What can a partner do to help

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Sadgirl, Jul 8, 2017.

  1. Drew140

    Drew140 Guest

    You have a right to be angry
     
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  2. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, there is no way you could give the fantasy one time and the need, that craving, would be fulfilled forever. After that would be another one, another and another, if partner would really try somehow to fit into the fantasy world. There is absolutely no bottom how low it could go if SO of addicted man/woman or addict by himself won't stop it.
    If you, as a partner of addict would fall into that you'd pretty fast realize that there is no bottom at all, this rabbit hole has NO bottom for PA.
     
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  3. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    @msmc323 Haven't heard from you in a while. I hope all is ok!
     
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  4. msmc323

    msmc323 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much! Yes I'm doing great! I hope all is well with you.
    I haven't asked my wife if she would like to talk to you. I feel bad about that but I'm getting the sense from talking with her that she's trying hard not to think about what I've done.
    She's dealing with my cheating not just my porn addiction. I've asked if she wants to talk with my therapist and she declined.
    But if anything changes I would certainly have her talk with you.
    So how are you? How has the last week been for you?
     
  5. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    ummm.... I hesitate even to post here. it feels like very dangerous ground to me.

    but I really, really, really appreciate that you and many other SOs share here how badly your husband's/bf's PMO addiction has hurt you. Fundamentally we don't "get" it easily - it is so easy to rationalize that we aren't really cheating, that we aren't really being unfaithful. Which is complete bullshit. But we need to have those walls bulldozed and dynamited down. and beginning to understand how real and visceral your pain is does that.

    Reading your stories - and beginning to feel (probably only a small fraction) your pain. to see and "hear" the hurt - the damaged self-esteem, the lying, the breach of trust - Us PMO fogged and brain-screwed guys need to feel that.

    I'm truly sorry for your pain and hurt. I'm sorry that I have inflicted that on my wife. it's messed up that your pain can help us, when we caused the pain. that's all upside and backwards.
     
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  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    @phuck-porn!
    I put it to my SO like this after his last relapse

    TRIGGER!!!!

    How would you like it if after years you discovered I wasn't sleeping with you because I was watching big black Ds?
    And six pack guys for 5hours a day?
    Huh?
    *He stared at me. *
    How inferior would you feel??
    ... You don't look like that?
    What if it was only gay guys.... I only wanted two of everything?
    I was totally exhausted.
    Screw you, I only wanted myself.
    No?
    That's not a picture you like.
    (he was mad)
    Well I don't like knowing that after 6 hours at work you came home and couldn't put out because you were staring at all those bodies not looking like me.
    You robbed me.
    Hours, days. Sex.
    Intimacy.
    Love.
    For what?
    If you wouldn't have stood for it if the script was flipped, then what do you expect me to do about it?
    I haven't even mentioned my vibe and your that pissed about the porn I discribed?
    Cuz it's frequent?
    And not you?
    Huh?
    Yeah.
    I'd be untouchable.
    I don't even want to hear it. - -

    - I'm pretty sure that's close to verbatim

    Yeah... He didn't even want me watching P like he was. He knew it was going to take sex away from him.
    So yeah... Cheating
     
  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Oh and I'm saying Thank you for your post, btw.... In case you missed it :)
    @phuck-porn!
     
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  8. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    I'm glad you clarified @Jolie ... I wasn't sure... :)

    the last thing I want to do is add to your pain by seeming to make excuses for our behavior. there is no excuse. I only wanted to say that your stories, as painful as they are, help us develop some much needed empathy that cracks the selfish, immature, BS barriers many of us erected. it's awful how little we (PAs) empathize. I never thought I would be that person.
     
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  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I wonder sometimes if it's only about half of you guys... Lol
    The other half, still struggling with the empathy thing, haha
     
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