Would we have even stayed together without the addiction? Questioning everything.

From a husband much like yours, I'm so sorry. And that is not near of a term that can ever fix anything. I confessed my addictions to my wife 3 years ago. We have 3 children and have managed to stay together. She loves me but sex is off the table. I can't blame her. Why would I want to have sex if the roles were reversed? I have to find a new norm. Sex can not be a priority of mine. Basically I have to firgure out how to love her without sex. When sex has been a craving for 30 years, that's really hard to do. One day I hope we will be intimate again. Until then I will try to have hope.

Again. I'm sorry you are hurting. No one should ever have to go through this.

 

Me and my partner are starting fresh. No sex, kissing, hugging. He needs earn relationship privileges, I don't want him physically now. He was over 270 pmo clean until a few days ago he looked up porn after an argument. No way. That broke me. It was a choice. He made his choice and lost any form of trust he was building up over the last 7 months. He had hurt me in so many ways, he doesn't deserve my company or body. He earns the right. He lost all that. He lied for two months the first time then seven months clean and he looks up porn, now it's time for him to get his shit together or he can fuck off. Be strong!!!! He needs to want to change and you need to take care of yourself, don't let him drag you down. I'm a recovered web cam girl, I know the feeling so he can't bullshit me. You need boundaries. Trust is earned! Good luck!

 

Wow. You really sound like my wife. But in a good way.

She is huge on trust. I destroyed all of that with 13 years of porn, escorts, and a few affairs. I do not say that lightly. Yet somehow she managed to keep me around. Maybe it's the kids, maybe she sees hope. I don't know.

Now that my performance is less than desirable in bed, she is blaming it all on my behavior and rightful so. I have to start all over and make her the priority NOT our sex life. I just have to balance the hope of a healthy relationship and possible sex again one day with the reality that we have never have sex again. It's hard.

I hope you have a good start to your week.

 

While you're right to be indignant about your husband's infidelity, I'm getting a vibe from your post that you harbor a degree of resentment toward the women as well. It's important to remember that many of the women in porn are from broken families, victims of trafficking, etc. Although it may seem difficult, forgiving them in whatever capacity you can may help you to recover confidence about the viability of your marriage going forward - which is the only time frame worth really caring about.

Secondly, it is generally my understanding that the primary titillation of an affair in the conventional sense is the edginess or adrenaline rush of its being clandestine/taboo, with the sensual dimension being an afterthought of sorts. Now that his addiction is brought to light, the former attraction of the secretive has been exposed as the sheepish charade that it really is, and hopefully that diminishes the appeal of porn overall. What remains to be overcome is the residual brute fact that the porn itself (as opposed to the secrecy) is a highly concentrated substitute for the sensual dimension. For that, the numerous Ted talks and other resources on this site can provide a basis for his recovery. But I want you to remember that whatever stimulation he was getting from this content is not something that you have to "compete" with or compare yourself against as a rival. It was never your job to "out perform" the porn to hold his attention, because porn is a fantasy that no real person can match up against in a fair fight. Ultimately, it's up to him to decide that your relationship offers something that depersonalized porn can never fulfill and commit to changing.

Hope this was helpful!

 

This was a really helpful comment. I always get into the same thought loops that jbird does, and i equate p with cheating too. I definitely felt like I was trying to out compete it. Thank you for your insight