Post published by Dubiousfiancee

Relationship Support

Relationship Support

Dubiousfiancee Public Jul 10, 2017

Hello. I am very new here, and would very much welcome your views.
I am the SO of a wonderful man. He's kind, smart, witty, and addict.
Approx 6 months ago I fell asleep next to him, as per usual. As per usual, he wasn't keen on sex. But unlike usual, I woke up around 01.30am. As I opened my eyes I saw him watching porn and masturbating in bed, just next to me. This broke me. I wanted to call the wedding off. I felt cheated, humiliated, betrayed, and completely insecure.

He admitted he was using porn since his early teens (he's 36 now), promised he'd stop, and said I should trust him. He didn't want to talk much about it. I had to take a gamble and prayed he'd stop indeed. We went through counselling (3 sessions), just enough for me to take a leap of faith and keep the wedding on.

Fast forward 6 months and I stumble on his porn again. I feel terribly disapointed, and angry. Most importantly I fear I may not be able to believe him/trust him ever again. The wedding is in 6 weeks time, and everything is ready, of course. I am freaking out. We both are religious, the wedding will be Catholic. When I think he was using porn as we went through the whole religious wedding preparation, I simply want to vomit.

I expressed that I needed him to completely stop porn. Not for 1 week or 1 month. Forever. I asked for him to activate the parental control on our internet network, and he did. I bought a couple of books related to the issue, and he has started reading one of them. In spite of that, I am struggling to believe that this time around he takes the issue seriously and will do everything in his power to recover.

Shall I marry someone I am struggling to trust?
I feel disrespected and cheated when he uses porn (and lies about it): shall I marry someone who I don't feel respected by?
Porn aside, he is a wonderful man, and I hope I will soon feel love again for him. Shall I ignore the hurt and focus on his good sides, hoping that things will get better over time?
I have not talked to anyone about this: if we were to call the wedding off, how can I explain to friends and family that we are cancelling and yet protect/respect my fiance?

Sorry for the long blurb. I am quite lost and would welcome views of men, women, SOs and rebooters alike.

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Eve26

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?forums/partner-support.32/

Eve26

Go there and you can read about the hell this has been for many SOs. It's pretty much all the same as mine.

Dubiousfiancee

Thanks a lot for pointing me to the right direction. Somewhat comforting to know that we are many. I may consider starting a journal of my own as well. Some inspiring stuff out there.

Eve26 likes this.

Zyn

What does he say about his habit? What does he seem to want?

Zyn

It sounds odd to me that he was watching porn and masturbating in bed next to you. What was he thinking? Perhaps he was hoping you'd be interested?

Dubiousfiancee likes this.

Zyn

I think you need to discuss postponing the wedding to try to come to understanding together about this issue that has come up. You need to hear eachother out and see these problems as part of eachother an be ok with it.

Zyn

When we marry, we marry eachother's weaknesses and vulnerabilities too and part of marriage is working together on these. We are all very imperfect and it is our struggles together that define us.

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Dubiousfiancee

Hi @Zyn, thanks for reaching out. Good questions. He now admits that he is addicted, but doesn't say much at all, except for "I'll try harder". Mind you, he is very introvert, and his reaction has always been to withdraw when he feels vulnerable.

Dubiousfiancee

I don't believe he wants me to be involved for 2 reasons: 1/ he immediately stopped and shut everything down when I woke up.

Dubiousfiancee

2/ before understanding that he was an addict, I actually offered to watch porn with him to spice things up (I thought he needed porn because I was being boring). He never wanted us to watch anything together.

Dubiousfiancee

I think I agree about postponing the wedding. Such a difficult time. I wrote him a letter explaining how I feel, that I am here for him, and that I don't think I can't marry him just yet.

Eve26 likes this.

Dubiousfiancee

he isn't talking much at all. I hope we can soon have a deep conversation about this. I, too, need to know what he really wants for the future.

Zyn

Hi. I see, so he doesn't find it easy to talk and may not be very creative in tackling his problems.

Zyn

But it sounds like you're quite open minded. I'm surprised you offered to watch porn with him. I think that's great. So you're not completely against porn. So what is it that bothers you so much about his habit?

Zyn

I tried giving up porn, masturbation and orgasm all at one and if was very very difficult and created new problems I think. I think a more gradual process could be helpful. At the moment I've given up porn but not masturbation.

Zyn

I'm trying to limit masturbation and do it differently. I'm also doing other things to try to understand my libido better and relate to it in a different way.

Zyn

I think the focus needs to be on the negative consequences of the addictive behaviour and taking steps to reduce those. Addictive behaviour is compulsive and removing compulsive behaviour completely may not be possible.

Zyn

Skillful moderation is key I think. Easier said than done!

Dubiousfiancee

@Zyn. I am not against porn (only against some abuse, most commonly against women, in the industry), not against masturbation. But I am against the consequences of porn when it becomes an addiction.

Dubiousfiancee

I am against being with someone that finds no interest in real life sex, someone who lies repeatedly about what he does, when and where, etc. etc. How am I meant to trust him and be fulfilled?

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