My situation - apologies if this turns into a long post

Fantastically beautiful, sunny autumn morning in my part of the UK. For some reason I am feeling very strong urges too. I am trying hard to focus on the beauty of nature all around me and enjoy watching the jays commuting to the big oak tree opposite to collect acorns to store for winter - rather than the mental image of waking my wife up and f*cking her until we melt into one exhausted, sweaty puddle.

Those jays really are beautiful...

ANH

 

I've woken up very horny again. I awoke straight out of a vivid dream of having sex with my wife, complete with a raging (real life) erection. I'm pleased that my subconscious is being faithful (!) but a second day of serious urges is a bit of an ordeal. It got so bad yesterday that I confessed to my wife that I was struggling not to pester her. So she knows how desperate I was/am but she chose not to initiate anything last night. That is probably for the best. Our 'only she initiates' rule is there for good historical reasons and blurring that line by my hinting about my 'needs' is not how it works. So with M for me not an option, I just have to grit my teeth and get through this.

<Deep breath> Need to throw myself into chores. Get my mind off sex and be patient.

ANH

 

Hi @EyesWideOpen ,

It wouldn't be my first choice of arrangement either but, as least for now, it is the best way we've found of coping with the fact that my sex drive is higher than hers.

When I used to initiate, it put my wife in a position when she felt pressured to have sex and I found it really hard not to show my disappointment if she said 'no'. She ended up feeling resentful of the pressure and guilty for turning me down, while I felt rejected. This made sex a sensitive, hazardous area of our relationship which was otherwise solid, and for several years we made love at most about once a month. When the pre-menopause / menopause hit, my wife's libido dropped to zero and against this background of tension over sex, she told me she never wanted to have sex with me again and insisted we sleep in separate bedrooms. She was true to her word for more than 2 years.

When her libido eventually returned, I wanted to make sure that sex never again got tarnished with those feelings of resentment and rejection, so I suggested the 'only she initiates' rule. This means that when she is feeling horny, she will initiate and we will make love. If she isn't, we won't. She has a willing, loving partner available all hours of the day and night whenever she says the word. (I think I have turned her down once in 32 years). The aim is to make sex something she has only positive feelings about that has no negative connotations. It seems to be working in that we are now making love every week to ten days, whereas, as I mentioned, prior to her menopause it had dropped to less than once a month.

So this way I have a happy wife who is having sex as often as her libido dictates. And sex is not being allowed to poison the rest of our relationship. As for me, I am not making love to her as often as I would wish but otherwise life is good. I have to cope with days such as yesterday and today when I have no outlet for my sexual urges and that is tough, but I am not going to die of horniness!

You talk of anger and resentment. I could sit around feeling sorry for myself, getting grumpy and wishing I had married a nymphomaniac, or I could go back to watching porn and having all the empty orgasms I wanted. Instead I try to remain strong and upbeat and create a happy marriage for us both in which my wife is more likely to act on any sexual urges she does have.


ANH

 

You are very generous with your praise. Thank you! If I am helping others here then that is great.
ANH

 

If I am being totally honest then no.

She knows touch is my primary language, but I still feel she rarely initiates a hug or a cuddle or even holds my hand. I am also disappointed deep down that she didn't respond to my love letter in which I asked her to write to me about her feelings and desires. I gave her the opportunity to open up to me and she chose not to. I am not sure where to take that next. It feels a bit as if you've said to your SO, 'I love you,' and then there is a deafening silence as they don't reciprocate. It feels as if pressing her to write something is going to be counter-productive. If she had felt comfortable writing back then she would have done so. If she isn't comfortable expressing herself in that way, then my hassling her about it isn't going to help.

On the other hand, I've bought her three surprise items of sexy clothing in the last 90 days and in each case she has worn them at the earliest opportunity for steamy sex!

Even after 32 years together, I can't always predict how she will react. She might have loved the letters I sent her and replied immediately but thought the outfits cheap and trashy and thrown them away without even trying them on. I do know that she values our getting away for some time together just the two of us - a weekend, or even a night - so I will try to arrange something like that when I can.

In the end, all I can do is keep trying to be the best husband I can and to understand and meet her needs to the best of my ability. I can only be responsible for my own feelings and how I choose to express them; in the end I cannot control how she feels. I hope that she loves me and will find her own ways of expressing that love.

ANH

 

An update from last night. My wife had stripped her bed during the day and washed the bedclothes. Just as I was heading off to my room for the night, she remembered that she hadn't made her bed up with new bedding. I told her that she'd be welcome to join me for the night, and when I kissed her goodnight I said - 'maybe I'll see you later.' I thought she would probably find the energy to do a quick job of making her bed - just throw on one sheet and a duvet. If she was too tired to do that, I thought she'd come and sleep with me but with no intention of making love. Given how horny I'd been feeling, I'd have to be careful not to pressure her and if all she wanted was a quick cuddle and sleep, I would have to accept that with good grace. A cuddle would be nice anyway!

She came to bed a couple of hours later. She didn't turn the light on, so I took that as a sign that she wasn't in the mood for love-making. (When she is feeling sexy, she nearly always dresses up and then she'll turn the light on to enjoy the 'shock and awe' she produces with her outfit. She got into bed next to me, in the dark, but then pulled the duvet off us both. 'Are you too hot?' I asked. 'Not yet!' she replied. I then ran my hand over her body and found that she was indeed dressed up. Hooray!

We put the lights on low so that I could appreciate her properly and made sweet, sweet love. You know sometimes how it is nice to linger for hours near the edge, allowing passions to simmer and never wanting it to end? This wasn't one of those times! This was one of those lovely times when we were totally in-tune with each other's rhythm and level of desire and slowly, but steadily, brought each other to the boil and then, while not rushing, just allowed ourselves to boil right over. For me, and I think for her, it was Goldilocks sex - not too fast, not too slow, but just right. During and after the passionate bits, there was lots of skin to skin contact, hugging, kissing, holding, savouring each other's warm body. And at the end when, while we were both still enjoying the warmth and peace of the mutual afterglow, she fell asleep in my arms.

Sweet dreams are made of this.

ANH

 

It sounds like our sex-lives are synchronised at the moment! So glad you had an amazing time too!

 

Two forces for good in the world - tantric sex and uncontrollable laughter.
Enjoy!

https://twitter.com/scottygb/status/913035429871587330/video/1

 

Wow, what a nice thing to say @SanityOverVanity ! I'm glad you think I can write at least passably - that bodes well for the novel I am just finishing!
Thanks for your kind words.

ANH

 

Thank you! @Broken3