Time to go all in.

Howdy y'all.

It's been some ~2-3 months since I attempted to quit porn after I saw a friend's shared post of an anti-P page. Thank you for that, brother.

I figured "what the hell, I ain't got DE, can get hard to fantasies and if I really want can abstain from M. I ain't addicted, but I'm off nonetheless."

Boy I was wrong.

Some two or three months in and I've noticed that path is much, MUCH more difficult than I could've ever expected. First, I'm addicted. Not devastatingly, but addicted nonetheless. Second, your genitals are always there with you it's really easy to access P or P substitutes - much more than gaming, which was also a terrible issue I had but quickly could cut off, or drugs, which can be much more horrible but harder to get - so it's been proving to be quite a struggle to "stay clean".

My best results were like two weeks - the first two weeks - with an all-out no arousal technique which quite worked but then failed miserably as my ultra-testosterone-filled brain couldn't control itself seeing an arousing cleavage on a... fucking Zoom meeting. (I kid you not). Boom! Epic streak of failures until then.

Last week was rather nightmarish, with a pretty harsh exam comin' up I would always relieve my tension thru P. After a few days I could barely focus on studying, my mind was so eroded in dopamine it could only accept to either eat ice cream or M, I couldn't pick a book for 20 mins straight without intense boredom (and I've always been a good student - sitting through 3-4 hours was never a problem).

Honestly, the escalation is mind boggling. Day 1 and stuff like Spice Girls get me aroused. Day 2 and only suggestive cleavages and yoga pants. Day 3 and only non-clothed lassies. Day 3 and only hardcore stuff.

Fuck that, man. I'm tired of relapsing. Maybe being constantly active in a support community can help me stay focused and don't listen to rationalization. It's really awful, I've got friends but I feel I can't talk to them about this. I feel dirty and I feel they'd be disgusted in a certain level if they knew I had this sort of addiction, even if in my social context (college kid) anti-P and anti-M-addiction has been becoming less of a taboo and more of a trend. I mean how do you approach someone to tell me "Yeah so I've got a W addiction" or how can you talk to them about your cravings or obsessive thoughts or your accomplishments? It feels weird, man.

I've also come up with a pretty nifty (I... guess?) tradeoff - after 7 days I get to go eaet ice cream. The number of ice cream balls I can eat is the difference between days without M vs. day with M (M days - non-M days = ice cream balls), and if I watch P I lose that week's change to eat ice cream (And if I relapse twice in a week, I lose 4 ice cream balls in the upcoming week). Let's see if that works.

God, rationalization always destroys me - "Just once to non-P, it's a lot more fun and you know it!" / "In a year or so you'll be healthy so a day or two in delay won't make a difference" / "You're in the front of the computer, you're hella anxious, it helps to relieve stress, so a quick peak won't hurt" / and the worst of all, "You have to save willpower to studying and other more meaningful stuff rather than resist cravings. Come on, we've got work to do, M already so we can get on with it".

NO MORE.

Time to go all in.

I hope... no, I WILL be active in here, or at the very least as active as necessary to help me stay focused.

Anyway, like I said before, howdy. Wish me luck.