I need advice on how to ward off strong temptations to see sex workers

Hello

I am a Canadian male. I am 25 years old. About 3 weeks ago, I went to a massage parlour and lost my virginity to a masseuse. The following day, I went back again and had sex with another masseuse. I had been a virgin up until that point and had never ever been intimate or sexual with any other female in any way whatsoever. I never knew what sex was like and was struggling with very strong urges. I had been trying super hard to ward off the temptation to see a sex worker up until those visits but I did not succeed and gave in. I struggled with immense and deep feelings of guilt and shame after those encounters. In addition, my anxiety and OCD made everything worse and I kept obsessing about STDS (even though I was protected during both sex and blowjobs given) and obsessing and worrying about all sorts of risks. All logic flies out the window when you are obsessive-compulsive and, unfortunately, no amount of logic at the time could have quelled my irrational feelings. I had nightmares, cried, lost my appetite for food, and could not focus for most of my day. Reaching out online has helped me a lot and I now feel better and I am starting to move on with my life (I am very much thankful to online forums in this respect and the kind users who have helped me online because I could not have imagined myself talking to anyone about this; these random strangers were my heroes really and I thank them from the bottom of my heart). Up until now, I still obsess about certain things and the thoughts of what I did come back occasionally to haunt me but it is not as bad as where I was for I was in a very dark place. Even though I understand that what I did was normal and not to be ashamed of by many accounts, the feelings of guilt/shame and the worries just kept happening for some reason.

I am glad that I am moving on. However, at this point, I still deeply worry about potentially doing this again. I have not up until now. For the most part, just the knowledge of the horrible feelings of guilt/shame, and obsessive worry that will accompany any possible decision on my part to do this again have been enough to prevent me. I definitely do not want to experience what I experienced again. And that has been a strong enough bulwark. However, I have a feeling I will be struggling with sexual urges again soon. And, I hope to God I will not resort to what I did again if that ever happens. I am glad what I did was just for a couple of times. Because another thing I was worried about was the possibility of being driven down a deep addictive cycle of paying for sex again and again and again. Besides the destruction such a possibility would cause to my fragile psyche, just think of all the money that will be lost (it is really expensive) that I could otherwise spend on more constructive things (causes benefitting the world for instance or even self-improvement). Of course like many guys, I wish I can get into a loving relationship where then sex would be much more meaningful. However, I cannot guarantee that this will ever happen. I do not know what I am doing wrong. But, (excuse any pretentiousness the following statements may carry; it is really unintended) I think I am quite good-looking, I am sociable enough, of good manners, and have good hygiene. I feel I just have not been lucky or maybe my anxiety gets the best of me and I never work up the courage of expressing my feelings for someone I love because I never want to be creepy or make anyone feel uncomfortable. Besides, I feel that almost every girl you meet is taken. I am not the type of person who would complain about being friendzoned or whatnot. To me, it is an absurd concept. Being friends with anyone (be it guy or girl) is such a wonderful thing and not something to bewail in any way. I appreciate all the friendships I have made. But, of course, this is not say I want to be single. Humans are social animals and have needs for companionship. And, living alone can be very depressing and people get on with their lives and their families and forget all about you (not blaming them of course nut just expressing the reality of life).

In the case I am not ever able to get into a relationship, how do I prevent the temptation to see a sex worker? Or better yet, how do I even avert my sexual urges. At this point, I sometimes really wish I was asexual. Sex has been a huge distraction from so many constructive things I wanted to pursue (and unfortunately, sexual things are around us all the time; whenever I try to avert my thoughts about sex, it gets shoved into my face either online or offline, at which point my obsession about it just abruptly returns) . Before those encounters when I was a virgin who had never experienced any form of sexual or romantic contact whatsoever in his life, at least every day would involve some time where I would obsess about sex or feel so broken because I never experienced what it was like (it almost seemed like when God (if he exists at all) created the world, he decreed that I specifically never receive any form of love from a female who is not a relative). I would avert the sexual urges by focusing on other goals that make me happy and trying to improve myself in other respects (like read things and learn things and engage in hobbies etc) but they have been a short term distraction). They never work to block my urges completely. I sometimes hate God/nature for putting these urges in us. Life is starting to feel so hard. Many times, I wish I was never born.

If you have any advice on how to fight the temptation of seeing sex workers (I have nothing against sex workers, I respect them deeply and wish them the best; I love all humans and hate no-one) but I know my life would be ruined if I ever keep paying for something as addictive sex and spending so much money on it. Many people who hire escorts keep doing it for the rest of their lives. I hope I will never be one of these people for all my other goals would fly out the window and such a habit may then reinforce a self-fulfilling prophecy which would entrench in my mind the idea that I can only pay to get sex and that loving relationships do not exist at this point. If there is even something you have that could make me hate sex, I would appreciate it.

I sincerely apologize for such a long post and for writing too much. But, if you have anything that could help me in my difficult situation, I will love you forever (be deeply grateful).

Thank you

 

Thank you @AxelF. I really like your answer. I appreciate it very much.