The Long Road of Pain and the Infinite

In my last post, which was sadly all too long ago, I opened up for the first time to this group and gave my testimony. Between that time and now, I managed to go 7 days since a relapse. Now I plan on going until the 6th of January. I fell on Thursday the 28th in the morning, and started my first day of my next spiritual awakening on the 29th. The following is a summary of what I’ve learned in such a short amount of time.

My 7 day success taught me that things that I felt impossible, such as controlling my masturbation while living over a decade of self abuse, can be made possible. Through prayer, self reflection, and pre workout enhanced workouts, I have reached what I can only describe as a rebirth in my faith and perspective on the world. While my workouts acted as a vehicle to express and deal with my pain, by overcoming obstacles and empowering my physical, mental, and spiritual state of being; they started off being about hatred, for people who hurt me, my sexuality, and ultimately myself. Now, with my workouts. I have started to walk the path of detachment from this world, forgiving literally everything in my life. and to trust nothing but God. I relied on my own willpower, focus, and anger for my whole life, and it got me nowhere. I have detached from the pain of my past, all the bullies and harbingers of pain in my life; I now hope to see on Judgement Day as old friends.
The only way that I can even describe myself now is as a Christian Nhilist. I despise every ideaology and powerful group of people as likely being flawed and perverted, be it capitalism, social justice, much of the Islamic world, the corruption of this EU,the hypocrisy of so many Christians and Catholics, and god forbid, the U.N. that, possibly, is in fact the New World Order.I trust in only the gospels, for I know not how much of the the Bible may have been tainted from decades of Church and state corruption. Only the resurrection, grace , and second coming of Christ sustain me. I trust and hold true to nothing else, I believe no conspiracy, but hold any conspiracy to be as true as any other idea or theory that others call a fact.I follow the idea of “everything in moderation, including moderation”, the exception being absolute faith in the coming destruction of this world and the grace of God.

All this is long I know, but it is the best way that I can describe my bleak outlook on this world, while still believing in a better tomorrow for the people. Nothing of this world matters, but the relationships that we hold with all people, whether they are a lifelong friend, or someone who hurt me, I forgive them all, and I only truly care for the infinite now, the Kingdom of Heaven that shall make all of our lives that we hold so desperately to, be more fleeting than the blink of an eye.

It is with this philosophy that I gaze into the face of the liar, the perverter, Satan. I know that he has set this addiction in my path to focus my faith away from what my useless eyes can’t see, and he keeps me clinging to this pathetic physical world of lust and degeneracy. Every essence of my soul cringes and writhes in agony as I think of this pleasure. Suffering through sacrifice and self reflection has taught me that true pain is from pleasure uncontrolled, and I have been out of control of my pleasure through sexuality due to sexual abuse since I was far too young.
So, in short, I realize and understand absolutely how my ideas and philosophy may seem like insanity to some, but I hope they may be inspiration and a change in perspective for others.

Remember, NEVER lose faith when you relapse. Your depressed and wasted mind is not your own, and you will believe that everything that you had attempted to fight for was a lie. This world is an illusion. Your physical masturbation, while it may in the moment feel like a cruel yet soothing master, is NOTHING in they face of eternity. Crave the eternal God, and this temporary mindset and world of sexual suffering will never be able to contain your infinite and forgiven soul. Amen.