Too much information?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Hotpotts, Aug 22, 2017.

  1. Hotpotts

    Hotpotts Fapstronaut

    In order to rebuild my trust, I want my SO to tell me what he has been doing. Not the gory details but if he just used P or if he went on dating sites, tv phone shows, you tube subscriptions etc.
    He keeps brushing over my suspicions or denying them.
    Is it necessary for me to know this? I feel like I need a confession in order to be able to trust him again.
    He is a very private person and quite reserved so even judt talking about sex isnt easy.
    Any ideas?
  2. sparkywantsnoPMO

    sparkywantsnoPMO NoFap Moderator & Yeoman
    Staff Member

    Is it known in the relationship that he has done something, or is it just suspicion? If it's known, then you should emphasize that this is important to rebuild trust.

    Something to note in this case - your counter indicates that you are abstaining from P, although I understand that the way the counter works, it might just be M. My point is that is P was normal in the relationship, and now you are quitting it, he may not be defining it as bad and thus the reason for brushing you off.
  3. Hotpotts

    Hotpotts Fapstronaut

    Abstaining from M- always done M from an early age, so giving it up to see what happens.
    Had a spate of reading P when quite young but then never bothered for 30 years - always preferred the real thing.
    When realised my SO was watching P, i started to out of anger and spite - lets see what its all about. But started to feel numb during S and started to feel the addictive effects so stopped.
    I think he doesnt think its wrong but is battling with DE and lack of arousal.
    Looked horrified when I asked him to tell me whats going on
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2017
  4. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

    my gut says this is the wrong question. My opinion is that what's necessary is for you to know he's open to you and no matter how hard it is, will tell what you want to hear. I suspect if you knew/felt that, specific details wouldn't be an issue.

    Kinda sounds like your guy isn't "there" yet. Sounds like he isn't ready to go through ugly stuff in order to get better.

    I'm sorry.
    Idaho man likes this.
  5. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

    You have EVERY right to know whatever you need to know to start healing.
    Deleted Account and SOSo like this.
  6. Hotpotts

    Hotpotts Fapstronaut

    I just need to know he is capable of telling me the truth
  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Have a Boundaries conversation.
    We Literally wrote a list.
    Neither of us are allowed to break them, in our case.
    If we do it's cheating.
    Other people have other rules.
    I outlined mine in my journal.
    Everyone else's is in the boundaries thread
  8. SOSo

    SOSo Fapstronaut

    Kenzi likes this.
  9. SOSo

    SOSo Fapstronaut

    Usually, no. This takes time. If he is PA it's a no. It's shameful and hard to tell the truth about this topic. He needs to get better for himself, but disclosure is a part of that. It's his terms and willingness and hard work that determine that. He's been hiding for so long he's not used to the light.
    Hotpotts and Idaho man like this.
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I disagree.
    After the rock bottom moment, my guy found his honest bone.
    He also found the ability to talk and talk about everything.
    I need the details too

    I want it all.
    I need transparency
    I need honesty
    I need alot.
    He distroyed everything so I need all this stuff now
    Hotpotts, Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and SOSo like this.
  11. SOSo

    SOSo Fapstronaut

    I definitely feel you. I absolutely feel the same way. But I know my SO has been lying for his entire life (abusive, controlling home life), even as simple as "I didn't eat that". I find the dichotomy between wanting to know everything and giving him space to feel comfortable quite hard. Trust me, I slip and question, and get angry. It just pushes him into spite and continued dishonesty. The times he's truly honest with me is when he feels I won't punish him or be angry with him.

    I try, but it's so difficult.
  12. SOSo

    SOSo Fapstronaut

    Also, my SO has rarely hit rock bottom with me. I always come back, so I may not be the best example.
  13. Idaho man

    Idaho man Fapstronaut

    I only have one side of the story to offer. But I can tell you all that if you demand I would withdraw even further. Whatever I decide to do needs to be on my terms.

    I have been addicted for 43 years to PMO. In my first marriage she got demanding and this caused me to do whatever I needed to do to hide it even deeper.

    I am moving forward and it is because I want to change. I am doing it because it's what I want, not, what someone else wants. Whenever anyone changes in this regard or any other aspect of life, it always has to be for themselves. You cannot change someone, it is not within your power. It appears to me that because this is out of your control, you are trying to force it back into your control. And by so doing, you will only force this behavior deeper in.

    I understand your need to know, what I don't understand is why you would subject yourself to all of the gory details. I have never understood the need for that. Keep in mind, he will most likely not be willing to give them anyway. I know you say full transperancy, but, is that really going to accomplish that. Or are you looking for more information in order to decide if you should stay with your SO. Just some things you may want to ask yourself first. Because once he tells you, he can't untell you.

    Everyone must decide for themselves what is best for their relationship. But for me, I won't be pushed into something that I don't want to do. I won't be in that position. I understand how you feel. I have been in your position as well. I had no desire to know everything. I didn't want all the details.

    Just my thoughts.
  14. SOSo

    SOSo Fapstronaut

    My husband has stated he would never want to know the details of if I cheated, only if I had. I get this, but for me it's different. I have to go off his current empathetical standards, not mine. He can't understand my need, but he can grow to have enough empathy to realize my needs are valid, even if he can't imagine needing it himself.
    Kerouac likes this.
  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    If you are going to hurt me over and over.
    Shame, embarrass us, our relationship, mock us... Post boundaries, post vow... If you know and do again and again and again and again... If you do it in my house... Risk the job that puts a roof over our kids heads, I then have a right to know.
    If you can't do that after you ask me to stay?
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and SOSo like this.
  16. Hotpotts

    Hotpotts Fapstronaut

    I dont need to know all the gory details.
    Its about being trusted by my SO with personal issues, to have secrets together instead of against each other.
    Its also about being able to trust my SO.
    I have no interedt in punishing my SO. The opposite in fact. The deception and lies eat away at my thoughts every day. The truth, no matter what it is would be a relief.
    I realise this is a guys journey for himself but every action a partner does has a positive or negative effect on the other partner in the relationship. PA addiction in a relationship is unfortunately inextricably linked.
    Basically guys,
    Grow a pair and give your woman what she needs. Take your time do it at your own pace but the ugly truth is far better to hear than a 'protective' lie.
    I am hoping to have this conversation and offer total amnesty for anything he's done. I can forgive the truth and draw a line under it and move on. Lying just perpetuates the problem
  17. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I feel like this is contraindicated.
    Without some details, how can you learn the truth?
    Based on the sentence "I am clean"?
    For me knowing more is a guarantee that I know the truth because I know what the old lies are.
    I know the distinction and the distinguish ment.
    This is vital to his Reboot and my healing.
    It's our secret against the world, but how can we share it, hold it, unless he trusts me with it in the first place?
    Not sharing would be a lack of trust moving forward.
    This, is punishment if he asks me to stay in the relationship... He would not be trusting me.
    Why would he want to punish me?
    Didn't the PA do that with the PMO?
    That's cruel.
    I do agree lying is only adding.
    Everyone in every relationship is different and will have different needs.
    If I require more than you or her or her or maybe she needs more than me.
    Either way, if you ask her to stay or want to work it out, you are at the mercy of the other side.
    I hope I did a good job at stretching this out. Showing the flip coin.
    SOSo and Queen_Of_Hearts_13 like this.
  18. To me, lying and secrets are the worst thing you can ever do to a relationship. I can forgive a lot of things, but once someone lies to me and I believe them, only to find out later that it was a lie, how can I really ever trust them again? Forgiveness can be easy when you're in love, but trust is so hard to rebuild.

    I've always told my husband that I can forgive him for pretty much anything, but if you lie to me, that is going to ruin so much more than whatever mistake you made. I think the fact that my man knows how forgiving I am, he is more comfortable telling me when he makes mistakes. So if you want him to be honest, I think one thing you need to so is ensure that he knows you aren't going to freak out when he tells you things.

    That being said, though, it's important to note and remember that it shouldn't really be your responsibility to help him to be honest. It's a good thing to do, because it benefits you as well to make it easier on him, but at the end of the day, he should be honest on his own, because it's the right thing to do.
    Hotpotts and SOSo like this.
  19. How much you want to know is a very personal decision, but a disclosure should happen. I myself haven't had a REAL disclosure yet. This drives me mad, because I get triggered by 70% of the female population out of not knowing what stuff he was into. His answers are always so vague, that I could come up with more details about my own past P use.
  20. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    Because of the effort being put forth and the total reboot, I don't need total control of the situation, meaning, if there is no infraction, I don't need to know where he's been, what he's been looking at, what is he doing every second of every day etc. I don't need a check in. But when things were bad and he was heavily involved (after discovery), I needed every single detail. I had to know. If he would have physically cheated, I would have wanted every tiny little detail. It's just the way I work.

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