Addicted to TV show, net, Porn, computer, movies

Right now I just watched 10 episodes of friends. I tried hard till 1am to not but I gave in. I am addicted to computer, Porn, TV shows, movies anything Entertaining. I don't know what to call myself.
Accepting yourself to be an addict feels sick. I feel I can't be treated as I have tried before many times. But to think you are OK and this is normal you feel normal about yourself and not guilty and depressed. If I accept that I am addicted than I know I have to give this up which is very tough an Constantly demoralising when I relapse. But when I feel it's OK I don't feel bad and somehow feel it's OK in a controlled way. I am not sick and I don't need help. Up then I had to go to office today but I don't think I would get up on time.

 

There are many problems that I face, some of which feel so riduculously silly to my friends like binge watching, game addictions, pmo etc. I have lost all focus and direction in my life. I was actually preparing for an exam in august 2016 for which I had to study a lot(on an avg. 10 hours everyday). But due to these addictions I have lost the belief and hope of any success. I was very good student in school but in college life I began my path to these addictions. Now i cant come out of it. I was really hopeful of recovering and giving my best shot for the exam. More than succeeding in the exam, I was passionate about reading about things that would be part of the syllabus of the exam like Physical geography, economics, science, World history, Indian history, Political science, Environment, culture etc. But I have been a huge failure towards any of my goals. Even when I was at my peak during the SHL1 path I used to study for 5 hours on avg.. This happened till Nov.1 but then also I was constantly fighting my inner battles with addictions and faltering. Sometimes I used to relapse after 5 days andsometimes even 1 day. After getting through that period I had developed some inner dedication and got over addiction in Oct. and used to study 7 hours on avg.
But this last one and a half month has been torrid and a regret that I cant get over as I had thought myself to come so far only to have fallen back to where I was back in june. Now I am in a vicious cycle of Tv binge and pmo+ game addiction + sport addiction. I enjoy those things coz watching shows like friends, mad men, parenthood, these all have feel good factor and Now I am addicted. Right after getting up I cant do anything but binge on tv and continue to do it till late night till I doze off that too when I cant keep my eyes open. Straight after writing this also I have strong urges to get back to binging and I would cede to it as I have lost the inner mechanisms that I had built to deal with them. Even when i start trying again regret and dissapointment overwhelms me to binge watching rather than trying again which looks futile due to past failures. Even if I dont think them as failures and count them as experiences it feel too hard to reach the level ofresistance and good lifestyle I had reached and also the time and effort required again to reach that level feels too much as then theres is that disspointment over not reaching anywhere near to my goals regarding my studies. If I start again then I feel I would have to give up on my study goals as they wont be achieved as I have been left too far behind. I had been preparing since oct. 2014 along with my friends but they have gone too far ahead in that pursuit and my battles with these addictions seems so small and pityful to them and to metoo.

 

I just watched 2 hours of cricket match. I should have studied but I didnt. Now I am depressed about my weak resolve and self control. I know what's the right thing to do but I don't do it. Also I was thinking that it doesn't matter if I watch a match today I can study afterwards but now I am feeling low that I can't give up these addictions.

 

I just pmo instead of studying. So I am feeling hopeless that I can recover from this addiction. So I have given up again and now I will watch TVs show for 4 hours

 

Yesterday after watching porn for 1 hour, I felt so guilty that I felt that I can never give up these addictions and have self control. So to escape all sadness I binged on friends TV show for 5 hours. Then I got up at 3 pm and watched TV show again for 3 hours. Then I stopped it and went to gym bcoz I knew it was right thing to do and also my friend forced me to. Then as usual I regretted not controlling myself. But after coming home I again don't feel like studying which I should be doing. I keep regretting seeing the book that I could have completed by now if I hadn't Binge watched yesterday.

 

Yesterday I slept at 11 and got up at 4. Then I studied till 6 am. After that I didn't feel like studying , so I read the newspaper and just passed time doing nothing substantial.
Right now I should be studying if I need to complete my goals but I'd rather watch a show at waste time. Why do I have to force myself to study and not feel good studying for hours. Why I don't get feel good factor by studying . why I need to be disciplined and self controlled to study and not just wanting to study.
From 4-6 am I wanted to study but not now. I used to study for 10 hours on avg. In october by using pomodoro technique but that was also too by employing so much self control and forceful discipline of controlling the urges.
But the greatest dissapointment I face is that after doing the right thing like studying for 10 hours daily I used to feel good that I don't waste my time.
Why do I regret later when I don't do what I should do but rather act on the urges to just lie down, or watch TV. It isn't that I just waste time I could go to gym right now or watch some educational video , go to office but then the ideal thing would be for me to study right now.

 

Right now I have the option of either studying which would I have to force myself or watch a movie,or a educational video or a match on TV. Let's see what I choose.
Why can't I get my priorities straight and not feel forced to do what should be the right thing( studying)

 

Just after writing my journal, I felt asleep thinking in my mind that I shouldn't. I was planning to study today from 9 am to 6 pm or go to office but I didnt do either. I have slept from 9-12 and then 12:30 - 4 pm. Now too I want to sleep as I don't want to study. I can only motivate myself to get up for gym, so that's what I am waiting for. Why do I sleep so much. I am sleeping around 14 hours everyday for the last 15 days. How can I want to sleep so much.
I have been thinking of seeing a psychologist/ psychiatric but I don't know which one should I go to. Also I feel it will be futile as I don't want to be that person who can't deal with his small problems.
If I can't deal with these addiction how I would I be able to conquer my bigger goals.
I am awake now just waiting for clock to strike 6 so that I can go to gym. I have become so lazy and procrastinator wanting to change without doing the hard part. I feel like that already tried the hard route from June - Nov 2015 but to no avail. As I am right now below the point I used to be when I started this pmo journey in June. Though I am now PMOing for last two days but I ain't doing anything productive. I have lost all motivation to change as I feel it will all be futile like last time. Also it would take so much to time and effort that I don't have. What's the benefit of going through all this when I won't succeed in my goals as I have already got too far behind. Sometimes I feel maybe I am not passionate about what I am doing but idk maybe it's my lazy mind telling me that. Because if I do study and work according to my schedule I feel confident and hopeful of change again. I am so co fused right now. Now I just want to give up on these addictions but the thing is I feel what to do instead as I can't sit idle trying to give up these addictions. I thought I would study but I dont.
I want a journal like this as it use to be in October:-
Path to redemption
Day 18
Slept at 1 am and got up at 7 am
Todo list

Alignment

• Cold shower- done
• Gym- done
• No PMO- done
• No tv show binge- done
• No internet time wastage- done
• Sport addiction control- done
• Read newspaper- done
• Study - done- finished 18 pomos
• Control entertainment/ time wastage-done

Misalignment
None as per my goals for this month.

ANALYSIS
Events of Day

• Got up at 7 am
• 7 -8 am: Freshen up + Some light breakfast( Apple + Sprouts)
• 8 am - 2 pm- completed 10 pomos of study + breakfast( Upma + buttermilk) + lunch( Kadhi Rice)
• 2-5- Read newspaper + Grooming + Took bath
• 5-7pm - Gym + dinner( Kadhi with chapati)
• 7-12 am - Study Completed 8 pomos + Grooming + Some light snacks( cottage cheese + butter milk) + Fruits

I want to follow my schedule I used to follow in October but this happened after 4 months of hard work and training my mind and body to give up addictions.

 

Yesterday after trying to control my urges till 3 am I gave in but I didnt watch porn or binge watched TV shows. I watched some YouTube videos on US presidential debate and other related stuff.

Then around 6 am I wanted to watch porn due to being depressed about my lifestyle and hopelessness to change. Also this has happened so many times in the past that I have planned to change but only to falter the next day which weakens my resolve to try again.

But due to my family getting up I couldn't watch porn so I slept at around 8 am and got up at 3:30 pm. Again I was depressed to be consumed in the vicious cycle of addiction with neither hope of countering it nor any resolve of trying. But then around 6 I called my friend and told him I am coming to gym.
After coming back from gym around 9 I knew u should study instead of watching cricket match but I did that. Then my Sir called and I had to tell him that I was coming to his flat to study. I went reluctantly , forcing myself in hope that I would feel better.
After studying all night I felt better. But why does it keeps happening constantly that I have to force myself to do the right thing and not look for instant gratification. Why do I don't have any motivation to give up instant pleasures and addictions and work towards my long terms goals.
Also nowadays My sleep cycle is really miserable. I am sleeping for more than 10 hours. Idk if sleeping in morning from 6am-3 pm has to do anything with it.
But today I am confused whether to sleep now and get up at 3 am or play outside and force myslef to be awake which will be super hard.
Day 1 - Feb 12
Alignment

• shower- Not done
• Gym- 6: 30 - 8 pm- Done
• No PMO- done
• No tv show binge- Done

Misalignment

• No internet time wastage- not done
• Sport addiction control- not done
• Study - at least 6 hours- Not done
• Control entertainment/ time wastage - not done

 

Feb 13 - Day 2

Yesterday I went to play cricket with my friends around 9 am. Then I slept at 12 pm and got up at 5 pm. After that I again went to play cricket. Then I spent some time with my friends.
Around 9 I went to my Sir flat to study.
I studied from 10 - 12 and then from 2 am to 7 am.

Alignment

• shower- Not done
• No PMO- done
• No tv show binge- Done

• No internet time wastage- done
• Sport addiction control- done
• Study - at least 6 hours- done

Misalignment

• Control entertainment/ time wastage - not done
• Gym- Not done

I studied for 6 hours and played ccricket. It's was a good day spent comparing with past few days.

 

Feb 14- day 3
After coming back from sir's flat I went to play cricket from 10- 12 . Then I slept from 2 -8.
After that I studied from 10 pm to 12 am.
Alignment

• No PMO- done
• No tv show binge- Done

• No internet time wastage- done
• Sport addiction control- done
• Study - at least 6 hours- done

Misalignment

• Control entertainment/ time wastage - not done
• Shower- Not done
• Time management - Not done

I didn't manage my time well. Felt tired and lazy pretty much the whole day. Not upto the eeffciecy I want to reach.

 

Feb 15 - day 4

I slept at 12 am and got up at 3 am. Then I studied from 3 am to 7 am. Then I came back to my house and had breakfast.
Then I read the newspaper from 10 to 12 pm. After that I slept from 12 - 7 pm

Alignment

• No PMO- done
• No tv show binge- Done

• No internet time wastage- done
• Sport addiction control- done

Misalignment

• Control entertainment/ time wastage - not done( watched TV from 10 -11 pm
• Shower- Not done
• Time management - Not done

Rating 5/10

 

Feb 16- day 5

I studied from 4-7 am. Then I read the newspaper and wasted time from 9-12 pm.
After that I slept till 7 pm.

Alignment

• No PMO- done
• No tv show binge- Done

• No internet time wastage- done
• Sport addiction control- done

Misalignment

• Control entertainment/ time wastage - not done(slept too much)
• Shower- Not done
• Time management - Not done

Rating 5/10

 

Feb 17- day 6

I studied from 10- 6 am . Then I went home and had breakfast.
Then I went to meet my friends in Delhi for counselling regarding my career choices.
Alignment

• No PMO- done
• No tv show binge- Done

• No internet time wastage- done
• Sport addiction control- done

Feb 18- day 7
I came bbackafter meeting my friends at 7 pm and went to gym. Then I slept at 10 pm.

 

Feb-19 day 7
I slept at 10 pm and got up at 7 am. Then I had some light snacks and again slept till 11 am. This was due to less sleep for the previous two days. Then I studied maybe for around 1 hour and kept wasting time in other stuff.
I went to gym at 7 pm and then I studied for 1 hour and slept at 11 pm.
Alignment

• No PMO- done
• No tv show binge- Done

• No internet time wastage- done
• Sport addiction control- done

Misalignment

• Control entertainment/ time wastage - not done(slept too much)
• Shower- Not done
• Time management - Not done
• Study- Not done ( only 2 hours)

 

Feb 20( Saturday) & feb 21 -day 8 & 9
I didn't write my journal yesterday due to laziness and procrastination. Also I have got fed up of how much I want to sleep.
If I start studying I feel sleepy and lie on the bed and as a consequence sleep. But If I waste my time with TV then I don't sleep .
Though I didn't binge watch or watched porn, I completely wasted my time both days.
Alignment

• No PMO- done
• No tv show binge- Done

• No internet time wastage- done
• Sport addiction control- done

Misalignment

• Control entertainment/ time wastage - not done(slept too much)around 12-14 hours both days
• Shower- Not done
• Time management - Not done
• Study- Not done ( only 2 hours)

Rating- 4/10