I'll give it a try to formulate it in a post. It is quite condensed as it covers about 6 years. I strongly believed in the romantic love. I would crush on a girl and do anything I could to get her. This happened to me several times. These crushes lasted between 6 months or 2 years (can't believe it myself now). I would try anything to build up a relation naturally so that I could make a move without coming over as a complete idiot. During these periods I was longing for their companionship and to overcome my sad feelings or lack of (sexual) romantic relationships I turned to porn and masturbation. I was convinced that if I could manage to win my crush over, my life would be a bliss. I finally managed to do this with one girl when I was 21, but completely ruined it by saying that I loved her (bro tip: never, ever say this after you kiss for the first time!). Next day, she was gone. I was devastated and heartbroken, I became depressed. I did not understand why I could not manage to get a girlfriend or get laid. Then I decided to take things in my own hands. No more would I be guided by feelings for other persons. It was me against the world. I started to improve myself, organise my life, finding a purpose, reading books, researching how my body works (one of the reasons I want to stop porn), researching how attraction works, and so on and so forth. I learned to control my feelings and thoughts sort of say. I set multiple goals to orient myself, two of them were: get a girlfriend, lose my virginity. Important was that I also gave myself a time limit of a year. But when I was 22 I crushed on a girl again, she was perfect (bla bla bla), and I was very resolute and asked her out. After one date she turned me down. I was not devastated as in previous occasions, I was incredibly disappointed but now I just did not care anymore. I felt that I was still the same. I had my own goals in life, and if she did not want to be part of my life, fine. My "transformation" was complete. One month later, I got laid, I noticed I got more attention from girls which I had not had before (or did not notice because I would be blinded by my crushes). And now I am in a relationship with a wonderful girl. in short I stopped caring what others thought of me. I made my own perspective of "me", and since then everything changed.