abusing and being abused I personally think, that to a certain degree it happens to all of us. It doesn't need to be violence it can be harsh words, withdrawal of affection/love etc.. whatever.

While I do agree that most women become unhappy with a "soft" man over time. Meaning someone who can't stand his own ground and has no self-respect I also don't agree that you have to "abuse" someone in order to not be abused.
First, there's always the option of turning around and walking away. If someone is not respecting your boundaries, no matter man or woman, you can always turn around and walk off.

The important thing is 1. to have boundaries 2. to enact the boundaries 3. to not become sloppy about your boundaries over time.
Does that mean you should have stupidly high expectations for what your partner should or should not do? No of course not.
However if a boundary is for example to not be sworn at and your partner swears at you jokingly just tell them that you don't accept being sworn at, not even jokingly. If it keeps happening go over from talking to more effective measures, like spending less time with them or telling them clearly that you have to overthink the relationship if she's doing it purposedly all the time.

 

Unless your definition of abuse includes eating someone, you aren't gaining any energy from it. In fact you are wasting your energy in order to try to rise your status in a perceived social hierarchy. Of course sometimes there are situations in which you'll have to defend yourself, but in most cases the only way to win in a fight is to not fight. In fact even if you do care about the aforementioned hierarchy, acting like it doesn't matter to you will usually automatically assert you as an equal, if not even superior to the people who spend their lives trying way too hard to be the alpha.

I'm not sure where you are getting with this. Sure, our society is at times hypocritical. But I'm not sure if I see how it relates to this.

 

I agree with theother reactions.

I'd like to share my personal insights. (However I dislike the whole Alpha-Beta-talk, I'll use those terms in my part.)

First of all, I believe thinking in the whole Alpha-Beta-dichotomy, doesn't really help a person that much.

Constantly comparing and rating personal actions to a certain set of standards, which aren't result of personal reasoning, doesn't seem very Alpha, doesn't it?

Say, if an Alpha-trait is capacity to lead; how much of a leader is a person if he's unable to think for himself? If he doesn't figure out his own values of right and wrong?

Thinking and acting reactive to the world around oneself (e.g. asserting dominance; being abusive) in situations where it's unnecessary; doesn't seem 'Alpha' to me.
If I randomly slapped the first guy in the face, in response of him saying 'hello', out of general friendliness; where's is the 'Alpha' in that?
And this is the kind of behavior the abusive one tends to act out every single time.

That's the thing with these abusive people: constantly reacting, acting defensive and attempting to assert dominance in unnecessary situations.

Haven't we all had the experience where the abusive person in a group tends to make a scene in group happening (shouting, cursing, yelling, etc.).
What's other people's reaction?
In my experience, the atmosphere gets broken, and people generally don't react in a positive manner to these behaviors.
If they do, ask yourself the question if these are the kind of people you want to spend your time with.

Girls do?
Some of them yes.
While I believe the abusive person generally tend to fill a void with their behaviour, I believe the ones getting attracted to these actions are victim to the same void (in essence, they are victims to themselves).
While there may be talk of a relationship, good-sex or any other benefit, I believe, at the end of the day both persons end up feeling alone, detached from themselves and detached from the other person.

Having had the same observations, similar conclusions and the resulting distorted ways of behaviour, I, personally, feel glad to have been able to look deeply withing myself, recognize my flaws, my insecurities, and the ability to figure why, in the first place, I tended to such line of thinking; cause if it weren't for that, I'd still be stuck in the same loophole.
Now I'm able to see the value of true connection (something which alot of women seem to prefer much more than being abused), the value of warmth towards oneself and others and the value of having a deep essential core - in essence is a sense-of-self, untethered to the beliefs and actions of others.
And boy, I sleep like a baby now.
No need for drugs, masturbation, lies, superficial worries, etc. ; I just wake up, feel good about myself, work my plan, have a laugh and generally stay out of trouble.

Trust me, life feels way better when you don't have to reflect on every action and thought, trying to categorize it as Alpha.

I'd reckon a pure Alpha (if such person even exists) would be able to lead in a proactive, caring way; wouldn't doubt his own worth (nor the worth of others) and would stand his ground (assert dominance), only when in times it's needed.

Which person is more appealing: Osama Bin Laden or Nelson Mandela?
What does such choice say about a person?
What does a girl's choice to victimize herself to an abusive husband, say about her?

Nothing real can be threatened.

 

Hey. The image you have used is of Hindu goddess. The comparison of her with girlfriend and obscene things is offending me. I am a Hindu. I request you to edit it out and put forth your views without it.

 

You ask what cluster of girls would be asked to choose from the two. I think the more important question is: what cluster of girls do you want to attract and associate yourself with? If you can choose between a girl who prefers a violent religious nutcase over a man who fought for justice and equality and a girl who'd pick otherwise, would you really give a shit about what the former girl thinks? I mean if you do want to get yourself a girl who appreciates aggressiveness and abusiveness over other qualities, be my guest, but don't come here claiming that it's a necessity in life. There are a lot of people who choose the way of peace, kindness and mutual respect and a lot of us are doing fine. Same goes for the leadership thing. Do you want to be an abusive tyrant leading other abusive people, or would you prefer working with people who don't want to be in a constant state of struggle for power?

 

Something most people don't understand is that there's no difference between reason and emotions. Your emotions are the ones who structure your thinking, so the concept of rationality as we know it is pure bullshit.
Right now you are thinking through negative emotion, so you conclude that life is a zero sum game, where everyone is against everyone.
If you were thinking through positive emotion, you would conclude that life is possible thanks to people helping each other.

 

But aren't person's actions an important part of the equation? We are creatures with a strong sense of morality and we tend to use people's actions as a way to determine wether they are good people and thus worth our admiration. Intentionally taking people's sense of morals out of the equation and then saying that people are attracted to amoral abusive people if they happen to pick the murderous bastard based on his other characteristics is like saying a person really likes colour green because that person said they like pesto.
Unless of course I have misunderstood you and you aren't trying to argue in behalf of the abuse or be abused -mentality.