To live a Secret life

Hi everyone,

I am a 26 year old male graduated from uni 2 years ago and been working at the airport since then. Firstly, I have to say this organisation has been somewhat of a blessing in my life. The internet is filled with porn and useless shit that can destroy a persons personality and since i came across nofap about 9 days ago I cant tell you how grateful/happy/glad i am to have found something useful on the internet!

Anyway, I wanted to talk about how PMO has become the release vent for any situation / thought/ emotions, that I want to escape from. I started masturbating at around 13 or 14 years old as a young boy in my room to what some old friends called the "memory wank", this was off course before the days of broadband internet, it would be more like waiting for everyone to leave the house so i could whip out the computer and on came the online porno pictures and box of tissues.

I guess I was an okay kid for where Im from back then growing up in the early 2000s in London. I had 2 or 3 relationships with girls but I would still masturbate alot with watching porno whenever I could. Then the desire and subconscious side-effects of porn came along as online porn wasnt giving as much pleasure so I remember visiting a brothel for the first time with a close friend, where we lost our virginity. Soon masturbating, pornography, prostitutes (of which at one stage i was binging), drinking, smoking weed all the things forbidden for a Muslim became the dirty little secret in my life. I was living my life without a fuck to give as long as I was fitting in and looking cool in the clubs in front of friends and the girls.

Then I hit 21 and during my first year at University, I fell into a deep depression and was taken to hospital while having a panic attack (scary shit). After this they put me on some strong anti-psychotic medicines for about a year in which it seemed my whole world had been put upside down.

In this dark, grey, apathetic, joyless time in my life, I got a part-time job as a Dominos delivery driver just to put my time to use. This didn't do me no favours either as Id often be driving around the streets late night exposed to the countless temptations to which Id succumb to almost regularly. Basically, the next 2-3 years I became the embodiment of this hazardous self pitying lifestyle I was passively immersed in, through which I would see women as merely accessible objects that can be bought for money. And as expected my friendships that were once so important to me had began to disappear along with my self-esteem, self-confidence all went out the window as Id struggle with holding down a convo with a girl for more than 2 minutes.

All of this wallowing in my own despair only fueled this cycle (Tony Robbins talks about the crazy 8 where your sad then become angry, and when your tired of being angry you go back to being sad) So anyway there came a point in my life last year that I hit the pain tolerance barrier and couldnt take living my life the way I was. I decided to overhaul my lifestyle by changing everything I could so I took on a 60 day fat loss challenge where I quit smoking after 8 years and lost about 2 stones in 50 odd days to bring me back down to what I looked like before my life turned upside down. This was a truly heroic time in my life as I started noticing changes in the way people would be around me and how girls would give attention, except I dont know how to capitalise on this now (because I think it is PMO that still casts a shadow over me)


I am still however on this journey of self-betterment and am beginning to really experience some of the benefits from PMO abstinence since 4th Feb (9 days ago). I was telling my friend I have never gone this long without masturbating since I was 14 years old, and that is an acheivment that I only hope to continue. In this short time, my legs feel alot stronger, my voice has really deepened, my thoughts are alot less perverted, but most of all I feel more wholesome or in equilibrium and I really hope that I soon start to feel more confident in talking with women too as I want to find a girl friend and start a relationship! I use medium cold showers as a substitute to whenever I feel the urge or feel am about to start edging which I think helps. This website is also great as its re-affirming everything I want to do in my life. I read somewhere its days 5-13 that are the hardest, how true (or scientifically proven) is this? because I am expecting the first 2 months to be the hardest! after which PMO is out of your system and your brains settings are reconfigured to factory condition as it were. Anyway, im sorry if Ive told you my entire life story but Im just really glad im going to overcome and beat this repulsive and vile aspect from my life.

Itll be interesting to read some of your thoughts, comments and any advice on how I should go about this new commitment and goals in my life.

Thanks guys,

P.s: Ill be updating on my progress in a month ) wish me luck