The REAL Woman

Sounds like you've already taken the first step by joining NoFap to get support! Also, I think it's great that you want to be so supportive!
I am not married, as I am not qualified to give advice for you situation, but there are plenty of other women who have been in your situation. Here are a few:
@fupornwife
@ifromcr
@oreogirl
There are also some men who have been in your husband's situation, and can be of use to both you and your husband:
@i_wanna_get_better1 @jfromcr
I wish you success!

 

We have a group for SOs, I'll add you. I journal in the main forums and am also active in the private SO group. Both things are helpful. I'm sorry you are facing this but glad you found nofap.

 

Welcome to the forum @TeddyBear. Your story is not unusual. Addiction ruins the addict's life, the spouse's life, and the marriage eventually withers and dies. There is a lot of community knowledge and people who are supportive here. Recovery is possible for both the husband and wife. Hopefully you will find what you need to save your marriage.

 

Hi TeddyBear,
what do you mean by "my trust" ?

 

Not surprised that your husband is an amazing guy, I feel the same way about my husband. Unfortunately PMO addiction can turn the best person into a liar and a cheat. Boy does that suck, the fallout when I found out what was really wrong with our relationship?

Relief: you aren't out of love with me, I am not crazy, I was right (kind of)
Hope: you can fix this, we can recover from this.
Dispair: our 25 year love affair ment so little to you, you literally cheated on me in our home, in our bed.

You have quite a roller coaster ride ahead of you. It feels like a yoyo, happy sad happy sad happy sad...

My husband is coming back, and we are falling back in love, his brain is healing, he is getting stronger.

Last night I saw a picture of us on our last anniversary, and I cryed at our smiling faces, and I asked him - did you ever do P on my birthday, on Christmas, our anniversary, he didn't have an answer, he said He was f'ed up, He doesn't know, his face shut down. I felt devistated, I want a freaking answer.

Good days and bad. I wish you luck. I am glad I am seeing this through. He is the love of my life. I want him to get better.

I took an axe to his apple laptop, but I didn't kick him out. It is an addiction, no more no less.

He hurt me.
He hurt himself.
He hurt our family.

If he stays in recovery we will make it, but it is hard, and rebuilding trust is a real bitch. Hard day today.

Welcome to nofap!

 

Beautifully written, so familiar I have tears in my eyes. This is what I love about nofap, people here give words to what I am feeling, thank you for inadvertently writing down a piece of my story.

 

I'm so sorry. That's a heartbreaking story. The details are different from my story but rest assured, your pain is understood. Discovering the lies is excruciating. The reboot had helped my husband and me immensely. That and FANOS and karezza. There is hope, if the addict us willing to do what is needed to heal and change.

 

I'm sorry you've had to join us here. But as many will say here, HE needs to be the one to get help. No matter how much information we throw their way they will not be receptive of help or admit their problem until they are ready to quit and they seek their own help.
I hope you join us in the SO group. You will find lots of support there from us SOs

 

I'm so sorry that you have been hurt so deeply. Porn is often the invisible problem lying at the root of many divorces these days. Porn is anti-love. Porn kills intimacy and trust which eventually kills relationships. Many wives are hurt by the discovery of porn in their husbands lives, but mostly they are even more hurt by the lying, hiding, and secretive behavior surrounding this addiction. It is a betrayal of the highest magnitude. You have every right to be angry and frustrated. It is also extremely unfair that someone else's problems end up affecting you. You even went to great lengths to avoid getting into this situation to begin with!!!

I will attempt to explain the evolution of this problem. It is similar in most addicts. It is the same process that alcoholics, drug abusers, chronic gamblers, compulsive shoppers, and compulsive eaters go through. But first I want to to assure you that I am not going to justify or condone his behavior. It was wrong and despicable. Yes, we still retain free will and we are primarily responsible for allowing this to happen to us and for the damage we cause.

Addiction is primarily an emotional problem and defies traditional logic. Men start off looking at porn during their adolescence and find it curious and exciting. Soon the brain realizes it makes them feel good. Then the brain realizes it makes them feel better when they feel bad. Next the brain starts to make people crave it whenever it feels emotional discomfort. Addiction is the medicating, controlling, or numbing of emotional pain. It doesn't truly satisfy the emotional need... it gives the brain the illusion of emotional satisfaction. The euphoric feeling wears off and now the addict has to deal with the guilt and shame of his actions PLUS the original discomfort. Here's the illogical part... instead of turning to real sources of comfort the brain turns more deeply into it's addiction... either more frequently or more intense forms of porn.

Addicts stop trusting people and trust the predictable effects of porn. Therefore, slowly their addiction becomes the primary relationship in their life. Everyone else takes second place. Relationships start to degrade and die out. Marriages suffer as trust and intimacy vanish. Addicts love porn more than they love their wives... it's very sad. But addicts are constantly deluding themselves into thinking the problem is not that bad. It's the only way they can go forward with being married and indulging in their addiction. The brain compartmentalizes the two issues and they never touch. We think there are no consequences, but we are being intentionally blind. Addicts isolate themselves because they don't want anyone to pressure them to change. They isolate themselves because they are deeply ashamed and think they can fix the problem on their own. It is another one of the many lies we tell ourselves. Since we cannot be truthful with ourselves it becomes impossible to be truthful with others.

As time goes on addicts form a tolerance. So they start binge watching. Porn addicts go into a trance when they watch porn because there is no pain while in the trance... they think they can perfectly control their emotions while in the trance. This trance can last for hours. It can also bleed into the real world as they imagine themselves doing sexual things to people they meet during the day. Also they start escalating into watching forms of porn they never used to watch before. If they have other issues then those issues start showing up in the type of porn they watch. For instance if the addict has power issues the they will form fetishes around those themes - either/both dominant or submissive forms.

To an addict, porn becomes an emotional crutch. They stop learning healthy ways to deal with emotional problems. They are emotionally stunted. Porn also is used as a stress reliever, anxiety reducer, reward system, numbing agent, and primary form of entertainment.

An addict becomes so inwardly focused that it is very difficult for someone to pierce their bubble of delusion and denial. Often it takes a rock-bottom moment to break through and wake them up. But often by this point their life and their marriage is in shambles. Recovery is more than simple abstinence. Addiction infiltrates every corner of an addicts life. Recovery involves changing thoughts, feelings, actions, beliefs, and behaviors.

You in NO WAY are to blame for any of his problems. You did not make the problem worse. Even if you were the perfect wife the addiction would still have taken over his life. The problem is his and he bears the primary responsibility to get better. When a spouse is faced with a major betrayal they want to feel safe. Withdrawing trust creates a feeling of safety. It may take a long time for him to give you reason to trust him... it may never happen. Many couples have gone through this process and saved their marriage. We shouldn't push you to make a decision in one direction or another... but we can help you once you make a choice.

 

Part of his recovery will involve finding the answers as to why porn became his medication of choice. He will also need to learn how much damage this has caused in his life. And he will need to start fixing the damage. It's a long term process and the pain won't go away overnight. If he is serious about his recovery and uses this opportunity to be open and honest and to truly look to you as a partner then it can eventually bring you both closer together. The fact that you have found a therapist that specializes in sex addiction will be a HUGE asset. Rest assured that you have found a community that can empathize.

 

Hi @TeddyBear,

I am sorry that you are going through this. I appreciate @Ben Jamin' for mentioning me and my wife. Just wanted to correct the link for her, it is @lfromcr.

 

@TeddyBear, your story breaks my heart, and causes me to reflect on the pain I have caused my wife.

If you don't mind, I have some questions for you to ponder. When was the last time he looked at porn? Is this his first attempt to quit? I ask, because I want you to prepare yourself for the worst. Most of us on nofap don't succeed in quitting the first time. Most of us don't succeed in quitting the 50th attempt. Just like alcoholics, most of us will always be addicted and thus, even if we do permanently stop using porn, we will always struggle with the urge and we will always have to manage our addiction.

Try to find solace in the direction and the momentum your husband has during his recovery. Expect missteps. Keeping an open line of communication will be your only way to have any hope of knowing where your husband's true priorities lie. If he is like most of the married men on nofap, we all desperately want our wife and our children to be the most important thing to us, and we hate our addicted self for keeping that from being true.

I just finished reading a very short book, "The Addictive Personality" by Craig Nakken, that I think everyone on nofap who is in a family situation should read. I think you will find it eye opening and help you distinguish between the person you married that you love and the addicted person he is battling with.
https://www.amazon.com/Addictive-Pe...067&sr=1-1&keywords=the+addictive+personality

 

Hi lady!
I understand your frustration and pain, as I did make my wife suffer like that. I'm being good for the last 170 days and I learned a lot here, both from fellow addicts, but also from the victims, the SOs..There is wonderful people on here.

For me, I found that understanding the scientific aspects of the addiction helped me better understand what's going on. Porn addiction and masturbation are both nasty things in the couple, if one SO is fapping in isolation...

Here is a good video for you. Watch it, and consider watching it with your old man after...


Also, this site is good for addicts, to understand better what they did wrong.

http://fightthenewdrug.org/

 

The only way you can start trusting him again is if he stops and you start seeing big changes.
My bf is PMO free since dec7th 2015. He won't even m anymore because he would rather have sex with me. A complete turn around. He realized being with me was the most important thing.
His phone lays forgotten, he goes to bed when I do, he stopped playing video games... Life is about us now. Trust came back.
Porn and m was a habit he had long before we were together. He knows it only leads to loneliness and depression, longing for something real. It's a road he no longer travels. Happily!
Do you think he is sincere about stopping?
Things can get better but only if he is 100% committed to stop. You can't half ass this.
Take care.

 

My brain is mush from work, just want you to know I am happy your SO is heading in the direction of a PMO free life. Jokes are good, laughter really is the best medicine.