why am I like that? please help.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by passenger, Mar 24, 2014.

  1. passenger

    passenger New Fapstronaut

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    (hope there are no triggers ...)

    I relapsed yesterday and did it again today. Of course I felt and still feel bad. But I really don't feel like I wouldn't do it again tomorrow. My longest streak was 13 days, I noticed some minor positive changes (especially compared to today....), but focusing on them doesn't seem to be working anymore :( I kept rationalizing and gave in eventually.

    Here's my trap: It's an online penis comparison website. The thing is, there's barely anyone in my life complementing me on my looks in general, actually I feel kind of ugly. However, I have a rather big penis (which no one ever saw in reality; I'm a virgin) and receiving all those shallow, meaningless compliments from strangers seems to make me feel a lot better. Yesterday I tried to delete my account "afterwards", but I logged in again today. More compliments, but even more guilt after it.

    This feeling, or rather the prospect of getting compliments - it just creeps up on me. I don't know how to control it. I know I have to aim for the long-term effects of NoFap, that I rationalize before fapping, that I should do ANYTHING possible that I won't fap. However, if I'm in, my mind just masks evering out that's in its way ...

    I really hate myself right now, it kept me up all night. I don't have any clue how to escape this viscious circle. I'm trying meditation, I read a lot of posts on /r/nofap, I had day counters, I took cold showers.

    Please help :(
     
  2. Clive

    Clive Fapstronaut

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    Have you thought about installing blocking software such as K9, just to get you started? I don't think filters are the end-all-be-all, but they can provide a little bit of respite to help you get on track.

    If you can get a friend to set a password to block access to P sites, great. If you keep control you can at least have the blocked page pop-up to give you one last chance to turn away before entering your password.

    Just a thought.
     

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