Time for a change

Good morning, All.

I'm 36 years old and have been a porn user since I was in my teens. I married my amazing wife a little over two years ago. She has always known about my porn use, and confronted me about it several times in the past. I know it makes her feel insecure and unsexy, and it's been an ever-present dark cloud over our marriage. It has caused heated arguments and long periods of time that we aren't intimate with each other at all. She is convinced that I can't wait to be alone so I can "take care of myself."

Since we first got together I have drastically decreased the frequency that I watch porn; what was semi-daily when I was single is now once every few weeks or once a month. Married life, hobbies, responsibilities, and the like have taken over and I rarely have time for it anyway, much less the urge. But, when either of us is away from home for a few days boredom sets in and porn rears its ugly head again.

I got caught the other night for the first time. She is on a weekend getaway with her best friend and she couldn't sleep, so she looked at our Nest cam to see if I was still awake so we could chat and found me watching porn and reinforcing her idea that I can't wait for her to leave every day so I can jerk off.

So, I'm here. I'm ashamed of myself and I'm trying to save my marriage. I get no satisfaction out of watching porn, but I still do it when I'm away from my wife for a few days. Am I an addict? I don't know. But, I feel shame every time I do it, whether I get caught or not, and this time was a real wakeup call to me. It's time to break this cycle.