Tonight marks the seventh day of my streak so far. It was so difficult today. I am happy I made it a week but it feels bittersweet because it came close so many times today. I feel absolutely drained.
@Fulton recently pointed me to this book "The Four Last Things, Death, Judgment,Hell and Heaven." It is an ancient book and it might be easy to dismiss some of the things written there as too literal, too horrible to fathom or simply outdated. However, when next tempted consider, even if just for an instant, if the following description of hell is true. "We know that there really is fire in Hell, from the words Christ spoke to the wicked : " Depart from Me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, which was prepared for the devil and his Angels " (Matt. xxv. 41). This shows that there is real fire in Hell, and that in it the damned must burn eternally. What the intensity of that pain will be it is beyond the power of man to depict. For of all the varied kinds of physical suffering to which man can be subjected, there is none so great, so cruel, so agonizing, as that which is caused by fire. The rack, the wheel, amputation of a man s limbs, are all terrible torture, but they are not to be compared to the pain of burning. If one does but touch a red-hot iron, what exquisite pain it occasions! In a moment the skin is off, the raw flesh protrudes, blood and matter exude from the wound, and the pain goes to the very marrow of our bones. One cannot refrain from crying out and screaming as if one had lost one’s senses. Now if momentary contact with the red-hot iron causes such acute pain, what would it be if one had to hold a red-hot iron for any length of time !"
Freedom is not "from" but "to." If we say we are free from the danger of hell, then we have only said what we are not, which is not incredibly helpful. If, instead, we say we are free to experience the rich life of the Kingdom because we have done the hard work to remove certain obstacles from our path, then we have only begun to plumb the wondrous depths of what the fullness of that new life might be. There is a lot of instruction to contemplate Christ's crucifixion. There is certainly some value in that. Why is there no similar instruction to meditate on his resurrection? It seems an oversight. His death opened the door, but it is his resurrection that gives us the life and strength we need to walk through it. To consider the fire of hell is a fearful thing. Fear is the beginning of wisdom. But is not its end. That can only be found in God's love, and it is there I think we most profitably focus the majority of our attention. @CPilot is my good friend. I mean him no disrespect with these comments. I just wanted to present the Good News, as no retelling of the bad news is complete without it.
You bring up a wonderful point and I find it very refreshing. I have found it helpful to consider Christ’s suffering and the cost of sin a number of times in my journey, but I find that more often that I resist temptation when I think about all I will miss out on if I act on it… that being progress and growth and getting one step closer to being the woman I know I can be. I think about how much more fruitful my relationship with God will be if I can be rid of this particular issue and then more free to focus on other areas of growth without PMO always distracting me. I was thinking for a moment that maybe some rejecting OSAS (CPilot and whoever else) may consider the fear of Hell to be a stronger motivator than someone who holds to OSAS (such as myself). I don’t ponder Hell as a possibility but rather a reminder of what I was rescued from and therefore continuing in PMO hurts my relationship with God and makes me feel the guilt of an ungrateful child (but still His child nonetheless, we simply have to be reconciled and I need discipline from Him). In other words, I think more about Hell regarding nonbelievers rather than myself. (edit: what exactly Hell is like is another topic. So many topics! ) Of course I understand where those who don’t hold to OSAS are coming from and I am not suggesting that they’re not motivated by a relationship with God (of course they are), just that fear of Hell is obviously added to the equation. I know there is further nuance in that there are some who believe one can lose their salvation every time they sin (scary thought) and those who believe one can lose their salvation only under very specific circumstances (little more assuredness there). I am also not meaning to oversimplify this or making any attempt to argue, just trying to understand how differing theology may play a role in these kinds of discussions. But regardless of whether anyone holds to OSAS or not, I believe Tao is right either way. Pondering more on the abundant life we have in Christ and the people we can shape up to be when we are free from PMO is a wonderful motivator and is perhaps healthier in the long run. With our eyes fixed on God rather than Hell, serving our community and growing as a person becomes much sweeter. It is good to think more about Who we are doing this for, rather than what we are running from. Focusing on the positive more is possible regardless of theological position. When we are tempted, let’s take a moment to remember not only Chirst taking on our sin, but the abundant life we have access to because He paid that price. He did not just die, He rose! Rejoice! We will rise with Him. He will wipe every tear away. Thank you for this reminder, Tao. I needed it this morning.
It took me a minute to discern what this meant. It is not an abbreviation I have encountered before, as far as I can recall!
Well, I am back here to say that I have unfortunately had my first reset of this year. I know exactly why, and it's the same reason I've felt so drained. I've made the battle harder on myself by entertaining those bad thoughts for too long and they have snowballed into action. I let myself be deceived into thinking I could handle these thoughts and not slip up. Very naive of me, and very sinful. I am sorry, God. By the time I had decided I would back out and turn away, it was too late. The deed was already done. I can't unsee what I saw or undo what I did, so I must reset even if it was brief moment. I can't kid myself about what I let myself get into. I want to scrub my brain clean of it all. Aside from that, I'm curious about what effect my period has on these temptations. I think I struggle more when I am nearing my menstrual cycle. I've seen some articles before that prove higher libido for women right before (and sometimes even during their period) is normal. It's all that hardwired reproductive stuff in the brain and of course hormones. This is something I need to keep a closer eye on moving forward. It's no excuse, but it is a unique circumstance I will have to navigate for my own journey. Right before my period, I pretty much nose dive into PMO more suddenly than any other time. I am glad I made it a week at the very least. As I've mentioned somewhere before, I usually make it half a week at most. Like, three to four days. More often just two. This is progress. Being more active on here has helped tremendously. I would have reset days ago had it not been for the encouraging posts from others here. Even so, it's not nearly a month or even the 90 day benchmark. I know exactly where I went wrong here. It's time to sober up and avoid falling into that same pit. I am not the master of this sin, it wants to master me. I can't control it or indulge in it "just enough". Why do I keep falling for those kinds of lies? Lord, I know you help me overcome this sin. But I also know that with each new day added to my streak, I am tempted to get a big head about it and think that I can control it from there. So silly to think I've got the hang of it all after just a week. It's immature of me. Please forgive me and give me the humility and strength to press on.
Well folks, the book is entitled "The Four Last Things, Death, Judgment,Hell and Heaven." In my view it is wise to consider each of these things and certainly considering Heaven is a great practice but equally we are on thin ice when we fail to consider hell. Modern secular society would have us beleive that the devil and hell don't exist but this is one of the devil's greatest deceptions. In the interest of positive motivation and balance, here is an excerpt from the same book concerning heaven: We will now turn our attention to the pleasure and gratification which the blessed will experience by means of these five senses ; and first of all we will inquire what satisfaction they will find in their sight. The power of sight will be so perfect that nothing can be hid from their eyes. They will see what is distant as distinctly as what is near, the smallest object as plainly as the largest, the dark will be to them as clear as the light Their vision will be so undimmed that they will be able to gaze without flinching at the sun, even were its light a hundredfold more dazzling. Their sight will be so keen that no obstacle will offer a hindrance to it. Now think what delight awaits thy sense of sight, when thy eyes first rest upon the glories of Heaven. First they will behold the city itself, with its palaces and mansions, whereof the splendour and majesty is so great that the contemplation of these magnificent structures would afford pleasurable employment for a whole eternity. In the second place, thou wilt gaze with delight upon the fair flowers, the trees, the gardens, and all the other beauteous sights that will arrest the eye in Heaven. Thirdly, it will be an unspeakable pleasure to thee to behold thyself and all the other Saints arrayed in beauty, glory, splendour, grace and majesty far surpassing anything seen in this world. Fourthly, thou wilt see the incomparable beauty of the Angels, for it is believed that those celestial spirits will assume bodies of great loveliness formed from the air, in order to render themselves visible to the blessed. This opinion is held by St. Anselm. And if the beauty of an Angel immeasurably exceeds all human beauty, wilt thou not rejoice in the contemplation of so many thousands of Angelic beings, all of surpassing loveliness, for all eternity? Fifthly, on nothing will thine eyes rest with such keen delight as on the inexpressible beauty of Jesus and Mary, whose glorified bodies are so irresistibly charming, attractive, beautiful and majestic, that if the damned were permitted to behold them, they would no longer find Hell intolerable.
Today is the fourth day of my streak. Usual habit has me breaking my streak at around this point, but I feel no desire today. Haven't felt anything for a bit. Each bad thought is so fleeting and is dismissed as quickly as it arrives. I thank God for these moments where the days pass by quickly and I'm free of sexual thought. I don't know why it happens sometimes, but I am grateful for it. It's a taste of what could be. I so badly want healing. I will keep my guard up and be prepared, nonetheless.
Today was an incredibly difficult day. I felt so irritable and fidgety and the temptations were so strong. I seriously wrestled for hours today. It hit me like a truck just like I knew it would. But I knew I’d feel so much worse if I caved. God gave me strength to make it another day. The feelings passed and the temptation faded. The colder weather is a nice distraction. It helps me stay more alert, too. I will have a hot cocoa and rest now that today’s battle is won. Another will come but I feel relieved for the time being.
A bittersweet feeling today. I unfortunately had a reset, a few hours away from making it to day 10. This streak was a very hard and emotionally straining battle. So much harder than other streaks in the past. 9 days is the longest I think I've made it in a long while. Maybe the longest in months? I'm not sure but that sounds right to me. I reset just to make the demanding voices of temptation stop. I know it was the wrong move, but I did it anyway. I crumbled under the weight of those attacking thoughts and all their offers. With my flesh's appetite satisfied, I have a clear head again. But that feeling of satisfaction is so quickly replaced by frustration and dejection. I could have made it at least a few more hours to mark the tenth day. And I could have made it beyond that, too. But progress is progress and I need to remind myself that this is the hardest I've fought in a long time. That's why the temptations became so much worse, because the redirection of my thoughts was working and the enemy needed to change strategies. Remember that when your flesh becomes frustrated, you are doing something right. Cling on and fight harder. PRAY harder. If I don't change now, when will I change? For how much longer can I say, "I will get it right next time."? How many "next times" have there been now? Why does it have to be next time? Why can't it be now? Why prolong the battle and make it harder for myself in the future? This addiction is not the same as it once was. Those demanding inner voices are angry and violent. Angry at ME for not resetting, for "denying myself what ought to be mine". This horrible sin wants to claim me. It's scary and hurtful. God is my comfort especially in these times. Forgive me, Father, and help me move past this loss. I know that I'm finally beginning to change, I know that my muscle of resistance is building. I will not lose hope. Let today be a fresh start, right here and right now. Take away these feeling of dejection and guilt and let me be restored with your love and with a fervent desire to do right by You. Where there was once guilt, let there now be determination. Where there was once pain, let there now be healing. Where there was once anger, let there now be compassion. Where there once was lust, let there now be true love. I want only You and Your ways, God.
Streak will reach 1 day here in a few hours. My goal for this streak is 14 days minimum, I want to make it two weeks now. Obviously, I want to make more than that, but I want to aim for that goal post so I can break my usual cycle. I just need to get over that difficult steep hill of resistance that comes around week 1.
Hit a reset after five days. Disappointed, but learning not to wallow in guilt. I have to get up and keep moving forward, same goal. Getting into a depressive state and wasting the rest of the day is not the appropriate response. Sometimes I think this would be easier if I was married so I could get my "satisfaction", but I then realize that even married people struggle with this and, beyond that, it's wrong to think of a spouse as a solution or tool rather than a fellow human being and partner. I know this is the same trap some people fall into when they have an unhealthy view of sex and think that their spouse "owes" them. I don't want to wind up being that kind of person! It's so heartbreaking how this addiction and its frustrations still lead us to dehumanize people even when not actively looking at porn. The damage runs deep, but I know better. I am loving. I know what love is. I will not let this addiction distort my view of love or use me to hurt my future husband, if I ever have one some day. I need to remember the beauty and tenderness that sexuality is meant for, instead of this sickening corruption of it I keep crawling back to.
I haven't read your full story but just want to say that I had my addiction long before being married. I thought that marriage would have solved my problem but it did not. Once married, I left porn for a while but somewhere along the lines, came back to it; probably when marriage difficulties hit. In order to gain any freedom at all, I had to discover the root causes of my acting out and begin addressing them. Hang in there!
A passage that is both convicting and comforting: Romans 13:11-14 11 And do this, understanding the present time: The hour has already come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. 12 The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. 13 Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy.14 Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh.
Que bueno versículo Le pido a Dios q me ayude a empezar de nuevo y alejarme de todo tipo de impureza que me aleja de Él Gracias por compartir..
