Virgin and never had a girlfriend

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by stronger99, Nov 16, 2015.

  1. Hoplite

    Hoplite Fapstronaut

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    I'll give it a try to formulate it in a post. It is quite condensed as it covers about 6 years.

    I strongly believed in the romantic love. I would crush on a girl and do anything I could to get her. This happened to me several times. These crushes lasted between 6 months or 2 years (can't believe it myself now). I would try anything to build up a relation naturally so that I could make a move without coming over as a complete idiot. During these periods I was longing for their companionship and to overcome my sad feelings or lack of (sexual) romantic relationships I turned to porn and masturbation. I was convinced that if I could manage to win my crush over, my life would be a bliss. I finally managed to do this with one girl when I was 21, but completely ruined it by saying that I loved her (bro tip: never, ever say this after you kiss for the first time!). Next day, she was gone. I was devastated and heartbroken, I became depressed. I did not understand why I could not manage to get a girlfriend or get laid.

    Then I decided to take things in my own hands. No more would I be guided by feelings for other persons. It was me against the world. I started to improve myself, organise my life, finding a purpose, reading books, researching how my body works (one of the reasons I want to stop porn), researching how attraction works, and so on and so forth. I learned to control my feelings and thoughts sort of say. I set multiple goals to orient myself, two of them were: get a girlfriend, lose my virginity. Important was that I also gave myself a time limit of a year.

    But when I was 22 I crushed on a girl again, she was perfect (bla bla bla), and I was very resolute and asked her out. After one date she turned me down. I was not devastated as in previous occasions, I was incredibly disappointed but now I just did not care anymore. I felt that I was still the same. I had my own goals in life, and if she did not want to be part of my life, fine. My "transformation" was complete. One month later, I got laid, I noticed I got more attention from girls which I had not had before (or did not notice because I would be blinded by my crushes). And now I am in a relationship with a wonderful girl.

    in short
    I stopped caring what others thought of me. I made my own perspective of "me", and since then everything changed.
     
    WarriorScarr and stronger99 like this.
  2. stronger99

    stronger99 Fapstronaut

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    Hey i was the exact same way, I would crush on girls for years without barely saying a word to them. I have also felt strange that I could never get a girlfriend. Especially with facebook it makes it even worse and it increases jealously a lot. I have become more confident within in the last year. NoFap has helped a lot. My problem is that I'm so still a virgin and so inexperienced sexually that I have no idea and always freeze up to make a move sexually like kissing, holding hands.
    Also your first time did you know what to do sexually, like I'm scared I dont even know how to undress a girl and things like that
     
    XPiRED likes this.
  3. Hoplite

    Hoplite Fapstronaut

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    And I always thought I was simply naïve, maybe it is more common than I thought. Funny enough I also had no clue how to get sexual with a girl. I want to say one thing first, it is absolutely not, and I mean completely not, as in porn. I had wrong expectations and that was very hard to change. My parents never told me anything about sex, my sexual education on school was terrible. I only knew how the babies were made. Everything else I knew was from porn, which is a shame. So I wanted to educate myself in (sexually) approaching girls. I read books and watched videos from pick-up artists, I read books about self-confidence and attraction, anything I could find. Most important, you learn the best from actually doing it (with any girl, not just a crush).

    Regarding things like holding hands and kissing, this comes naturally. Just go with the flow. I did not know what I was doing, but you should not worry about this. What worked for me is to think that if I did not try to do something (the male always takes initiative, if you like it or not) nothing would happen at all. So I just went for it the first time. When you hold hands or kissed once, it seems really no big deal.

    My first time sexually was a one night stand, I do not regret it. At first I only wanted to lose my virginity to a crush. My perspective now is that virginity is absolute nonsense, but that is my opinion. Again, if you do it once, the next time is so much easier. If I screwed up with this girl I would never see again, who cares? During the whole thing I kinda pretended to know what I was doing, as long as you are confident, the girls do not care. Just don't pressure yourself or think about it too much. If you have come far enough to get a girl to want to have sex with you, it really does not matter.

    I can't stress it enough, you must be "confident". In other words, you must not think about what others are thinking.
     
    WarriorScarr, stronger99 and Dajic like this.
  4. Hoplite

    Hoplite Fapstronaut

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    Thnx, no problem! I thought sharing my experience might help others.
     
  5. Empowered

    Empowered Fapstronaut

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    I remember being in the same situation when I was 18. I remember how it felt. Others have mentioned it before, but let me point this out one more time: You can not get fulfillment from others. Stupid but interesting: Hugh Hefner, a man who lives in a house with a bunch of highly attractive young women faps to porn after sex with multiple of them because it is just not giving him fulfillment and his mind always needs more.

    What I'm trying to say: Accept yourself, strive to becoming greater every day, don't expect others to make you happy but make others happy instead. Love yourself, only then will you be able to really love someone else, as well as being loved by them.
    Think of it the other way round: who would you rather date?
    A girl that is always depressed with an aura of desperation and self-hate
    or
    A happy, confident girl that enjoys life without depending on others
     
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  6. Carl Williams

    Carl Williams Fapstronaut

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    I am in the exact same boat as many of the guys on this page. I am 21 and virgin (technically I'm not... but I don't think paying for it counts). I have never had a girlfriend. I was once close with this girl in Year 9 (about 6 years ago) but it never happened as I changed schools. In the next 3 years of highschool I was socially awkward when it came to women and became a bit of an outcast... 3 years into University and I am still single. I am counting on NoFap and generally improving my attitude and mental health to soon have a girlfriend and fulfil the emotional intimacy I crave.
    And to anyone here considering prostitutes; I seriously advise against it, especially if you have self esteem issues.

    Good Luck Everyone
    Carl Williams
    Williams Family
     
  7. Pushaa

    Pushaa New Fapstronaut

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    Well here's my story:
    (29, never had a real GF, still virgin)

    My current situation is a complete mess. I did have to stop my university because of lack of motivation and self-organisation. So I kind of wasted the last 3-4 years, didn't even go out that much and never had the drive to go out and meet ppl. I just wanted to play games all day and pmo, the usual embarassing stuff yada yada.

    So I started in a new school in september , there was this one cute girl hitting on me like crazy from day one. We eventually dated but I did the rookie mistakes (not making a move, being passive and worst of all becoming needy and clingy) she loses interest and I see her everyday reminding me of my failure(s). I'm 100% sure it wouldn't have worked out (she just used me to get over her ex and her mental state is everything but stable) and I don't know if it would have changed anything if I had had sex with her. I think it would have made things even worse.

    It's not like I didn't have chances, all my life girls had crushes on me but I never really felt like I wanted to have them with me (be it because of attraction or their personality)
    But this time it was totally different, but not because of her (well she is very attractive and I really wanted to have sex with her and make her feel comfortable). The feeling of being accepted and valued as a person from someone you're into is really amazing (even tho it turned out the be a lie). But ultimately it cannot cure the feeling of incompletion and void inside of me, that's something I can only do by myself and certainly not via PMO and Porn. I realize my brain has been programmed that way through the last couple of years so NoFap is a really good way for me to work on myself.

    I may go through alot of pain lately but I noticed that all the mistakes of the past are irrelevant for me as a person. Running through every possible outcome over and over again is pointless. Accept your mistakes, accept the pain, embrace the pain learn from it an grow as a person.
     
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2015
  8. Keemo

    Keemo Fapstronaut

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    Words to live by. Honestly, this sums up the best books I have read and all the wisdom of the world combined.
     
  9. Yandere Scientist

    Yandere Scientist Fapstronaut

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    Wow. I really want to thank each of you because you made me remember something important. First, I'm like most of you guys, I'm 22 y-o and still virgin. My past is full of failures in so many ways that it literally destroyed me. Since one and a half year, I spend my time by reconstructing myself of this past. I took the initiative to attend school again, I do bodybuilding, am learning to play guitar. What I want to say is: when I felt good this year was when I trusted myself the most. I lived days by feeling myself as a true man, I felt like myself. It was so great to feel yourself, to feel like you're a man and not a child or someone inferior. That's when I felt happy and when anxiety didn't strike me.
    As of today, anxiety strikes me because of my past, but I learnt that it's useless to live with your past, what's done is done, what's important is the present.
    Since some month, I took the initiative to become strong. Not the strongest man in the world. Just strong. Because now I'm 22 and I want to fulfil my dream. I know that deep down I'm a serious man who wants to live a good life, and I know I can do it even with personnal problems. AND I know that a girl won't be able to "cure" me. It's not easy as that, I don't even wish to lose my virginity the sooner possible. What I want to find is true love, I believe that I will find a nice girl with who i'll be happy, but I also know it's not the solution to everything about me. In fact, I have a crush on a girl I met this summer, I saw her only one day and since then, I felt that I really have some love for her. She interest me and is a nice girl.
    It's not for her that I want to be a man, to work on myself for being better and to say goodbye for all the bad shit that happened. It's for myself, because I want to be happy. Because I'm that man inside of me, it just didn't have tha opportunity to be present.

    There are good times and bad times. We should not lose hope, what's important is what we are inside of us. Thank you again, I thought nofap would only help me to be released from masturbation and porn, but the more I'm here, the more I see it will give me some key to be myself.
     
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