My ex's perverted fantasies

Hey guys, I have somehting I need to get off my chest bad and I wasn't sure where to post so here it goes: long story short, my ex (for a lack of a better term) has been a toxic influence in my life for years now. Just as my other bad habits and addictions, communicating with her (especially on the internet) has become a nasty habit.

Enough backstory - now to the point. Yesterday I made the huge mistake of innocently sending her a link for a song she would like, I though. That spiraled into hours-long chat, where I wanted to cut her off but just couldn't. She then proceeded to share with me her fantasy she has right now - having a threesome with two men from the small town she lives in. You would say, people do nasty stuff, it's okay. You would say what do you care, she's not your gf or anything. I have to say I care deeply for this girl even though it's clear we are never going to have a serious intimate relationship. She calls herself a whore and believes this is the real her, which of course is nonsense, she is pretty much addicted to porn like all of us and her brain has been brainwashed by it.

Now don't get me wrong - in my heaviest PMO days I would have been much worse fantasy-wise. Problem is, she actually was thinking of doing it. As much as I got into porn and fantasies, I always knew they were just that - illusions and temptations.

So why am I sharing this? The moment she shared that perverted fantasy with me, I was not that much shocked as I really felt on an energetic level what she was considering. My gut turned to a stone and my heart felt like it was pierced. And no, I was not jealous (I am used to her talking about other men). It was the way she told me 'I want to have a threesome with these guys'. I hated her then and there. I hated myself for talking to her at all. I should have know. Now I know this isn't really her, it's the demonic little voice that always tries to lie and deceive us. That's what really hurt, seeing how she is about to darken her soul, even by thinking that, God forbid she really does it.

What is difficult here is that I am 20 days into NoFap so such images and information really work as a trigger. Becoming suddenly emotionally unstable, brief thoughts of reverting to PMO flashed in my mind. 'C'mon, give in, you will forget all about that stuff.' I know this is a trick of the mind and I won't give in, but last night and today I feel like crap. I know this is not very manly or whatever, but it's still the truth. I feel good just bringing this to light here on NoFap. I know you guys will understand. I would love some tips on how to cope with this right now or just plain support. Thank you for being here!

 

Thanks so much for the quick reply. I feel better already! I am aware of all these things of course, but hearing it from another person puts things in perspective and feeling the support and that I am not alone in this really counts. Now I am sure I am not 'bugged' and I know my heart is in the right place.

Indeed they are her fantasies but who can blame her - we've all been there and maybe that's a little bit why I got so touched - I felt I am still the same somewhere inside and although I would never really want something like this in real life, I've probably fantasized much worse than this. Anyway, you are right, that was the past when I was still hooked to PMO and all the crap that goes with it.

Yes, I tried to explain a bit what she is heading into. However, this was definitely not the first time I've tried; I've been trying for years. Seems your right. No way to make someone understand, to relate a feeling or experience that only comes from within. I should not care a bit what anyone gets himself into. Even if it's a loved one or relative, no one can 'save' another if he does not help himself. A little bit of a messianic complex on my part, I suppose.

I am well aware we come and go in this world 'alone'. I've had a clingy relationship with this girl for a long time. This is not it anymore. I do not 'need' her, like you say I still care about her. I hope I've learned my lesson, though. This has been a toxic interaction in my life for years now that constantly pulls me back. I need to get rid of it once and for all. Before my heart just wouldn't let me. Now I don't really care what my heart (or d***) says. Like with PMO, I've made a decision and I'm sticking to it.

Thanks again, stay healthy and motivated, God bless you!

 

You will see the answer in the above post, but I still want to reply by stating: NO, not this time!

She had her chance, numerous times. We always go in the same loop. She always goes back to sleeping with random, lowlife men and is then sorry for it. Then complains about it to me. Then does it again.

I am sick of it. If a person is willing to change, he will change. He will do the impossible to do it and he will do it all alone if he has to. And if he/she needs support, he can always go online like here on NoFap or just real life friends/family etc. I've felt this as a personal responsibility for too long. NO MORE!

P.S. Just like to add, for the sake of honesty, I am not on a 'perfect' streak - I masturbated yesterday in the shower (no P, definitely no PMO!!). I need to change my counter, I believe. I still did 19 days of no PMO and I plan to finish 30 days at least without P and O. Good luck to you too and stay focused!

 

Thanks, I appreciate that. It can be tough but it passes. Sharing it here really helped, too.

The feeling is the same indeed, but the situation is not. My ex is into drugs also, she is not partying so much now but still engages in all sorts of risky behavior, mostly unprotected sex with random men.
It makes my gut turn and makes me want to almost puke, that's how awful the whole story is. I hope I don't sound too negative but I don't see any positives here.

You are the second person that advices me to not give up on her, but I have to say I've had enough. See above post for details on that

 

Good for you! It seems no matter how severe the situation seems, one has to remain still and calm, just whether the storm. There are also much, much worse that can happen in one's life. I just saw a woman on the street taht was crying apparently for now reason. I can only guess what tragedy has befallen her or what her life is like. I should be more thankful and appreciative of what I have in my life right now.

Thoughts, feelings and emotions come and go like clouds in the sky. The positive things is we are the sky. Maybe I've just been drinking too much coffee these days and I feel a bit on edge. Combine that with NoFap and this crap and it all goes a little overboard. I am glad I can share it here with you all. Feel free to share anything on your mind and heart also.

I hope your friend learns her lesson and stays on the Right path, meaning Love and Light. You stay focused, too, blessings!

 

Your post is as insightful as it is reassuring. I concur on all points. I especially loved the way you phrased 'extension of you'. I honestly feel we are connected in some way, not just because we know each other for years and have been close and even intimate at one point. She is like my dark side, my fears and my weaknesses. Of course we all share this human frailty but it's astonishing how closely (but oppositely) we move on in our lives.

Of course I will not let this incident lead to a relapse. It was more of a bitter lesson in the same way she knows deep down what she is doing and still does it, I am doing exactly the same. I know this whole thing is toxic to me and I still go back to it again and again (not unlike PMO). It's another matter that being my crush for a long period, I actually fantasized about her and PMO'd on 'her'. So that makes things even more complicated and bizarre. Anyway, I will try to put all of this behind me, focus on NoFap, my proffesion, my family and friends and my personal growth. I hope I never get into such a mess again or if I somehow do, I'll be stronger and more resilient then.

P.S. We are almost on the same day count, brother! Stay strong, stay focused! ^_^

 

Hehe, you are so right! Gotta stay humble. What I meant is I will do everything in my humanly available power and with the Grace of God I hope to overcome this without relapsing to old habits.

Аlso yes, I've relapsed because of similar stuff or even less so maybe that experience helps. I am fed up with PMO, dealing with inner / outward issues by reverting to PMO etc. So I've got to try. That's all we can do.

 

Amen, brother! Well I did say I will do it. Then you said you heard that somewhere so I decided to take it down a notch. Okay, here it goes again: I will NOT give in to this trickery and return to the frame of mind that I know so well where it leads. God help us all!

 

Indeed! By 'all we can do is try' I meant we should give our all and let things take their natural course.

I am well aware P and the energies that go with it are the enemy, but Christ said: Love thy enemy.
This of course does not mean bow to PMO. What I mean this hack-and-slash attitude has done more harm than good in my case. I would like to have a loving relationship with myself and yes, my sexuality and gain motivation from there, the Eternal spring of Love. Maybe it's a question of temperament. If I put too much pressure on myself, I am sure to fail. If I just go along like you say, that it's a game, I can easily master it. Depends on the point of view, no?

I applaude your conviction but I prefer to stay humble. Meaning I am well aware I can fail at any moment. Keeps me focused I guess.

 

I wasn't talking about humans as well. Most of us here know exactly what we are dealing with. Read my post more carefully (or maybe I've not articulated well?). I meant no matter what you perceive as your enemy, Love it/him/her. Christ did not say 'Love thy human enemy'. And even though he renounces the beast at every step, He never stated that He hated him. He said people hate him, because they worship the devil and not God. There is actually a form of 'exorcism' that is done by showering the possessed person with unconditional Love, all day, every day, for a period. I don't want to go too far into this, all I can say is we have a different approach. Which is fine, of course.

Having just read a bit of your journal, I now realize why you've opted for this warlike, 'all or nothing', 'kill or be killed' approach to fighting PMO. The depth of your addiction seems much greater and the damage much more severe. Having said that, any addiction and these particular energies tend to affect everyone in very similar ways no matter how far they've 'gone'. So I will take heed and be more vigilant, thank you for that. I hope and pray your approach justifies your faith in it. I am certain we can beat this, though. One way or another. We just have to find the right path.

I have to say this seems like my only option. If this was the first, second, or tenth time, it would be fine. I would give another chance, try to become more thick-skinned and move on. This time I'm truly fed up with it. I haven't had many girlfriends but I maintain slim to none contact with most of them. As some of the other posters here have noticed, this is not just some ordinary girl for me and she isn't even really my 'ex'. We've been very close friends for years, sharing many experiences (both good and bad, but that's normal) and at one point had sex for a brief period. She even went to a mental hospital at one point but that's another story for another time. She is certainly not crazy in my book, but she is deeply troubled. Since then it's been kind of awkward of course but we both valued our friendship too much to ruin it with these episodes. My heart is the thing that bring me back to her. Like you well know, often your biggest strength is your biggest weakness.

One of the reasons to share all this was that I could see clearly that objectively, meaning through the eyes of others who understand my situation, cutting her out of my life is the only logical and smart thing to do. It's not even so much about her per se, but my inability to get rid of something clearly toxic in my life (again, exactly like it was with PMO). Maybe quitting PMO finally made me realize I can and must clear many other nasty habits/addictions/relationships. It's not selfish at all - it's self preservation, it's necessary for further growth. That's some old and heavy baggage I've been carrying for some time now. Time for me to finally let go. Same goes for all of us.

 

That's why I didn't want to get technical and into it. It's just the way I see things, which is obviously different than yours. Also I am not a native English speaker so I might have some trouble expressing myself fully (not that I lack language skills but this is a pretty deep topic). Of course I don't love them in the sense that I worship them, or like to play with them, want them in my life etc. I do view them as hostile entities, but then what's the difference between a human hostile entity and other forms? You still have to love your enemy that's the right way I feel, meaning not hate them. Demons hate, fight, attack, slash, kill etc. Anything that comes from God is surely done with Love, because God is Love.

1 John 4
8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Don't get me wrong. We are on the same page on what needs to be done. Maybe a bit of a different attitude, that's all. I would say I'd like to lovingly quit PMO, however that may sound to you. That's all I was saying.