I'm not sure how long or short this is going to be but it's something I been wanting to share with the nofap community. Getting a girl WILL NOT SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS. Back when I was in my teens I always wanted a girl it was all I ever thought about. I would fantasize about them and create stories about them in my head. I believed if I just got a girlfriend it would Solve a lot of my issues. I would be happy and not lonely any more. More importantly was when I get a girl I could finally start living life.now is when my life really starts. Because of my childhood I grew up feeling insecure, shy, not worthy of love, not deserving of girls, not enough, not confident , all I knew was suffering. I grew up with an alcoholic father who caused me physical and emotional pain. When I got my first gf it lasted for a few weeks it happened at the end of 12 grade. I felt like I won the Super Bowl. You could not believe how happy I felt. But...... That happeiness of getting a gf didn't last long. Eventually all my inner demons that I never treated came back up. I felt I wasn't deserving of this girl, I felt there must be something wrong with her because why would she like me ? No one likes me ! Also love was never shown when I was growing up it was something that you just knew. So with this girl who I will call K when she would be or try to be lovey Dovey it made me feel super uncomfortable to where I would push her away. My inner demons led me to pushing her away and that was that it had ended with us. It crazy I got with K and then Shortly after the euphoria went away I still had this hole In my heart. At the time I thought well maybe this is the wrong girl because if it was the right girl I wouldn't feel this way. I always thought getting a girl would solve all my issues and make me happy and With K this was untrue. Another issue I had was codependeny. Besides wanting to control girls I would put them up on a pedestal and think they are better than me. I met 2 girls in particular where they didn't treat me very well at times and looking back I don't blame them. I had let them because I didn't love myself. If I loved myself I would not have let that happen or if I just gave the slightest damn about myself. I met other amazing girls in my life in which we could have potentially had something but my own insecurities killed anything from possibly happening. My point is girls will not solve your problems. Getting a girl is like trying to put patches on something that's broken but eventually those patches are going to fall off. For a while it depends on the person you will feel Euphoria. But trust me that euphoria does wear off and reality sets back in. Along with all your insecurities about yourself. If you don't want to push a girl away or want to have a happy relationship whether it last 2 weeks 1 month 3 months whatever you have to do the inner work on yourself first. I know it sounds cliche but on my journey this is what I discovered. If your feeling unworthy of women and you manage to find a gf somehow trust me eventually you will push her away or it just won't work out. Being with a girl should make you happier not happy. Lemme repeat that. Being with a girl should make you happier not happy. She should be the icing on the cake. Your living an authentic amazing life, trying to become a better man day by day and she just adds to it. She's not your main and only source of happiness. Find what makes you want to get up in the morning and go do it. life is short man we don't know how long we have on this earth.
Exactly! You must first get to know yourself and to learn to love yourself.After that you need to be happy on your own and enjoy life.If you expect someone else to make you happy then don't.Never get in a relationship to make yourself happy but to make the person you are with happy because out of her/his happiness you will be happy. The most important part is to love yourself before loving others.If you don't do that then you are dead in the water.So take time explore and love yourself.Once you have done that then you are ready to share that love with others
they say relationships reflect back to you yourself, like a mirror. I guess that means if like a partner treats you like crap its because you treat yourself like crap. I been the guy who was desperate to be in a relationship because I thought if I got in one I would be happy. When I did get in one or was talking to someone I was interested in, I was so clingy and doing everything in my power either to make this person like me or not leave me. I wanted this person to accept me because I did not accept myself. And let me tell you if I did get with them my world revolved around them. And when they left I was beyond crushed. This is an unhealthy way to live. An emotional mature man who we all should strive to be is a person who can deal with his emotions in a healthy way plus be able to fill his cup of love by filling it up with his own I agree with everything you said. How can someone love you if you don't love yourself ? And maybe someone will find a girl who does love them or deeply care about them but because you still feel unlovable since you never dealt with the root cause, subconsciously or conciously you will self sabotage that relationship with her. I've seen it time and time again either from me or others QUOTE="w95chris, post: 889189, member: 113827"]Exactly! You must first get to know yourself and to learn to love yourself.After that you need to be happy on your own and enjoy life.If you expect someone else to make you happy then don't.Never get in a relationship to make yourself happy but to make the person you are with happy because out of her/his happiness you will be happy. The most important part is to love yourself before loving others.If you don't do that then you are dead in the water.So take time explore and love yourself.Once you have done that then you are ready to share that love with others[/QUOTE]
I used to think like that too. I used to think "if I get a girlfriend, I will change for the better" some of my friends still think this but they never had the chance. The more desperate you are for someone the further away you are to them. Girls sense when someone is desperate and it's not a pleasant thing. Work on yourself and the person you want to be, then you'll be attractive.
I would like to think as you get older people grow out of If get a gf I will be happy, complete, change for the better etc but I think some still learn this lesson much later in life or never learn it at all. God being desperate sucks. Just thinking about some of the things I would text or message girls on Facebook to like me is making me cringe right now. QUOTE="RhysFromSpace, post: 889263, member: 123901"]I used to think like that too. I used to think "if I get a girlfriend, I will change for the better" some of my friends still think this but they never had the chance. The more desperate you are for someone the further away you are to them. Girls sense when someone is desperate and it's not a pleasant thing. Work on yourself and the person you want to be, then you'll be attractive.[/QUOTE]
Yeah it wont solve anything. But it will make it easier to deal with this loneliness, atleast for me...
Somehow I agree, but I had a different problem - I wasn't thinking that I was unworthy of her (let's say my K), but I was trying so hard she was getting sick of me... I know what means an alcoholic father which causes you physical and mental pain and how it influences life< but i think my traumas are working differently on my personality I guess - I was desperately trying to be a person which my father wasn't for me.
That's what I thought until I finally got a girl when I was 18. Literally not to long after I still felt unworthy still felt lonely. Getting a gf to solve your loneliness or pain is like fapping to deal with your emotions. Sure it gives you temporary pleasure but after you feel like crap and your back to square 1. Using a girl as a coping mechanism for your insecurities and loneliness only works for a bit it doesn't last long before all those things you were trying to hide start popping right back up. Your still not going to feel satasifed with your life I know it's not easy but like everyone mentioned we have to do things that want us to jump out of bed in the morning. Stay strong brother !
Lol I was writing to much I didn't want to go into other girls because people would not want to read a block of texts. I also had girls I tried so hard for.one girl actually asked me why I'm so desperate for ? Have you been able to rid yourself from that trauma or your still battling it now ??
I thought was free from trauma. I had serious conversations with psychologist, even called my father couple of times and we spoke (I haven't seen him for almost 20 years), so I was really considering myself free. But when I started Nofap, all the memories began to return. It was a nightmare for couple of days. I was feeling... I don't know! I wasn't blaming anyone, even my father... I was kinda blaming the fact that this thing happened to me and my mother, I wasn't mad about my father at all... it felt strange. But now I feel much better and all the memories are dissapairing again.
Very true, you actually replace your current addiction with a relationship addiction. This is kind of the same as a normal addiction just more social accepted. The real solution for healing and solving our problems is really digging deep inside of ourselves and curing our root. Or confronting our shadows / inner deamons. Of course this is a harder journey but much satisfying in the long run. If you try to solve your emptiness by having a gf then you will always feel that there is something missing. Focus on yourself first then on someone else. Good realization, good post! Dig deep, cure your root! Keep up the good work! Thomas
If you start thinking like that, everything should be an addiction. You breathe every day? Oh thats an addiction try to replace it with something else...
Not really, it is just a form of healing before you cover up your wounds. Btw I didn't say relationships were not allowed, it just said it is better to focus on your own before someone else/
I just saw your video link about urges ! Glad you mentioned sexual transmutation I feel like not enough people know about it or it's not mentioned enough. I'm def going to try the AA method with being one with my urges and just feeling it and accepting it. It might be challenging at first but I'm going to give it a few tries.
I know what you mean, guys. I was single until I was around 25, then got a girlfriend and all of that and let's just it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I thought I needed a girl. I felt embarrassed about being so old and never having kissed a girl. The whole relationship was a train wreck and things only got worse. When I used to think about relationships, I used to think about having someone to talk to and be intimate with. I didn't realize just how bad a relationship could be. I felt awful and I still have all kinds of guilt and hard feelings about that relationship. I wish I had never been in it in the first place. So, I was really lonely, right guys? And to be frank, I wanted to experience sex. So I went online and started learning about seduction and all of that and got some really terrible advice on how to pick up a girl. Well, it "worked" and I ruined a good friendship in the process and I mistreated my girlfriend. To be honest, I really didn't respect her as a person. I just wasn't very interested. Now, I look back and I wonder what she was like as a person. I'd like to get to know her better but it's too late. I think about her all the time. I think about how I mistreated her all the time. I'm filled with remorse and regret. I'd like to get back in contact with her but I don't know how. I think about her all the time and it makes me really sad. I'm crying now just thinking about it. She was so cute and she liked me as a person which is hard for me to fathom since I was in a really bad place, with a bad drug problem and mental illness. I don't know what she saw in me. I feel a little stupid for having these feelings all these years after what was a a 2-month relationship, maybe, if that. I mean, I'm sure she's moved on and had other boyfriends and doesn't think about me at all. Maybe I was a little harsh in saying I didn't care about her at all. I cared about her a lot, I just didn't know how to be a good boyfriend. She broke up with me and I took it really hard. I can't blame her but if only she knew me now. If I could do it all again, I'd go about things completely differently. I'd take the time to get to know her better. A piece of advice, be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.
Wow! Reading this post... so sad reading, but so true. Working on oneself. But the difference between a girl should make you happier not happy. Can you explain that one. Does it mean that the girl is just a part of your life, not the main thing in your life? The goal is Working on oneself to be a better person
Yes the girl is just a part of your life. She adds on to your happiness that you already have from within and doing your best to live the life you always wanted. You should try your best to be as whole a person as you can be so when you meet someone it's two whole people coming together. You and her.
