The 4millionth Attempt - This Time It's Personal

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by TheCrazyThingIs, Jun 25, 2018.

  1. TheCrazyThingIs

    TheCrazyThingIs Fapstronaut

    I have lost track of how many times I have attempted to quit porn.
    In the last 8/9 or so years (I am 20 now), the longest I have gone without masturbating to pornography is about 14 days. During those 8 years, I have been abusive, lashed out, hurt others, been rejected countless times and found my only relief and release through pornography.
    It has now gotten to a point in my life, where I can't form a relationship. I can't love, because all I want to do is watch porn. I don't go out, I don't meet new people, I don't get much joy from sex. People generally find me weird, dislike spending time with me - I never get invited anywhere, and my own current partner forgets that they have agreed to see me half the time (today they were meant to come over, they didn't).
    I am a black hole, that has taken every little shred of light around me, absorbed it and destroyed it. If I carry on like this, I am either going to die young, or live to be a bitter, creepy, nasty old man.

    I am angry, so fucking angry that I have wasted so much time on pornography. I am angry at the industry, I am angry at the "actors" who support it. And most of all, I am angry at myself. Instead of trying to reclaim my life, I let my porn addiction consume me. I let myself abuse someone I loved FOR YEARS.
    I let myself oversexualize and be creepy toward women;

    I EVEN PERVED ON MY OWN SISTER.

    I am a very sick, sick and twisted individual, I have done unspeakable things and I believe it has been because my view on sex and sexuality was formed through a god-damn computer screen!

    I have pushed myself again and again to try and quit, and failed every. Single. Time.

    The only thing I haven't tried? Reaching out. Putting myself into a community of people who are also addicted, and try talking about my addiction.

    I didn't try to reach out because I was embarrassed. Scared. Stupid. Well, now I'm just angry.
    I've wasted so much time and energy already, and yes, I know I'm young but I still could have achieved SO MUCH MORE by now, and my life is only going to keep getting worse and worse if I don't find a way to make this stop.

    It's either this, or cut my own dick off. I'm not even joking.

    Peace

    xoxo
     
  2. Nadamotain

    Nadamotain Fapstronaut

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    Look. What do you want? Do you know what you want? If you know what you want then think and write only about that. Every time you think and write about what you DON'T want, guess what happens - that is correct. You get more of what you don't want. If you think about what a perv you are 20 hours a day, guess what kind of person you make - what else could you make thinking and writing bad stuff about yourself?
    Stop it! Even if you think I'm crazy - and I might be - write and think about the way you want yourself to be. You are a gifted artist of life seeking out a better way to live. That gives you the courage to be exactly how and what you want to be in this life. Smile, be grateful and own the fact that you ARE a good person and will be better tomorrow!
     
  3. TheCrazyThingIs

    TheCrazyThingIs Fapstronaut

    There is nowhere that I can talk about the things I have done, and they weigh with me every single day. I am carrying the burden of a lot of broken trust, and hurt people. I personally am of the belief that talking about these things helps us to move on. This is why I appreciate the fact that there is a section for problematic sexual behavior.

    I don't think about what I did every single day, but I do when I masturbate, or when I have sex. These things turn me on, because they are the "next best hit" above everything else. Because I am numb to everything else. My partner's touch doesn't affect me unless I am thinking about the times I've been a pathetic little pervert. I am broken in one of the worst ways, and I want to be fixed.

    I posted this thread originally in order to show how dangerous it can get, and I'm sure other people have done the same. It's a warning; if you are not here, then if you carry on you will be. Is that not motivation enough to stop?
    It is for me, reading back my own words. I do not want to be that person ever again.

    But with porn I will be.

    xoxo
     
    Nadamotain likes this.
  4. Hi. Welcome to forum!

    Make sure you create a personal journal thread in Reboot Logs section and blog there on a regular basis. As well as just generally be active participant in various forum discussions. I recommend this to everybody new here because it's the major thing that helped me when I was first starting. Just lurking on forums, reading and learning is great. But it usually is so much more powerful to engage. It helps to keep us motivated and accountable when we are active part of community. And keeps this in front of our minds so we don't forget about importance of it and slip away in our old habits. Sharing is also therapeutic. This is a major reason why AA meetings work so good. But that was developed before internet era. These days we can get most of the same benefits online through communities like this. So don't underestimate the power of active participation.

    I would also like to suggest you to look into mindfulness meditation. It has helped me personally tremendously to learn how to deal with urges and triggers. It takes a while to get good at it and notice results, so you need to be consistent with it, but once you do it's very powerful. It has been used by sages for thousands of years to deal with various issues of the mind. And in recent decades the science is also catching up to what ancient sages have know for centuries. Meditation these days are widely used as very effective tool by psychologists for treating addiction and by neurologists for supporting recovery of the brain after physical injury. Plus it is generally a great exercise for the brain the same way as jogging is great exercise for the body.

    You gotta make sure it is proper mindfulness meditation though. "Mindfulness" meditation where we just focus on breath is more like a concentration meditation instead. It works too but differently and not as powerfully in my experience. Real mindfulness meditation however trains you to accept your urges by understanding the nature of them by observing them, not just suppress them by concentrating on something else instead. It makes you comfortable with them. And once you accept and become comfortable with them there is no need to get rid of them, so there is no need to PMO. Only reason why we PMO is because that urge, that itch in our crotch is uncomfortable, we wanna get rid of it. And then after PMO we have our release. Or we simply want pleasure. And inability to have that pleasure makes us uncomfortable. But if we accept that we can not have pleasure then resistance is gone and there is no reason to PMO.

    Acceptance and mindfulness is the key. Check out this Ted talk on acceptance and mindfulness practice, it gives a good idea of what's it's about when it comes to philosophy. The mindfulness practice as described by psychologist in a the video can be used by itself but ideally should be used as supplementation to your daily sitting meditation. Sitting meditation I personally practice and recommend to people is as explained by meditation expert in this YouTube playlist. If you don't like the monk or want other method there is this awesome smartphone app called Headspace for guided meditations.

    Wish you lot's of strength and success in your reboot journey!
     
    TheCrazyThingIs likes this.
  5. TheCrazyThingIs

    TheCrazyThingIs Fapstronaut

    Thank you for the kind introduction.

    I plan on doing a lot more interaction with this community than I have done previously (mainly in the reboot logs); as actual interaction and speaking about my addiction is quite literally the only thing I haven't tried fully in order to prevent my porn addiction.

    You do offer good advice, I have been through several mindfulness courses myself previously and find that the breathing method works well for me. I recognize my urges, but outside of a meditative state. For example; I have severe eczema and the desire to scratch can get so unbearable that I would rather tear off my own skin than have it itch, but recognizing and focusing on the fact that the itch is there and so is the desire to scratch it, helps me become used to the desire, without actually doing it, thus normalizing it for my body and preventing it from happening.
    I find the "breathing Mindfullness" to be more helpful for masturbation, however, as I can send myself into the void behind my eyes, put myself some place else and dull any thoughts of essentially "I'm bored so better fap". I find it is just a good way to pass the time when bored, without feeling the actual boredom. I will admit however I have never thought of doing the same thing as I do with my eczema for that, so that may be something to try.

    The Ted Talk video was interesting, but I'm not to much of a fan of guys in suits on stages talking in matter of fact ways, but I do agree with what you say on recognizing that your urges are there. Although unfortunately, some of my urges are dangerous for myself or other people, so I am not to sure what to do in terms to letting them exist.

    Thank you for the kind words, I look forward to seeing you around the forum.

    xoxo
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  6. Nadamotain

    Nadamotain Fapstronaut

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  7. Raging Bull

    Raging Bull Fapstronaut

    @TheCrazyThingIs first of all welcome to this site. i think it's a great move joining it. it sounds like there isnt anyone in your life that you'd feel comfortable being 100% honest with about these things, so i encourage you to find some people here who have particular struggles against the addiction we're facing that you can relate with. but if you do have someone in your life, even just one person, getting things off your chest and being open and honest with somebody can be a game changer. we can beat this addiction. im 21, and it's been 8 years fighting it, but i just learned i gotta take this one day at a time, and stay positive. i'm rooting for you, we can do this.

    check out the Success Stories section of the forums if you haven't already, read through em, heck even reply to them, introducting yourself, maybe asking a question or two, and just getting involved. some of the members on this site who have success stories have brutal, shameful, dark pasts, and got over habits even worse than ours, but they made it. this isn't impossible. let's do this.
     
    TheCrazyThingIs likes this.
  8. goodnice

    goodnice Fapstronaut

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    And this is while you will be able to succeed!!!
     
  9. goodnice

    goodnice Fapstronaut

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