What happened to me? Please help!

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Steel03lo, Dec 3, 2019 at 1:00 PM.

  1. Steel03lo

    Steel03lo New Fapstronaut

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    At 23 years old I just sadly realized something bad happened to me when I was younger. I have severe anxiety that I didn’t always have. I just realized it’s been my anxiety causing me all of the pain and discomfort all of these years. I don’t remember having anxiety until I was in the second grade. Since I was so young I didn’t even know it was anxiety. But before that there was no anxiety. There is no off for my anxiety it is in full rage mode all the time and I have to constantly fight it. It causes me a lot of pain and discomfort. I went to see doctors and even to the emergency room because of the pain and discomfort my anxiety caused me at a young age. Since I didn’t know what anxiety was and the doctors couldn’t find anything they just gave me pain medication.
    The worst part is that I have severe social anxiety. My anxiety is bad even when I’m around family at times. Everyone always says I’m “just quiet, anti-social, or shy”. When it’s always been my anxiety.
    My anxiety is the worst towards girls. It was not always this way. When I was young I had girls that I was close friends with and there was no anxiety. Now I get a sick/bad feeling when interacting with girls lots of times. Girls always took it as I didn’t like them but it was my anxiety acting up. I actually feel like girls don’t like me and that they don’t want to talk to me, so I limit my interactions with them. I feel like if I were to go up to a girl she would say something very mean or nasty to me all the time. I’d think about going up to a girl, but it was like she’s just going to look at me crazy or say something mean to me. And this was every girl and all the time. That didn’t turn out well for me at all. Once I got to the age where I would have liked to talk to girls and date them my anxiety wouldn’t allow it. And again it was not always this way for me.
    I keep asking myself what happened for me to end up like this.
    Since I felt girls wouldn’t like me I got hooked to porn for sex and excitement in my life. Once I really wanted to have sex I turned to prostitutes. I lost my virginity to prostitute in a crappy motel. Prostitutes were the only way I interacted with women sexually until I got caught and arrested for it. Even with prostitutes I was still in pain and discomfort. I pretty much masturbated daily for nearly 8 years. It was like porn was the thing that took all the bs away. Porn was the only time I really felt good and there was no anxiety. I got deeper and deeper into porn until I got addicted to crossdresser porn. That sadly led me to having sex with men dressed as women and me even playing the role of the woman at times. I sadly performed foot porn stuff with guys dressed because of my foot fetish. I was watching foot porn for hours daily. I seriously regret all of this and it makes me sick to my stomach. In my mind it was like this is the closest thing I can get to an actual woman without paying and risking jail time. My anxiety towards all girls is just that bad.
    I have no friends at all. Everyone always thought I was shy or anti-social. But it was just my anxiety.
    At 23 I’ve never been on a date and I just asked a girl out for the first time in my life. Even then while talking to her my anxiety was in full rage mode. I was sweating, my heart was pounding and I had this bad feeling on the inside.
    What’s even worse is now I think I might be gay. I think I’m attracted to guys but I don’t want to have sex with them. In school I don’t remember finding guys attractive. I didn’t have any close friends that were girls because of my anxiety towards them. I think about having sex with a guy and it never feels right. I think about being in a relationship with a guy and it never feels right. My porn addiction started with foot porn since I have a foot fetish and now I’m at gay porn. I remember finding guy on guy porn disgusting. But now it’s all crossdresser and tranny porn. I’m constantly watching guys get pounded by trannies and getting turned on by it. Or I’m watching guys dressed as women have sex with men. I’ve never been interested in guys sexually only girls. Am I in denial or is my mind messed up? I’ve spent the bulk of my time around guys because I feel little to no anxiety around them. I’ve never had any romantic or sexual feelings towards guys though. It’s like I never stood a chance with girls. I want to be with girls but now I’m so messed up I don’t know anymore. If you read all of that thanks. If you reply I truly do appreciate it. I’m as lost as I’ve been in my life. I just have no one to go to. I’m trying to quit porn but it feels like that is all I have that’s good in my life. Thanks again.
     
    dboy18 likes this.
  2. L'empereur

    L'empereur Fapstronaut

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    You are not alone .

    Look for things that make you happy in life.

    Anxiety is not worth it.

    Much love .
     
  3. cleanliving81

    cleanliving81 Fapstronaut

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    YOU NEED TO DROP THAT LABEL YOUR A HUMAN BEING NOT HUMAN PERFECTION DONT BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF, Tell me how on earth would labeling yourself as messed up HELP ? answer , it keeps you in the victim mode . You cant find love if you dont love yourself that means excepting all of YOU the good and the bad . stay strong
     
  4. porsche4life

    porsche4life Fapstronaut

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    Porn producers and whoever is pushing this crap should go to jail for life, so many people's lives are ruined because of it. And the worst part is that most of us get addicted as children and only when we grow up to the effects hit us. You can recover man just stay away from this crap.
     
    Wugazi32 likes this.
  5. Souvent08

    Souvent08 Fapstronaut

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    Hey, it seems that you are realizing that your life is not heading to where you want it. That’s something that alot of people don’t realize at your age. Your brain is still developing... you are still maturing. It will be difficult but you can start the journey to a life where you are in control.
    Thank you for sharing your experience. I think that helps people and it helps me realize that I am doing the right thing by staying away from PMO. I invite you to do the same. Just be nice and kind to yourself! I don’t know much about anxiety and I’m sorry you are going through that. Let me ask you one question though, do you love yourself? Why or why not? If you dont then it’s a good time to start loving yourself for who you are.
     

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