why am I like that? please help.

(hope there are no triggers ...)

I relapsed yesterday and did it again today. Of course I felt and still feel bad. But I really don't feel like I wouldn't do it again tomorrow. My longest streak was 13 days, I noticed some minor positive changes (especially compared to today....), but focusing on them doesn't seem to be working anymore I kept rationalizing and gave in eventually.

Here's my trap: It's an online penis comparison website. The thing is, there's barely anyone in my life complementing me on my looks in general, actually I feel kind of ugly. However, I have a rather big penis (which no one ever saw in reality; I'm a virgin) and receiving all those shallow, meaningless compliments from strangers seems to make me feel a lot better. Yesterday I tried to delete my account "afterwards", but I logged in again today. More compliments, but even more guilt after it.

This feeling, or rather the prospect of getting compliments - it just creeps up on me. I don't know how to control it. I know I have to aim for the long-term effects of NoFap, that I rationalize before fapping, that I should do ANYTHING possible that I won't fap. However, if I'm in, my mind just masks evering out that's in its way ...

I really hate myself right now, it kept me up all night. I don't have any clue how to escape this viscious circle. I'm trying meditation, I read a lot of posts on /r/nofap, I had day counters, I took cold showers.

Please help