Trying with accountability

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Paladin1, Mar 27, 2017.

  1. Paladin1

    Paladin1 Fapstronaut

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    I just joined because after years of attempts to stop on my own, I've never progressed beyond a week. In a month, I'll have been married for 12 years, and my "solo work" has nearly destroyed our marriage.
    A bit of background: I'm in my mid-30s, and this has been an issue for me for over two decades. At my worst, I was taking care of business 2-4 times a day, 7 days a week (even during the marriage). Most recently, I've been 1-3 times a day, but I've struggled to get past the 3-day mark.
    My hope is to use the accountability here to get past the week, month, and, hopefully, year mark and save my relationship with my wife. The lack of orgasm during sex has all but killed our sex life, and that has also harmed our relationship as she feels that I'm less interested in her than in the porn, stories, etc. Thanks in advance for your help.
     
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2017
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  2. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and sometimes challenge you but not judge you.

    What are your current strategies for combating the enemy called PMO?
     
  3. Paladin1

    Paladin1 Fapstronaut

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    To be honest, I'm trying to use willpower (and web filters). Unfortunately, I've not put together a plan because I am unsure as to what I can do beyond that.

    My wife, fortunately, is being very helpful and supportive. We've agreed to no oral or manual stimulation for the foreseeable future. I know that this is an ambitious goal, but I'd like to hit at least 28 days before her birthday at the end of May.

    Do you (or anyone else willing to share) have any suggestions on strategies that I can use to make this successful?
     
  4. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the forum. Willpower alone will not conquer addiction. The reason why we stay addicted is because our willpower has shriveled as our brains are literally rewired to respond only to porn. Here's the basic formula to address addiction.
    1. Identify triggers - physical, emotional, and environmental.
    2. Avoid the ones you can avoid, address the ones you can address, remove the ones you can remove, and learn to cope with the ones that won't go away.
    3. Build a toolbag of distraction and alternate ways of dealing with emotional situations that make you crave porn.

    Abstinence alone does not work. Once you start addressing underlying problems then you will start to make progress. I wish you success on your journey.
     
  5. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

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  6. Paladin1

    Paladin1 Fapstronaut

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    So, at the suggestions from i_wanna_get_better1, I have taken a look at my life, and I think I have identified some of my triggers and how to counteract as many as I can.

    Triggers
    1. As sad as this sounds, boredom is probably my biggest trigger. I'm bad to get bored with what I'm doing (reading, watching tv, playing online), and I start to fantasize about characters, actresses, etc. It only takes a few moments of getting lost in my boredom that I feel the need.
    2. Depression plays a large part as well. I've struggled with this for years, and my doctor recently upped my dosage, which has seemed to help with this trigger somewhat.
    3. Loneliness often follows closely with the depression. I have a new job that I love, but my schedule is nearly opposite that of my wife. Days when we are apart are harder for me to resist as I begin to fantasize for wont of being with her (when this is the case, the fantasies are focused on her).
    4. Lack of sexual release is also a significant issue. Due to the masturbation, I struggle to complete in the bedroom without manual stimulation. This has created a wedge between us, and our actual sexual interactions occur less than once a month.

    Overcoming those triggers
    1. With boredom, the easy thing is to change what I'm doing. If I'm reading a book or magazine, go to a computer game. If it's TV, read a book. If nothing else works, do laundry, work in the yard, go for a walk, etc. Laziness has allowed my boredom to take over.
    2. As I said earlier, my physician has increased the dosage of my antidepressant, so that is helping some. I am also trying to get out and exercise more to increase my endorphin levels.
    3. There's not much I can do with this. Our jobs are both very fulfilling, and we love them. I am trying to work my schedule (it is somewhat flexible) so we get more time together, but it is still limited as her hours (M-F 8a-5p) and mine (F-Tu 1p-9p) are so drastically different.
    4. Right now, the sexual interaction is staying minimal. The short-term goal here is for me to reach a week before we attempt to have sex, but I have set limits (no oral, no manual) to what we can do for at least a year. I fear that if I allow her these things, it will make me want to return to my habits. I am also determined that if I am unable to complete (a likely situation from past experience), I must remain true to my promise to her and myself regarding no porn or masturbation.

    So, there you have it. It's not pretty, and looking back over it, I'm rather sad and ashamed about some of the issues, but I can't get better until I admit the problems.
     
    D . J . likes this.
  7. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    As you are being intimate with you wife, place more emphasis on the intimacy and less on your ability to complete yo orgasm. Intimacy is more important.
     
  8. Paladin1

    Paladin1 Fapstronaut

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    Agreed. I have been, but due to years of declining orgasms, she's starting to feel as if my inability to orgasm as a deficiency for her. It is a hard thing to untrain, but we're working on it.
     
  9. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    The most you can do is to constantly reassure her of the truth. This is caused by something you did you yourself and unfortunately she has to pay the price for it. Thank her for continuing to love you through the this time in your marriage.
     
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  10. esforzado

    esforzado Fapstronaut

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    OK, "solo worker", it is important to have a reason when quitting, a good reason, a reason that is important to you. This habit is a habit we probably would not quit unless it had some bad repercussions in our lives. Cigarette smokers would not quit if it did not affect them adversely. They lose lung capacity and eventually get cancer. There are all kinds of bad results from using porn all the time. From PIED (porn induced erectile dysfunction) to social interaction problems.
    "When I quit, I quit. I did not count the days, I woke up every morning and said to myself I am never going back". I think that is the mindset you must have.
     
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  11. Paladin1

    Paladin1 Fapstronaut

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    That makes sense. I didn't post this, but I had kinda taken that mentality to this. I've had some rough days lately (I don't know that I could ever go "hard mode"), but I've still been able to "distract" myself (for lack of a better term) until the urge passes. As a former smoker (12 years clean after 5 years of up to 1.5 packs a day), I know that I'll always have the urge to go back, but I also know that in order to keep from falling back into old habits, I have to continue to restrain myself.
     
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2017
    D . J . likes this.
  12. Paladin1

    Paladin1 Fapstronaut

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    Well, I've hit one week. It's been tough, but i made it, thanks in large part to those of you on here. I'm hoping for at least another 7, but I know this is just the first step in a life-long journey.
     
    D . J . likes this.
  13. Paladin1

    Paladin1 Fapstronaut

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    So I ended up giving into my urges this morning, and I admit that while I did give in, I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I might. I've been on the edge of giving in for several days, but I've been able to keep myself from doing it. Unfortunately, I did give in, but the thing that bothers me most is the fact that once I started, I considered stopping but didn't. My mind said, "Well, you've gone this far, so you're going to have to call it a relapse. You might as well just go for it." I then gave in completely.

    So while I did hit 18 days, a feat I never thought possible 18 days ago, I realized that I have a bigger issue than PM — mental restraint. I wanted to stop — almost did — but I gave in because I felt that a relapse was a relapse, so I might as well. So while my goal is to get past 18 days, which I know is possible because I got that far to begin with, I also will be working to stop these mental gymnastics that kept me from stopping myself.
     
  14. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    You have learned the length of time you can remain sober and you have learned there is always a chance to say no. It's better to reset because you started than reset because you finished.

    Here's your next challenge... the chaser effect. It's easier to resist taking a bite of food if you have only smelled the food rather than taken a bite out of it. You just took a bite out of your food and the residual taste is still there. You will most likely become hungry for another bite soon.
     
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  15. Paladin1

    Paladin1 Fapstronaut

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    You're right. I fell victim to the chaser effect. Man, that was harder than keeping stopped to begin with. Starting over this morning with the hopes of being able to keep from falling victim again.
     
  16. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Tha
    You have no idea what great truth you have spoken.

    Using the analogy I previously used, once you PMO, the taste of that food lingers. It's like the aftertaste of your favorite pastry or other food. For me, it's grapes. I cannot eat one grape. The taste lingers in my mouth and I just have to eat another, then another, then another... before I realize it, I have eaten far more than I planned to eat.

    The chaser is just like that. The high you experience when you O... there is none other like it. As much as you want to move forward, the "taste" from the O lingers causing you to want to do it again.

    Remember this experience because the danger of experiencing the chaser effect again may be enough to stop you from resetting in the first place.
     

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