Hello laides and gents, 27 years old guy here. My problem with porn addiction actually haven’t started as porn but masturbation. The thing is I learned masturbation in a strange way, doing it in prone position. This started very early like 7 years old and wasn’t so serious because, well I didn’t know what was going on and what I was doing. Strange thing about prone position masturbating is because you need to lay on a surface, your bed seems like your nest and that leads to the urges spiking before sleep. When I was young until 16 years old the frequency of it was 3 times a week or so. Then we had our first wifi router and the wrath of Khan really showed its face. Being able to access porn everywhere in the house felt like I was born for it. That including the bed of course. I started off as vanilla and during the years it got way out of line. I couldn’t even recognise how I got there but clearly remember feeling disgust and shame, telling myself I shouldn’t see all those pictures and videos but couldn’t help the novelty mechanism in my brain which I learned about what it is last year finally. When I got into college I started a long term relationship and guess what. I was a low self esteem, high sex driven but unable to have it monkey. My girlfriend wasn’t supportive at all and I couldn’t find the courage to tell her about it so we ended up breaking up. I couldn’t have sex with her. Not entirely because of this but I think porn addiction had a real impact on my life and actions, leaving me always washed out, without focus and will. After the break up it got worse and by that time I was masturbating 3 or more times a day especially before sleep driving myself to total black out. I had constant fatigue from all that edging and exhaustion. Couldn’t concentrate if my life depands on it and had trouble waking up early, getting out of bed because when I wake up first thing I did was looking at the screen of my phone unable to stop myself. I knew something was very wrong. During this time I managed to learn masturbating normally but it’s not instinctive and I still feel the need to do it prone. So after a year or so I had my first sex experience. I couldn’t do it in the first try saying I was too nervous after my break up(lies) but the girl was supportive this time and a day after, I could finally manage to do it but without cumming. The girl was satisfied I was not. It was nowhere near the rush I get from the porn and I was just excited to finally lose my virginity. I was very lucky because even after all those years of abusing my dopamine receptors and physically hurting my penis, I still managed to have sex. After that I somewhat regained my self esteem a bit. I was still masturbating every day to porn but I can still manage to see girls. I hooked up often sometimes needing performance enchanting drugs. Using a condom without the drugs was out of the question. I was 23 at that point and started to face the real consequences of porn abuse. Major depression, signs of major focus problems, sleep deprivation, being unable to sleep without prone masturbation (one hand on the phone, one hand on the groin), back pains due to always laying prone, weight gain problems. And the scariest thing I noticed was I was unable to really feel love. I was distant, my emotions were foggy, nothing seemed real and as a result I started having existential crisis, all fueling my depression. I had an active sex life sometimes with 6 months with the same girlfriend while still needing the stimulation from porn. Needless to say I’m still suffering from PIED from time to time. I watched some very hard scenes but only do normal sex leading to anxiety of thinking that I wasn’t able to satisfy my partner. I try to extend the duration of sex to the point of the girl getting bored, masking it under the appearance of being too good at bed. I don’t know how but I managed up to this point. My depression deepened because my work and school life aren’t improving by an inch and I feel lost. Covering sex isn’t enough and I need structural changes to feel like a functioning human again. I missed all those emotions, all the thrill of trying new things in life. I went to a psychiatrist with the complaint of depression but couldn’t bring up this topic so the doc prescribed me with antidepressants. Then I learned about how the brain works, the neural pathways leading me to NoFap. I honestly think rebooting is the correct answer by this point and happy to be amongst you guys. I tried to do it by myself before I discovered NoFap but to no avail. My relapses are real hard and learning about coping mechanisms will help a lot. I know I wrote a lot so thank all of you for being there and having the patience to tolerate a stranger.
