Why Can't I Stop?

Interesting metaphor. I read, "Brain Hacks" from this site and replaced the word lazy with recovering my mind. When I stopped smoking I did absolutely nothing. I worked up to it. Made it down to less than 5 smokes a day. Then to 1 or 2 but I had to get that 24 hours. I couldn't even play a game without thinking about a smoke. I still think about one. Off the subject. Read, "Brain Hacks" it was to the right of the page when I logged into the site. Free download.

All addictions have their similarities. Society seems to be a huge factor in determining what's a good or bad addiction. They don't have treatment centers for smokers but for anyone that has stopped or wants to; I bet they would agree it might have been helpful. Additionally, we wouldn't put a heroin addict with a smoker nor an over eater with a smoker but they are both addictions. Addictions that do kill!

Personally I think pmo is a silent killer. More responsible for suicides, emotional, and/or mental health problems. Sex is no longer a main topic of discussion. S. Freud has been pushed into the bedroom closet and locked away. Maybe with good reason. Society isn't able to deal with every ones sexual individuality. They do have some groups like Sex Addicts Anonymous (S.A.A.) or Love Addicts Anonymous (L.A.A.). Honestly if you have a choice do you go to an Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) meeting or S.A.A. meeting. I'm guessing it's easier to walk in and out of A.A then S.A.A.

It's a really tough social issue to say one has a problem with pmo or sex.

With that said it's still our problem to deal with and how we deal with it is not easy. This addiction doesn't get left at the bar, streets, or smokes behind a cash register. This addiction actual sleeps with us at night. I wake up every dam morning with my dick. No one can really tell if I pmo'ed today or not. Over a course of time I think people get the idea. When I isolate and don't have people over. It becomes obvious to some degree. It comes down to our core, "Free Will". Is it my choice to not pmo today? Sometimes I honestly must say it is out of my control. I am a sexual being and I have to surrender to that fact.

If I was going to wright a plan to stop. Journaling on this site for 90 days would be a start or longer. Then identify triggers. After that it's game on! Hit and miss but keeping it at a conscious level. Like putting your self on the scale every day. It's to easy to forget that this is a problem. For over 8 years I said I was an alcoholic. Almost every day. 3 to 5 of those years were unconscious. I got lost in that identity. New addictions formed and knocked me down as I became aware of them.

Who knows what the right answer? Some of it could be luck. In combination with hard work. Time is an issue. If I was going to die in 5 years or less. I would go buy a pack of smokes. Sounds crazy to work so hard for something that we are willing to have on our death beds. Who doesn't want to pmo before they die?

Long ramble on the subject. Later.

 

I think I understand the day-by-day-approach now and I consider it as a very promising approach.
"I want to beat my previous best" "I want to make 90 days this time" "or at least 30" - such are all good plans and I second big goals and long term visions but the problem is, each time I make such a promise I want to proof something and my ego is involved. But the ego tends to underestimate obstacles like the own weaknesses. What's more when I make such a plan it feels like I already would have achieved something.

So additional to "the big picture" of goals and vision a every day reminder might be good.

Since the beginning of the week I say a "NoFap prayer" every morning - and I'm not even religious. I just think it's good to have a refresher in form of a short self-talk every day to remind myself that I'm in the Reboot and why it's important to watch out.
Logging in to the forum hasn't that effect for me at all. (It would be difficult to explain why)

As @zathura I'm also struggling with things like procrastination and to track some of my habits daily is a very powerful method. Therefor it's very important for me that I do my prayer and track my habits daily for a long period of time. Even if I don't do much (or relapse), tracking alone helps me to keep the process going.
My smartphone asks me every day twice if I filled in my schedule. For me that's much better than a diary or a journal.

 

First I want to thank both @zathura and @CaptinCaveMan for your insightful posts and sharing your views and story. You've made rare and to-the-point remarks about the nature of the addiction and how it really is rooted in our lives and consciousness that really talk to me on a deeper level.

Trying to stop the freight train with a toy car would provide the exact result one would expect, without even knowing about the nature of the freight train. One massive thing moving forward and crushing the little efforts we're only able to oppose it at this time. But there are so many ways that freight train can stop its destructive journey. Run out of fuel. Run out of driving personnel. Climb a mountain. Derail. Face a hurricane wind.

(And Superman. Ok maybe this one is not gonna happen, but still.)

Maybe you don't see where I'm going with this, but let me explain a little.

You've talked about the laws of motion and it's a fantastic opportunity to examine what we're dealing with here. The massive force that keeps rollin over our little attempts to stop it even though we've mustered courage and knowledge and tricks, and still it manages to pass. This massive force is exactly as the puck with its own air jets - its current motion will generate its future motion - its power comes from the power it already has and that will continue generating the conditions of its own existence. That's because its built-in and we're the prey as much as we are the predator.

Its motion comes from years of us unknowingly pushing it to get to cruising speed, where it thrives and had our brains believe this was the right thing to do (even though for just the next few minutes/hours). It is self-sustaining (by tricking us into using it). Trying to let it slow down by itself (let alone being sure that no relapse along the way wouldn't speed it up) sounds lengthy. This is a considerable patience effort, and like @CaptinCaveMan said (a bit differently I admit) who's got time for that until they see the problem gone this way? If this was the only way, I'd be the first to go "Fuck it, I'm done, I won't strugglefor the next 25 years in hope for some change in my life when I reach the age 60."

Hopefully there are other ways, which aren't the first thing you notice when this big fat train is rushing towards you.

Like I mentioned before :

1. It needs a driver. We can stop being the driver. Failing to provide it with power (going NoFap) is one thing, and it's probably the best first sane idea to have.
2. Also, it needs fuel to sustain it's speed. Basically, whatever activates our hijacked reproduction reward system (any triggering imagery/thought) is fuel. Its needs to die of thirst, and depriving it of stimulation will accomplish this.
3. Also, it needs a railway. The railway is the life that we've obediently built around that habit. We can change the way we live and think and feel, adding new habits new people new interests new activities new thoughts, making the rails bumpy and uneven and wavy, that'll slow the shit out of it.
4. Finally, it needs to have no opposing force. Our will to change is one thing, and a crucial one, but remember that train has managed to control us for extended period of times. Can we trust ourselves only? Why not add some hurricane wind confronting its motion, in the form of a strong community, a tolerant significant other, supportive friends, and open ourselves to them on the problem we have, and let them help us generate this hurricane wind.

That will end up crippling the freight train. Leaving it stranded, driverless, fuelless, on bumpy rails, faced with a gale and with no motion of its own, while we walk away to something that we've come to forget : a PMO-free life.

Toot-toot.

 

It is very peculiar, that moment of weakness when you succumb to your compulsion even though every part of your logical brain knows it's wrong. I had of those recently (not totally caving in & MOing, but peaking and going to some P subs). The drive is so overwhelming in the moment it is hard to believe. It helps a lot if I can implement a good interruption quickly - anything that will quickly re-direct my mind.

 

Thanks for your kind words, I really appreciate it, especially when I feel that what I'm contributing is of help to someone in the community.

I think you pretty much nailed in with these few words! You know all these posts saying we should do cold showers, do some exercise, get out of our comfort zone? Well they're all absolutely right, but they fail to mention (or deliberately ommit) that the true benefit of each of these actions is to muster energy/courage/strength and do some kind of effort. Any kind. The smallest one. That's what builds up our chance to outsmart this thing.

As for the extra angles of perspective - someone that was way smarter than me once said something like (can't actually recall the quote, that's how fucking smart I am haha) : When confronted with a problem you have never been able to solve, change your point of view."

 

I agree. Watching porn is a symptom of laziness and excuses and shows a lack of willpower or self-organization.
So urges are actually cues that say you need to change something / do something / think really hard.

 

I disagree that watching porn is a symptom of laziness and excuses and shows a lack of will power or self-organization.

If your not addicted to pmo then one would be being lazy for a day or two but people are laid up for hours each and every day on pmo. Other people see pmo as being lazy and/or a lack of willpower. Make no mistake that's the consequences of pmo. That kind of thinking is not solution and leads to depression.

Imagine telling your self every time after you pmo that you are a lack willpower, your lazy, and your hiding in excuses. What's the solution from that kind of self talk? In my opinion it seems harsh and/or abusive. Which seem to create a situation to repeat more pmo behavior. That doesn't mean we aren't held responsible for our action but I've been punished enough in this life time by addictions. When I push the panic button on the site it never tells me I'm a lazy person that lacks willpower! It gives me positive, motivational solutions.

I don't mean to come across as harsh. It's just I don't see your statement being helpful or true.

Enjoy your day and if that works for you. Don't let my words stand in your way.

 

The fact that we males have a powerful, instinctive sex drive must come into play with sex addition. Our sex drive comes in part from the amygdala, a primitive part of the brain that works counter to logical thinking. It's job is to drive you to do something, even if it means overpowering your logic. It might make one of our ancestors forgo securing his meal for the day in favor of getting it on with a saucy cavewoman he ran into. I feel like this is happening when I cant fight the urge.

 

@CaptinCaveMan please let me set it right:
I didn't want to say that porn-addicts are lazy people or that a lack of willpower is the source of porn addiction. I was speaking for myself as a recovering addict: those weak moments when I'm tired, unmotivated or as a matter of fact lazy those are the moments when I'm most vulnerable to urges and porn.
Therefor in many scenarios when I have urges to watch porn or when I find myself already consuming SUBS it's not just about urges and relapse-prevention, it's also about how I spend my time.
My conclusion is that instead of only reacting to the imminent relapse with short term actions I should maybe just reorganize myself. Especially when I was working when the urges came but in a inefficient way.

I agree with you that self-talk is very important. It shouldn't be accusing nor excusing but rather positive and motivational. I also use writing for purposive self-talk (a kind of affirmation) because changing one's thinking patterns isn't so easy.

 

I understand, it's all good. It's just for myself. Especially at this time in my recovery. I'm not doing much of anything. I'm sick. Sick people stay in bed or do what every they need to do in order to get better. The word 'lazy' never comes up if a person has a cold, the flu, and/or even cancer they are sick.

So I guess the thought process for me is somewhat different than your self. Calling myself lazy or any names might be a trigger for me to pmo. Then again humiliation was part of my problem. It wasn't always that way. It just seemed to progress into that.

Take it easy on your self.

 

Even the most motivated people have lazy moments. We all go through times when we're tired or frustrated, and the clarity we had at one moment is gone. I do think there are ways to head this off though. The times when you are feeling a little fried, or depressed try to do something constructive, like get some exercise or some fresh air. If your really tired, get some sleep, if that's an option.