Where do I begin...

Hey guys, first timer here. I've been working through some serious healing over the months and I hope to shed some encouragement.

My names Andy- husband, dad, tattoo artist (14yrs and counting). I've lived an interesting life. I've met interesting people, been in interesting relationships LOL. My life was never dull...hell yea stressful at times, But never complacent.

I've struggled with generalized anxiety disorder for most of my natural life though. It was a matter of time that I would fall into porn after having my heart broken more times than I cared for back when I was about 21. I originally started with MO in my mid teens, and 5 years later it went out of control to where I would hole myself up indoors. I didn't have to deal with bullshit drama and pain, I could get my fix and 'feel better'. Move on with my day and forget what had happened with my past breakups, (4 in that one special year) and the family I once knew falling apart at that moment in my life. I was a shit smear. That was back in '98/99.

Yesterday was pivotal for me. My kryptonite is validation. Asking peers, coaches anyone 'how I'm doing'. looking for approval. I really think that my PMO habit was an artificial outlet to feel validated, comforted. I tried nofap last fall coupled with counselling but fell in the same old routine. I maybe went 6 days. But this time around I really feel my mind is committed to it this time. It's been a short streak right now but this has been pretty awesome. No urges, no need for artificial validation, no wanks, no touchies. when I feel that loneliness that would come up with my past nofap experiences this is a great opportunity for me to really practice self worth. I was using PMO as a subconscious bandaid for my loneliness, and not using that time as a way to really develop a stronger sense of self.

I've talked with my wife about this the other night and she's always been supportive of me in whatever choice I made. We used to porn it together so she was never opposed with it either way. But I told her my reason for avoiding PMO this time around and she gave me the biggest hug. It was the 'I'm so proud you're wanting to do this you really need this for yourself' kind of hug. Lol actually I'm almost welling up now. Keep it together Andy lol.

 

Thanks for the insight Septimus.! The burn your boats metaphor is spot on. I actually made the attempt to leave my cell at home today instead of bring it to work. It makes it harder for temptations to happen ie: erotic material or snoop on craigslist posts when I'm on the shop computer. THAT was a talk I had with my wife and it was quite liberating to open up about it. Plus (in theory) my leaving my cell behind will help me be a bit more productive than how I have been. in theory. lol.

My wife's pretty great and unusually tolerant by wifey (and job) standards. A lot of people get wide-eyed when they find out that my wife is also an Anglican (Episcopalian) reverend. She hasn't looked at porn in years either. Since our son was born she's lost the interest to look at the stuff. But I'll never find a more supportive, self assured, headstrong and caring reverend and friend a Buddhist tattooist could have. since I've been going through our journey together our sexual frequency has at least quadrupled from where we were when we even dated.! talk about the perfect 'walking into a bar' joke eh lol. She'll ask me if I've had any 'plum sauce' a few days during the week - it's our code for my looking at porn. we have a 4 year old at home so sometimes being cryptic is a good practice to follow in case one of us makes a gaffe by accident. lol. Thank you for the advice Septimus. very much appreciated.!

 

Hey D.J,
Really good.! Staying positive. Alas I broke my 14day streak last Sunday, it was painful. And I mean in the physical sense. That MO was NOT FUN.

I'm 5 days now, urges hit but do so less and less as I retry. I will say I'm at a place I've never been since I was 16. Turning 40 this year. My wife and I had sexual play with O and then the ugly MO 5 days later. Caved in once in 2 weeks! The intimacy I felt good after. The solo relapse, not so much. I'm gonna kill it this time.

I mean I have to. Lol crazy year to live in. A year ago I struggled socially and sex (including intimacy) with wife was once every 2 months since our son was born. These last few months on the nofap journey once every 2-ish weeks. That's progress! I had lost a lot of trust in people I had been close to. I would vent on my S.O FOR HOURS...she would be exhausted between her work, being a mom and dealing with my anxiety. I would wake up each morning stressed some days. I was in a heartbroken state...although married to a loving and supportive wife I felt...alone. Unhappy in myself, like people only really liked me so much as they 'tolerated' me. I have generalized anxiety disorder. I go to counselling. I go to a meditation group. I lift heavy ass things. I laugh and joke with my son.. It didn't help I was under the scrutiny and thumb of my employer always afraid of losing my job. Getting shamed, feeling like a screw-up.

This year since I've been 'fighting the good fight'. I would have never done this a year ago but I'm planning to leave and start my own shop! I've been tattooing for 14 years now, never thought I had the cahones to do this. But here I am, with at least a dozen amazing friends and colleagues and a proud wife and family who believe in me and are excited to support and help in this venture. I organized a meetup last week. The following day we hosted my son's 4th bday party. I'm socializing, I'm making friends, alliances, doing the work internally and professionally. My wife and I are closer than we have ever been. Lol I'm just finishing my workout downstairs and she came down so we can watch a movie together (pride and Prejudice). The couch cuddle post workout will be nice. ❤️ I have to nofap. It's opened up doors that I had been afraid to open for YEARS. Never thought I was good enough or had enough confidence to venture on my own. I'm pretty proud of myself. It's good to be able to build new friendships and my self confidence again.