The isolation trigger

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by GmanUK, Dec 6, 2015.

  1. GmanUK

    GmanUK Fapstronaut

    Hey everyone,
    It feels good to be back here, sharing this community with you dedicated people.
    I want to talk a little bit about isolation and how it can be a big trigger (at least for me) to PMO. Id also like to make a distinction between isolation and aloneness (which I see as an inherently healthy state).

    The reason Im writing this post is because I recently moved into a detached studio apartment by myself, in a new area where I didnt really know anyone and felt an overwhelming return of urges. So much so that I PMO'd more frequently than id ever done before. I believe this happened because I felt a complete disconnect from the tribe consciousness. Feeling isolated is so common in our western society and there is lots of research that links isolation with health problems and poor life expectancy (link). We need a healthy social life for our wellbeing and without it we can sink into depressive thoughts and tendencies, including habitual negative patterns, like porn use. Ive seen this over and over again like when I get bored, at home by myself the temptation to PMO is huge but if I spend time with friends or family or go to a social environment(even if I dont know anyone) these urges drop almost instantly.

    The challenge many of us face is that we've been programming ourselves, often for years to engage in isolating activities like watching porn by ourselves which carries with it alot of shame. This makes us feel more anxious in social situations which is the very thing we need to get back to balance again. So in order to change we have to face some of that anxiety and step out into more social engagement, in the real world. It won't be easy at first and we might need to build some inner resources to help us gain the courage needed (I use a positive mantra and breathing techniques that reduces my anxiety).

    I believe that having a regular, healthy dose of social interaction is one of the keys for overcoming this habit and aim to develop it.

    The other thing was 'aloneness'. Spending time alone can be a great pleasure. It helps us to connect more deeply with ourselves, our dreams etc. It is necessary for any kind of spiritual growth and personal development. Aloneness helps us re-fill the well of our spirits so that we can go back out into the world and do our thing more fully. So both is needed. Time alone and time with others but we need to stop isolating ourselves from the rest of the world by believing that we're unworthy or shameful creatures. We are human beings on a grand quest to reclaim our power from negative patterns that have robbed us of our life forces. Together, one step at a time we will kick this habit.

    Best wishes to you all x
  2. Jonny123

    Jonny123 Fapstronaut

    Welcome back Gareth. I also find being on my own is a big trigger. For me it is associated with opportunity - I have the space and privacy to masturbate. I have suprised myself recently that I have managed to avoid taking "advantage" of those times when I have the house to myself.
    I think for us the rule has to be " we just don't do it". For me I am going to try and avoid all forms of self pleasure. It is true what you say about company. I think we are uplifted by it. We realise our solitary habits are less than uplifting and we are strenghtened. Good luck to you!
  3. OSU32

    OSU32 Guest

    Heard +2!
  4. Great ideas and definitely an interesting topic.

    I feel your heart and your sincerity in this and I hope you don't see this as a personal attack on your post (it's really not), but I have to strongly disagree with the ideas that humans "have" to be social or were made to be. My view is that we've been conditioned to believe such things. The only person you need is your soul mate, whether that is a male or female, could be either. Whether you're gay or straight, doesn't matter.

    I agree that humans have an in built need and desire to connect with another person, but that desire is just for ONE person. Whoever else we decide to interact with over our lifetime is just a bonus. The strongest desire in a human is to feel loved in a relationship, the desire to be loved by one person. It is why people get married or decide to move in together, and invest so much time into that 'one person'. Once we deal with our unhealed emotions and other emotional addictions, we'll realise that what we are actually yearning for is our soul mate. The actual other half of our soul. We all have one. Most people don't believe this and that's okay, but there is more purposeful structure to this universe than people are aware. Nothing is random.

    You will never ever feel alone once meeting your soul mate, even if that means never talking to anyone else apart from that person for the rest of your life. Your soul mate relationship is the strongest attraction and relationship you'll ever experience for the rest of your existence.

    Remember, it's our emotional state, false beliefs such as "nobody loves me" which causes us to turn to PMO, emotions of rejection or pent up emotions that we (as men carry) might have towards women which causes us to use PMO as an outlet. It isn't external factors like 'loneliness' (which actually in a way I don't even think really exists). So, now you can see that it's actually the un dealt with and unhealed emotional issues which causes us to use external things like PMO to escape the painful emotions, instead of facing them and dealing with them.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 9, 2015
  5. GreatScott!

    GreatScott! Fapstronaut

    Hear, hear!! Actually, I used reading to escape from emotional issues, before I discovered my sexual side.
    AlltheRageBackHome likes this.
  6. GmanUK

    GmanUK Fapstronaut

    Some very interesting discussion going on here and I'm glad of your input. Id like to respond to a few things that have been said.

    "I'm not certain why viewing P should make people feel socially anxious in a wider context."

    I dont know how real the link is between social anxiety and excessive porn use but I remember reading this article and finding the connection interesting. Speaking from personal experience I know that Ive found it much easier to stay at home and watch porn than go out to social settings and meet people, take risks etc and as such this could have amplified the anxiety I felt/feel in such situations. There is an adage "that which we avoid grows stronger" or something similar.

    I also believe that there are two kinds of shame. Natural shame which arises within ourselves when we know that what we're doing is out of integrity for us. This is the kind of shame that is part driving me to change this habit as I know that the PMO behaviour doesnt fit with who I wish to be. The other form is toxic shame which is when we've been made to feel guilty about ourselves by other people in the past and we have ingested that guilt to believe we're bad people. I dont think this is healthy for anyone.

    AlltheRageBackHome - Thanks for sharing your views. I have to say that I have never heard anyone express that belief so strongly before. All I can share is my own response to it. It feels to me that to equate another person as being the other half of your soul could be quite dis-empowering. If I were to believe that I needed to meet my soul mate in order to be happy, fulfilled and not feel disconnected from humanity then id probably go to bed crying every night until I met her/him. I do however believe that we meet people on the path of life who can be considered soul mates where there is a unique bond that defies logic. Ive certainly met some of those but I would never give credence to there being only one such person in the world. That's not to say im right. This world is an incredibly complex place. However, all spiritual teachers through the ages have said that "we are all one". If this is true (which I believe it to be) then everyone I meet has the potential to be a brother or sister, a soul mate and that we are all one big human community.

    "So, now you can see that it's actually the un dealt with and unhealed emotional issues which causes us to use external things like PMO to escape the painful emotions, instead of facing them and dealing with them.

    I completely agree with this being a big factor, perhaps the main factor in why we PMO and engage in other unhealthy habits. However my personal experience has shown me over and over that isolating myself in other ways is also a Big trigger and that as men, we are particularly good at avoiding real connection and intimacy.
  7. It isn't that you'd feel 'incomplete' if you're not with your soul mate. Your soul mate is the other half of you, but it doesn't mean that you cannot enjoy life and that you can't be happy if you haven't met them yet. I didn't say that at all, and that shouldn't be assumed.

    Some spiritual teachers teach that we are all one, and in a sense we are, because we're all brothers and sisters. In new age, they teach that we can have many soul mates, but there's a difference between soul mates and twin flames. Your twin flame is literally your other half. You don't need to go around getting your heart broken, trying to date everyone. If we realised that we just had one person, it would save us a lot of pain, because we're just dating people who belong to someone else, hence, the reason why it doesn't work out, and all the incompatibilities. Your twin flame (soul mate) is the perfect partner for you and fits your soul, and that's why they'll be able to understand you like no one else will, ever.

    However, I'm not talking about new age, I'm talking about the actual secrets of the universe that were lost thousands of years ago. I know what I'm saying sounds very wild and I sound very confident about everything I'm saying, but you can test the knowledge for yourself if you wish to. These are not just ideas that I suddenly decided to create on a bored day. If you're interested to know how I came to learn these things, feel free to private message me. Otherwise, no offence taken if you decline.

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