Post published by Gratefulforchange

I've noticed a downturn in motivation the last week or so. Prayer is slipping and time on here is slipping as well. Saturday night I couldn't sleep. I was restless and got up and made a massage appointment for the morning. I immediately felt the rush of acting out. I slept like shit and went and got the massage trying to convince myself that I wasn't going to act out. But I had no resolve. I didn't want to pray because it might have worked. I acted out and now I'm trying to convince myself that I don't have to reset because it was not PMO. I desperately want to stop acting out. I don't want to share this "out there" because I can't stand all the inane ideas and responses I see from people. I felt so happy and proud that I was succeeding. At 40 days I felt truly happy, like this was possible. We all know this thing can be pretty discouraging. Slips are common and momentum is vital. I want to stop all behavior but porn and all the stuff online is killing me. It's killing my soul. I figure if I can stay free of porn, I will have a chance.
I first got sober in 1988 (AA/NA). And probably started using sex as a replacement the next day. I have run the Gambit, all kinds of acting out and I have had some success in recovery but eventually, I always slipped. 6 months, 9months, 18 months, 9 months...... For 10 years that's how it went. Finally I decided I couldn't beat it, that I would have to manage it. That's where porn came in. I thought if I could keep my addiction at Bay by only acting out with porn, then I would be ok.
Well, that didn't work! Lol. It is doing me some good, being here. This is a great site and there is lots of good ideas and recovery here. I am trying to take what I want and leave the rest. Today, I am checking in. I talked to God and brushed my teeth. The rest of the day is my choice.
That's all I've got, thanks for letting me share.