NoFap and realizing you have toxic friends

I hate to say this, but my old whore-mongering friends were so much more fun than my current sober Christian friends. But I had to cut all ties with them so I didn't get drawn back under the waters of PMO-escorts. It was the best thing I ever did. But I occasionally think about them because we shared so much together and had connections. I am in a much better place without them. I DEFINITELY have more money.

 

This is so true and a healthy life seems boring actually it is boring but the only reason it is boring is because we are still looking for more. We don't realise how happy we are now and dont appreciate it.

 

Wise words DC. I got high on the risk of PMO. Fapping at work or in public places brought a chemical reaction that now I have to seek in other ways and other places. I'm starting a business now. The risk is a trip! And much less dangerous.

 

LOL a trip!!!

 

I suppose it was easier for me because I realised that most of my toxic friends were online. PMO and escorts just weren't something I ever felt comfortable sharing with others. However, if there's one piece of advice I can impart it's this. Your friends are a reflection of you. What this means is that if you want to change completely, you sometimes have to bite the bullet and get rid of your old friends. Move them out of your life for good. Cut ties.

In time, the new you will attract new friends into your life that more accurately reflect your updated values. It could be difficult for a while though. Some new hobbies to replace the PMO will help. A good analogy to use here is the one about the caterpillar and the butterfly. The caterpillar has to go into the cocoon at first, where it's very vulnerable. However, if it wants to become a butterfly at the other end, a difficult period is necessary.

 

Agree with the above, but I want to add something to it. As human beings we like to romanticise the past, and look at it through rose-coloured glasses. This doesn't just apply to PMO, but to anything we've done in the past. If we slept with escorts who occasionally gave us great sex, but more often were just disinterested and took our money, we always think back on the good ones and tend to ignore the bad experiences. When it comes to PMO, we tend to look back on the orgasms and the excitement of whatever we PMO'd to, but we don't think of the time we wasted or the opportunities we missed because of it.

At the same time, we like to complain about the present. If we've given up PMO and boosted our fitness, we think it's 'boring'. If we've given up sleeping with escorts and boosted our bank balance, we think of the lack of variety in our sex lives. Nothing is perfect and we humans are exceptionally talented at finding fault. Hence the reason people refer to the "good old days" and ignore the fact that life expectancies today are much higher than they were.

So here's a suggestion: Try to consciously think of the negatives of your past lifestyle, and of the positives of your current one. This won't be easy because your brain (and more importantly, your ego) will try to resist. Think about the time you overspent on escorts and stressed because it was difficult to pay your bills that month. Then think about how you don't have that problem anymore. Think about the time you spent all day watching porn, and how you had a mad rush to complete something you wanted/needed to do. Maybe you didn't get it done at all. That's another problem you won't have in the future.

 

The statistics show time and time again that the people who get the most satisfaction, happiness and fun out of life are married people with careers who have/had children.

Yet television and movies would have us think that being married, working and raising children is monotonous and boring.

Not true.

 

This is really interesting. i think this is a bit like the gratitude challenge with a twist. The twist is to see that the past is not as rosey as we think it was and see the positive aspect of the present - our new healthy lives. This is true so it should work. It focuses on what we have rather than what we dont have.

This was my 1,000th post

 

Lets set up a joint thread about this?

 

Hi thatoneguy123,

Getting back to spotting toxic friends, I would say do you feel better about you after being with them. It is like PMO, you might think it is OK until you start thinking there is something flawed about yourself. I would say that a toxic friend is someone that doesn't want to call you to a higher place and doesn't want to be called higher himself.

 

This is my best idea at this point. Be the change that you want to see in them. Stop being fake yourself if you are, be open and direct with a few of them. The posers will run, the ones that want to be called higher will finally see the leader and follow. Sometimes leaderships is as simple as being the first person to leave a burning building.

 

Cheburashka, there are some pretty cool roller coasters, out there. It's FUN to ride the great ones, maybe a dozen times. Then, it's not satisfying, nor fun. Temporal FUN stuff is just that, short term, the flesh & blood becomes dulled to the excitement...kind of like a limp dick, after years of P. JOY, on the other hand has lasting benefit. Maybe taking your kid (or a little brother) on the roller coaster a dozen time is dull for you, but the JOY of having your kid having fun, is more awesome and Joyfull. Thus, the old life may be acknowledged as FUN, but we know that the fun, your old pals have, lurks w/ danger and disappointment. Disease, pregnancy, unfaithful-untrue relationships are not fun. Seeking JOY, even with the old pals, is a possibility. In fact, if these old pals are really FRIENDS, they will respect your new life and be attracted to you, because of Joy. (They may be sick of skanks they toy with.) Reach out to the best of your old whore-mongering friends. If the friendship is real, you might have an amazing impact on him, maybe w/ guy(s) that really want change, also. We are not in a holy huddle of Brothers. We are called to be light and impact the world. We all can be used by HIM, and that will produce Joy, and fun along the way. You know this. We need to prove Joy trumps fun.

 

this is so true, becasue true happiness is to give, and not the opposite to take. When you have a family then you unconditiontally give as much as you can and then you get same in return, therefore you're happy.

 

You can feel their ego channeling through their actions. They always try to be understood before understanding someone. They're skeptic about new habits. They tend to hide their weaknesses, apparently they show no fear.

 

Mark Q in SacredSexualityProject.com talks about Transmutation on the Horizontal and vertical axis. Our Horizontal axis lizard brain seeks basic survival and warmth (immediate gratification), the easy to get stuff which may have detrimental impact on us. We have to "out think" the Horizontal decisions, hanging with bad buddies or watching P. We must put cognitive reason towards the impulse and ask if that impulse is a short term, quick gratification action or move to the Vertical axis and ask will the delay in immediate gratification can use something better "down the road". I did this 2times today, took actions to be more productive, after wasting time on my Pad, which could have led to P. Nope, I took the cold shower, determined I wanted to work hard-knock out a project and got after it. How cool it will be when we have buddies on that Vertical axis to hang with, may be a cool woman who gives a lifetime of fun.

 

My friends certainly think this whole NoFap thing is just silly and a waste of time, yet they are doing no better than I am/was as a recovering PMO'er - Through my recovery I have learnt how fapping, porn can affect your emotional state and it shows in the negative outlook all my friends have (including myself) when we thin that it's just 'normal' and 'okay' to masturbate. They always complain about everything around them instead of going out and trying to affect any real change or at least just adopt a more positive mindset. I am slowly learning to surround myself with more positive people as friends can be good in life, but they can also pull you back...

 

Really? I don't look back on PMO with fond memories at all

 

I like what you said about fun and joy. Another way to explain it is type 1 fun and type 2 fun. Type one fun is only fun at the time you are doing it but you gain not benefit from it (hint hint porn). Type two fun is not necessarily fun at the time but you will look back on it and think "that was so much fun"

I recall a day back when I was 5 or something, and I was camping in Tasmania with my family. It was really really wet and rainy and when we found a campsite we took forever to light a fire, and ended up using heaps of oil and butter to light it because everything was so completely soggy. It was so freezing and we couldn't explore because it was nearing dusk. So we all huddled in the tent. And what I remember most vividly is mum cooking two minute noodles and broccoli over a little gas stove, and then we all ate together in the tent. Does not sound special does it? But it was awesome.

Sorry this has nothing to do with the thread really...