eternal fanatic

I'm 38 years old, am married to a wonderful woman and have two amazing kids. I've worked very hard to build a normal life for my family. I work hard at my job, and I dedicate as much time as I can at home.

I'm borderline bipolar and have social anxiety. Currently I have that under control with medication, but it's left be susceptible to a number of addictions over the years including nictotine and alcohol use, and to a lesser extent other drugs like pain killers, sleep aids, pot, and cough syrup (basically anything I could get my hands on). Then, of course there's porn and masturbation ...

I've been addicted to porn since I was 11 or 12, so a total of about 25 years. I've beaten my other addictions through therapy and medication; although, recently alcohol has resurfaced in my life to an extent (thanks to the pandemic). Over the last few months the porn and alcohol have become tied together somewhat, prompting me to recommit myself to quitting porn. Essentially, the porn makes me feel like crap and so I drink to deal with it which obviously makes everything worse. I've found that if I don't look at porn I don't have a huge desire to drink. Porn is a coping mechanism for my emotions and alcohol is a coping mechanism for the porn, and around and around we go ... While I'm unsure whether porn caused my mood/anxiety issues or not, I'm certain it has exacerbated them. Of all of my addictions, porn is by far the most difficult for me. I can't fathom why porn isn't officially considered addictive.

I don't know what life is like outside of porn. I've had short stints free of porn, but I don't think they were long enough to really experience what being free is like. I want to know what a porn-free life is like before I die.

I want to quit porn (masturbation as well - at least for now) for my wife and kids. I believe I'll be a better husband/father without it. It's also a matter of pride and dignity. I don't want to be an old man still masturbating to porn. Any other benefits are welcomed bonuses.

I know it's going to be tough. I've tried quitting several times with no lasting success. I feel like my life is accelerating, and now with the alcohol reering its head, it's do or die. This is it. I have to change, and I will, no matter how long it takes or how hard it is.