My situation - apologies if this turns into a long post

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I have decided to take a bit of a risk. Probably tonight, unless my wife is obviously tired, unwell or depressed. Long-term readers will remember that I asked her to write to me, telling me things she would like to try in the bedroom and that she never replied. Well I have decided to take the initiative.

Spoiler: Possible triggers

Her natural kink has always been to be tied up (from since she was a young girl) and it is not something we have done for ages - we just got out of the habit of incorporating it in our games / love making. So tonight, when I go to bed I will leave a note on her pillow telling her to report to my room and to come expecting to follow orders. (I will leave her a get-out in case she really isn't in the mood). As I'm normally happier with her taking the lead, this alone should pique her interest. If she turns up, then I will blindfold her, tie her in a helpless position, tease her until she can't take any more and then 'force her' to O. (I have the blindfold, restraints and various toys hidden in my room). After she has O'd, I will release her and suggest we cuddle and go to sleep rather than worry about an O for me. This may take a superhuman effort on my part as I will be pretty horny by then, but I want her to experience something unique and not have to worry about doing something for me as a 'chore' at the end.

Something may go wrong to derail the plan, but as I said at the start: nothing ventured, nothing gained.

ANH

 

Can I ask the women here a personal question please?

Spoiler: Potential triggers

Sometimes, when a couple make love, it finishes with fireworks, orchestral music and earth-shattering simultaneous orgasms. More often, that is not the case, and one partner finishes first. In my own case, when my wife and I make love, she will often climax before I do. (Usually better that way round as a post-orgasm penis isn't a particularly attractive or useful organ). I adore bringing her to O and then cuddling her as she gradually comes down from the peak and enjoys the afterglow and warm feelings. I love the emotional and physical closeness of those moments before during and after her O more than anything in the world and sometimes get moved to tears of pure happiness. After 5 or 10 minutes, my wife may be starting to drift off to sleep - particularly if this is one of our 'middle of the night' sessions - and then she'll say that we need to take care of my O before she falls asleep. As I probably won't have O'd in ten days and my brain will be soggy with my wife's pheromones, I am normally all too keen to accept her offer. Always at the back of my mind though, is the feeling that it is sort of spoiling the moment for her - we've just taken her to that peaceful, blissful place and her body just wants to drift off to sleep and now we are making her do a chore (OK, it's not doing the washing up or mowing the lawn, but it is still not what her body wants at that point). Then, when she has performed her magic and given me a wonderful O, I do get to just drift off to sleep afterwards, which doesn't seem fair. [My wife has never been multi-orgasmic, so her O'ing before and after me isn't an option].

So I would like to get the woman's perspective on this. Do you experience the same thing? Are there ever times when you feel you have to 'perform' after your own O when a part of you would rather just enjoy the all-over relaxation? If you can't always climax together, would it be nicer for you if your SO sometimes finished first and then took care of you? I was wondering about suggesting to my wife that we try that sometimes. It would rule out a PIV O for her, but of course there are lots of other fun options.

So ladies, I'd be really grateful for your insight. Is this ever an issue for you or am I worrying about something that no-one else really cares about?!

ANH

 

Hi @novibe ,

Thanks for sharing; I am very grateful for the insight. I didn't realise that women were secret energy vampires!!

Spoiler: Possible triggers

My wife really likes O's during intercourse too, though she can usually only achieve that with one of us giving her external stimulation at the same time. (She's better at that than me, but then she's had years of practice and gets direct feedback on what's working!) I think her ideal is the simultaneous orgasm with me inside her, which solves all the issues of 'who goes first', but needless to say, it is difficult to achieve that every time!!

From what you say, it sounds like I am probably overthinking it. Perhaps the best thing is to do is just try something different one time and see if we like it. If I O first and then fall asleep straight away leaving her high and dry then we'll know not to try it again!

Thanks again for your advice.

ANH

 

97% of the time together! Maybe I'm wrong, but that strikes me as unusual and impressive. (Dear Guiness World Records...)
Thanks, as ever, for sharing @Kenzi

ANH

 

Thanks Anna

Like your husband, I don't like to O unless my wife has too. So sometimes we do manage 'simultaneous', more often it is a case of 'ladies first' , hence my original question. As she gets older, she seems to get aroused more and more quickly and often has to stop me teasing her to avoid finishing too quickly. (I don't think it is just my getting better at it!) Conversely, as I've got older, I can still delay until she is ready, but if I delay too long it then takes me longer to rebuild, by which time she is usually way ahead of me and finishes first.

It sounds as if you and @Kenzi have both achieved really good connections with your husbands, at least during the good times.
Thanks again for sharing.

ANH

 

A quick update. We had a good day. I cooked us a meal that worked out really well and we had good family time watching a TV series we are all enjoying. When I went off to bed, I put the note on her pillow as planned. I shaved to make sure that I wasn't scratchy. I made sure that all the paraphernalia was to hand and went to sleep. (I am getting better at not getting too worked up in anticipation and reminded myself that even if all went to plan, I wouldn't be getting to O in any case). I happened to wake up at about 2:15 and could see from my room that my wife had just gone to her room to get ready for bed and so would be reading the note. 10 minutes passed and then she put out her light and went to sleep! It was hard not to feel disappointed. In my note I'd said that if she was too tired we would save it for another day, but I did expect her to be intrigued by the note and come to play. Effectively I'd said: 'I've got a surprise for you - come to my room if you're interested,' and her response was 'no, not interested.'

So I have just woken up and mentally dusted myself off. I've put the toys back in their hiding places for the day and will get them out again when I go to sleep tonight and hope that this time she has the energy and is in the mood.

It is all part of the roller-coaster of life, I guess. There is no point dwelling on it and making myself glum. Tonight might turn out exactly as I'd hoped last night would. I had planned to buy my wife some flowers this morning as a surprise and I'll still do that. Let's go for another happy family day and see what happens.

To all my good friends here, I am not expecting lots of replies to this post expressing sympathy - many of you are coping with far more challenging situations than me. But if you click on 'Like' for this post, I will interpret that as a supportive hug and a 'good luck for tonight.' and it will help put the smile back on my face. Thanks.

ANH

 

@novibe I agree entirely. I guess it is the one thing we all have in common here and the one thing that we are all having issues with of one sort or another. I think sometimes we need to heed the advice that we normally give to newly joined PAs - do other stuff, fill your time with other activities, stop focussing so much on sex and get on with life.

ANH

 

Another unexpected twist. (Roller coasters have twists as well as ups and downs). Before I went to bed, my wife said that she would like to join me later, but just for a cuddle, NOT for sex. I'm pretty sure this was her trying to talk my love language and give me the touch she knows I need, even though she wasn't in the mood for sex. So that was really good news.

I obviously shelved plan B(ondage) for the night and went to sleep without making any preparations. I woke at around 2 when she came to bed. True to her word, she wasn't dressed up in any way, meaning that she wasn't looking to make love. We cuddled up in various positions for a while, trying to find one where we could be touching but still both comfortable enough to sleep. I was aroused but doing my best to hide it. In stroking her I was trying to convey the message 'I adore you and love your body but I respect your wish not to be intimate tonight.' (If nothing else, my crazy sex life should help me develop highly eloquent hand gestures!)

After about thirty minutes my wife surprised me by initiating love-making! No details for you, but it was great and we fell asleep cuddled up afterwards
Happy days!

ANH