Weird OCD + Sissy Fetish is affecting me

Hello everyone,

I am in great need of help regarding this issue I have been facing for quite some time now. This post might be a bit long and I apologise beforehand since this post might be a bit triggering for some. So here goes-

I am a 23 year old guy, single and virgin till date and I started masturbating when I was almost 14 years old. At that time, usually I used to regularly masturbate either by fantasizing about women, or watching some sex scenes from movies or songs with those sensual dances and scenes which used to air on TV. I remember getting back home from school and the first thing I would do is switch on the TV and browse through channels to look for such content and masturbate. When I was about 15 years old, I discovered hardcore online pornography and began fapping to that alongwith soft porn content seen in movies, as well as to photos of bikini models etc. I started watching vanilla boy-girl porn, and then eventually discovered lesbian porn, although I didn’t find it that interesting as plain vanilla boy-girl porn. Nevertheless, I still used to watch lesbian porn ocassionally and masturbate. By this time I had joined college and used to fap twice a day to porn on a daily basis. When we used to get study leaves, which usually were for 1-1.5 months before exams, I used to fap like 4-5 times a day to porn. During this time, I used to get gay fantasies about 1-2 of my friends occasionally and even fap to them, but since they used to occur only occasionally, I didn’t pay much attention to them. Also, I have never been attracted to men, neither physically or romantically. It has always been women. So I never thought much about these fantasies. All this went on for two years, and eventually by the age of 17, I had enrolled myself for further studies. Since that required me to attend classes for long hours everyday, my number of fappings in a day used to be around 1-2 everyday. Also I forgot to mention that during my fapping sessions, I used to do edging and still tend to do. Well a year later, when I was 18, I was again on study leaves for my exams pertaining to my higher studies, and yet again, I started fapping to porn for 4-5 times a day. Because of this habit of mine, I failed miserably in my exams. During this time, I noticed that I was starting to have strange OCD tendencies like checking out for switches whether they are turned off, unexplained fear and anxiety etc. I didn’t know why this was happening and thought maybe because of hormonal changes in transitioning from adolescence to adulthood, that might be the cause. This went on for some months and gradually the anxiety disappeared, and even my OCD somewhat got reduced. Eventually after 2 years, when I turned 20, I landed myself a job. PMO still used to be there but it used to be just 1-2 times a day.

Now fast forward to 2020, I quit my job in February to pursue further studies, but because of the Covid-19 pandemic and the lockdown, I was staying indoors all day everyday. Now this is where things started spiralling out of control. One day I stumbled upon a particular lesbian porn scene and while watching it, I began fantasising about gay sex. I inserted myself in that scene and imagined doing those things with one of my friends. The high I got while fapping to it was so much that I ended up fapping two more times that day to that scene. After some days, I began dabbling in anal masturbation again where I would watch porn and imagine myself as the woman in the porn and fantasise about doing those things with my friend. In real life, I am not attracted to any man and have never been attracted to any men in my entire life, let alone this friend of mine. Still whenever I used to dabble in anal masturbation alongwith porn, I used to fantasise myself as the woman in the porn doing those things with my friend. This is when I realised something was wrong. I did some research and stumbled upon NoFap sometime in mid-March. I read about people experiencing similar things and people advising them to go on the 90 day reboot. So even I decided to go for it. The first time I tried the reboot, just after 2 days, I started getting heterosexual fantasies again, and there were no sissy fantasies/ fetishes. I was glad but then I returned to watching porn again ( a mistake). A few days into watching porn and I again started getting these sissy fetishes. Again I went for a reboot and again after 3-4 days I was back to normal. Then again after 1-2 days I went back to watching porn ( again a mistake). When the sissy fetishes again started appearing after a week or so, I decided that this time, I am gonna take my reboot seriously and complete the full 90 day reboot. From then on till date, I have been trying going on reboot but the maximum I have been able to go without fapping and watching porn is 7-8 days. And in the past 1-2 months (ever since my weird OCD started, which I have detailed below), I have noticed that I relapse generally to sissy fetish. This strange OCD issue is kinda fanning my sissy fetish even more.

Spoiler: MY WEIRD OCD

Something happened a few months back, precisely in August which gave birth to this OCD of mine. I constantly overthink that I won’t find women physically attractive. This causes me to check out photos of women all the time to see if I still find them physically attractive. The moment I find them attractive, my OCD attacks me and tries telling me “How could you get attracted to them?”, “What is attractive about them?”, "They have a feminine frame compared to men so how can you get attracted?" etc. At that moment I seem to lose interest. Sounds weird right? But for a fact, I am facing this. It causes me extreme frustration sometimes. Earlier before this OCD, when I was still having sissy fetishes, I could still avoid fapping to my sissy fetishes by fapping to pics of women. But now, I am unable to do so and this causes me to go back to my sissy fetish to get off. I know this might sound weird but I am facing this.

And this above OCD is also causing me to resort to watching porn and fapping multiple times a day. For the past 2 months, I have been exclusively fapping to sissy fetish and pornography (where I imagine myself as the woman) multiple times a day. This is really affecting my studies and not allowing me to pursue any activities of personal interest. And now in a few weeks, I have some exams coming up, so I was thinking whether I should wait till my exams get over and then go on a fresh streak. But really, tbh this shit is messing me up. I am realizing that I am delving deeper into this pit, and I don’t want to lose myself.

I have always been exclusively attracted to women, and I still am. While walking down the streets, I always checkout women, never men. Even today, I have crushes on girls.

Sorry for such a long post. But its just that I am fed up of this shit and it is making me wanting to scream out and cry for help. I just don’t know what to do now. I am in a constant battle everyday. I want to get back to normalcy and want to live my life to the fullest, happily, get into a relationship and marry a woman someday. I want to desperately get out of this twisted mess. Please help!!!

 

@Roady @modernstore99 Thanks for replying. Will surely checkout the journal and the links you have provided . And would be starting an all-out reboot pretty soon.

 

@Ashen One Thanks for replying. Will surely check it out.

 

@Foxhole @Mr.Anderson @turkeysammich Thanks for replying. Just started my reboot. And I'm determined to beat this. We will surely get through this

 

@Foxhole Have never watched S-Porn till date. Neither gay porn. It was that one particular lesbian scene which started these sissy fantasies. Right after that, began dabbling in AM alongwith watching straight porn and this particular lesbian porn scene, imagining myself as the woman in porn. And now for the past 3 months, I have been exclusively fantasizing myself as the woman in porn and fap. But now I am more than determined to end this. This needs to stop, and I am gonna beat this.

 

Even in my case, my OCD is affecting me. I relapsed just today after only 4 days of No PMO. In my case my OCD is that whenever I scroll through social media or when I watch TV and see some hot girl, I get attracted and excited but the very next moment, my brain tells me that I cannot find her physically attractive, how can I get attracted to a woman and that they are so bland etc. At that very moment, I lose attraction. I also have this OCD where if I fantasize having sex with a woman, my brain starts telling me that it's wrong to have sex with her, that I shouldn't have sex with her etc. This is something which I guess is empowering my sissy fetish to an extent. Earlier this year, when my sissy fetish started, I never had this particular OCD. I would still get aroused, excited and attracted looking at hot women. Even when I would be on reboots, I would always get aroused watching women while browsing through social media or while watching a movie etc. Hell I would even start getting heterosexual fantasies after 2-3 days of reboot. So even when I did happen to relapse, it would always be to vanilla porn or pics of hot women or to heterosexual fantasies. But now ever since this particular OCD of mine has started two months back, this is not the case. Every time I fap, its always to this sissy fetish, imagining myself as the woman in porn. Even if I relapse, I happen to relapse to sissy fetish, not pics of hot women. Even today when I relapsed, I relapsed to this sissy fetish by watching vanilla porn. Earlier during relapses, I would fap watching vanilla porn and watching the woman in the porn. But now, I imagine myself as the woman in the porn and fap. There are no heterosexual fantasies, all thanks to this stupid OCD. I don't know how to deal with this OCD now. Maybe NoFap might deal with this sissy fetish and reset my brain back to normal but what about this OCD? Would that go away with NoFap? If it doesn't, I am afraid it would never eliminate this sissy fetish. Can anyone help me regarding this? It's getting so frustrating I just don't know what to do about this .

Sorry if I triggered someone by accident.

 

No self worth issues. I think it is the result of a lot of porn watching over the years + my weird OCD which I mentioned above which is causing this. I have also noticed that nowadays whenever I try going on a reboot, 3-4 days into my reboot and I kind of start having anxiety issues and I get these random thoughts repetitively about some of my childhood events where I sort of got bullied. This is another kind of OCD which I face whenever I am 3-4 days into my reboot. This results in low confidence and also I tend to relapse coz whenever any of my OCD issues arise, I start getting urges. So right now, I am battling two issues - my OCD and my weird fetish.

 

Even I have been facing HOCD to some extent.