Post published by Yashoda

Here is my story in relation to sexual purity and a reply to my story from His Grace Mahatma das at the end:

MY STORY
I am brahman initiated and have been a devotee for 10 years now. I am 28 years old.
When I started reading Prabhupada’s Gita at the age of 18 I decided that I want to become a devotee. I immediately gave up masturbating. This happened effortlesly. The reading gave me so much that the desire or temptation to masturbate never occured in the next 6 years of time. I lived in the temple till I was 24.
And as I moved out of the temple because I wanted to get married and accept the proposal of my wife to-be things started to get difficult. I was never in a relationship with woman before and my hormones got a little bit crazy plus now I didn’t had the 6 hours of sadhana as before. We both agreed that we will follow Prabhupada’s standard of no illicit sex.
But the strong sex desire started to appear as we started to live together half a year before marriage.
In ”semi-consciusness” some hour after I went to bed I masturbated. But without any sexual fantasies. That was happening approximately once a week or once a month at best. So after 2 years I gave up on the idea of the highest standard because it didn’t make sense ”whiping myself” with guilt and shame over and over again.
And my mentor said in a class about sex in grihasta ashram and also to me personally:” It is better to have regular sex with one’s wife (more than just for procreation) than to have sex with oneself a.k.a. masturbation. Especially if the man is watching pornography (which isn’t my case). It is a higher standard of consciusness and the regular sex inside marriage gives you some realisations. That can’t happen with masturbation. But the best way to purify and detach onself of sex desire is to have children”.
And so after a year of marriage we decided to have sex regularly and it did decreased my masturbation habit, but it didn’t stop it.
Mahatma Prabhu's workshop inspired me to start working on this problem and adress it in my psychotherapy. And I discovered that because of an emotional difficulty and lack of regular self-care that I do masturbation.

Mahatma Prabhu (throug his sexual purity course) directed me to SA for more help.

Now I've been sexualy sorber for a good year and my sponsor was a chatolic priest who is also having similar challenges (for the past 30 years). He (as I) is determined to be pure. He first invited me to join the Sexaholics Anonymus group meetings and we did the first 4 steps.

Here is Mahatma Prabhu's reply to my story:

Mahatma pr.:

Prabhu

These goals are achievable, but it depends on your determination, lifestyle and association, and also the depth of the habit.

First, what you have gone through, and are going through, is not uncommon; neither is it uncommon to overcome this problem. It is important to realize that this problem will remain, to one degree or another, unless we are serious, very serious every day, practically very serious at every moment, to face it and deal with it. We have to deal with it sooner or later, and better sooner. It won’t necessarily get any easier, but could become more difficult. And being in the association of a sexual purity group like we have now is the best time to face this head on with determination like you’ve never had before.

Because most of us were raised in a very sexually stimulating culture, having girlfriends, masturbating or watching pornography from an earlier age, jumping into celibacy or some form of sexual control is a courageous move. But it’s definitely a battle. And as you said, one of our greatest weapons is good sadhana, because we need all the mercy we can get to overcome this intense desire.

Having said that, it is good to view, and if possible feel, that self-control is blissful, wonderful, satisfying, and empowering. Giving into our desires is certainly not. Always keep this in the forefront of your mind and attach pleasure to control and pain to giving in. This can be a huge help in conquering the seemingly unconquerable senses. I could eat that junk food, but when I eat something healthy instead, I feel not only physically better, but emotionally and spiritually powerful. We really need to exhibit more self-love. If we really love ourselves, we won’t let ourselves do something that goes against our higher intentions, because if we do we cause ourselves to feel horrible. So you can tell yourself, “ I love myself too much to cause myself suffering” and then work to make this affirmation a deep feeling and belief within you.

I have personally put a high value on celibacy. It is attractive to me (distinct from what my senses demand). I think this is why I have been able to control myself fairly well all these years even when it was difficult. The senses say “Do this, you’ll enjoy“, yet I have conditioned myself to not see it as enjoyment but simply an action that would cause me to hate myself for doing it, and worse, put me a step further away from Krsna. And my whole life is dedicated to taking steps towards Krishna. So do the opposite makes not sense, not only to my intellect, but to my heart. If you can cultivate this mood it will be of extreme value in those times when you start caving in.

I also learned (made my heart learn) to hate the idea of using women for my enjoyment. I felt this to be extremely shallow. The world is suffering and I must do something to help others; and I am going to be thinking about my genitals instead? I can, and should, do better. My life is for a higher purpose. Let others cave into lust; Prabhupada is asking me to be better. Let me step up to the plate and be different. Let the world go down this dark path. I am not going. The thought of being like every other uncontrolled man is so unattractive to me, that is has acted like a huge boundary wall of protection for me. Try to cultivate this mood. It is powerful. We have the cure for all ills of this world, and we are going to act like other ordinary men? We have to be better. And we have the process to be better.

There is a lot to be said about diet and exercise, since sexual desire is often linked to the physical as much, or sometimes more. There is also much to be said about the emotional, because sex can be an escape mechanism. Sometimes emotional healing will heal the sexual problem.

We will do a section on triggers. The idea is to catch yourself long before you go down the slippery slope that leads to sexual impurity. You know the steps because you’ve taken them many times. And when you start taking the first one, if you are conscious of those steps, you can stop way in advance of the danger zone, provided you have the determination to do so.

The above idea also fits in with this: remove environmental triggers.

Regarding sex once a month, or eventually only for procreation, that is a great goal provided your wife is willing and able to support you. Being in the same page sexually, if you are choosing restraint, is important. And your wife needs to know something about male physiology and how sometimes you are not in the right space to show physical affection in a controlled way. Women often don’t get it because their bodies are different. But somehow we have to help them understand this.

Lastly, if you can hook up with a Buddy to hold you accountable, this will be the final touch in securing a more sexually pure lifestyle. Because, as you know, we can become weak anytime, and at those times you need to call a Buddy and you talk to him in order to work though the lust and regain your sanity before doing something you regret.

What we are trying to do is create consistent sexually sobriety over weeks, months and years, because only when we build different samkaras, habits, beliefs and attitudes, will being sexually pure be quite natural. It doesn’t meant that sexual attractions go away, that a beautiful women will no longer look beautiful, but it means that we will no longer have the need or desire to exploit that beauty, but rather we will respect that beauty as Krsna’s creation and she being not something for our enjoyment but someone for Krishna’s service.