Trying to Change My Life

I'm Luke, 26 years old. I never thought of porn being an issue until I saw Gary Wilson's "The Great Porn Experiment" on Youtube. That shocked me.

But I failed and failed. Porn was ingrained in my mind. I could only get to about 2 weeks.

Looking back at my life, I feel like porn changed my personality, such as by destroying confidence, increasing depression, increasing anxiety, especially in high school. High school is a blur. I think brain fog was extremely high at that time.

This never came to full consciousness until the last 2 years. But I've made progress. I look at porn maybe once or twice a month. I tried getting rid of just porn, but it's not enough. Everything has to be reset. Sexual images are everywhere. The mind has to be wiped clean, just as a computer is wiped of a virus.

The goal is 90 days at the least. I remember it was so difficult to not masturbate once that I didn't sleep for hours. I was sweating in bed, lying there, refusing to fap. That reminds me of the movie "Trainspotting," where the guy tries to get off heroin. And then BOOM! I remembered Gary Wilson's speech about how looking at porn on tube sites had the same effect that heroin has on the brain. Even the brain scans of a heroin addict and a porn addict were the same. That scared me even more. This year I know I have to take it seriously. I don't want to be looking at porn or even jacking it when I'm older (no offense to those older), such as in my fifties or sixties.

I don't even remember if I even looked at it daily. It's a blur. Maybe I have in the past. If so, then I've come a long way, since now I do it about once or twice a month. Now, after relapsing, I felt sick and disgusted. Then I remembered a Youtube vid from someone on nofap who said to "remember the pain of the relapse." That's good advice. I know porn never fulfills you. It's an illusion. The brain just perceives the images as real, but the woman on the screen isn't real. You are not with her. You're by yourself, in a dark place, physically and mentally. It's just flashing colors really. It's like when Cypher in "The Matrix" wanted to be put back into the Matrix, even though he knew it wasn't real. It's comfortable. He even says "ignorance is bliss." But this was untrue. Knowing the truth sets you free.

So now I'm doing nofap for 90 days. I know I'll do it this year.
Hard mode, by the way. No PMO.
Thanks for reading.