Post published by blighties246
Hi,
My SO recently told me that he working on addressing a porn addiction. I am very pleased that he is seeking support and help. I haven’t been doing a very good job of supporting him and I would like some advise on how best I can do this.
At first when he told me about his addiction I wasn’t very supportive. I felt insecure and betrayed. It has taken me some time to understand that this attitude is not helpful.
Now I just feel that I am saying the wrong things all the time and he keeps telling me that I don’t understand, and that I am not supportive. Recently he said that he was thinking about trying a 30 reboot and asked me what I thought, as this decision would also effect me. I said that I supported him if that’s what he wanted to do and then I tried to list the pros and some of my hesitations. However, it was apparently not what he wanted to hear. He wanted me to say “go for it” straight away without listing my feeling about it. Is that what I should have done? Is there a place for my concerns when someone is trying to get over an addiction? Am I missing something? I don’t really know. All I know is that he is angry, I feel hopeless and that I need some guidance.
SensibleChuckle likes this.
more_vert
TryingHard2Change
Yes! Your concerns are MORE than valid...porn addiction is 100% selfish -- he needs to break the selfish cycle and acknowledge and understand that your feelings of betryal are valid.
blighties246 likes this.
more_vert
TryingHard2Change
Abstinence from porn is not recovery. True recovery will completely transform the porn addict.
more_vert
blighties246
@TryingHard2Change. Thanks for your comments. Can you explain what you mean by True Recovery and how this is achieved?
SensibleChuckle likes this.
more_vert
SensibleChuckle
@TryingHard2Change do you mean to say that the nature of addiction is 100% selfish or that the person who is addicted is 100% selfish, could you clarify? Thanks
more_vert
TryingHard2Change
Porn addiction, while it is an addiction yes, it is by definition a selfish act; it produces a very selfish person. Depending on how long you have been involved and addicted, you have become entirely selfish.
more_vert
TryingHard2Change
Recovery from porn addiction has phases or stages -- https://www.iitap.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/ARTICLE_SexualAddictionAndCompulsion_PCarnes.pdf
Salt & Light likes this.
more_vert
SensibleChuckle
@TryingHard2Change I’m sorry I just don’t see how a person who has admitted they have a problem and are taking steps to change is completely selfish. I’ve done some research on your claim and I have to respectfully disagree.
Salt & Light likes this.
more_vert
TryingHard2Change
That is a really great PDF file..only 16 pages. Carnes is one of the leaders in sexual addiction (porn addiction) research. The bottom of page 6 starts the section about recovery. Page 8 goes over the 6 stages of recovery.
more_vert
more_vert
TryingHard2Change
But the selfishness which grew like mold inside of you during your years of hidden porn use do not just magically disappear once you realize how harmful porn is to you and to your relationship.
more_vert
TryingHard2Change
Your SO feels betrayed--because you did betray her. When she asks honest questions like "Is there a place for my concerns..." -- that is a signal that you are not hearing her concerns.
more_vert
TryingHard2Change
THAT is what I am commenting on..in regards to my comment about selfishness/defensiveness. I completely understand where you are coming from...all PA's have that instinctual reaction.
more_vert
TryingHard2Change
Keep reading about PA .. and recovery from PA. ALWAYS keep in mind that you have greatly harmes your SO / always consider her pain and her betrayal first. (Hard to do..I know)
more_vert
SensibleChuckle
@TryingHard2Change I must ask, do you also agree with the "co-dependent" or "co-addict" model postulated by Dr. Stephanie Carnes (daughter of Dr. Patrick Carnes)? And do you believe my partner fits into this model?