I can’t believe I’m writing this, but I finally crossed one of the few boundaries I had. I have been fantasizing over fucking cuck shit and jacking off to it. I’ve been watching porn for most of my adolescence, and I’ve been deeply entrenched in sissy porn for the last two years. After learning about the psychological harm of porn and masturbation, I've cut down on masturbation a lot. Instead of once or twice a day with porn, I do it about once every four days without porn. However, the stuff I think about has become more extreme. I’ve lost interest for the most part in old fetishes, but now I’m getting new, worse ones. I’m honestly just writing this to get it off my chest. If anyone has advise I’d appreciate it.
Relax. Its only fantasies, its all in your head. Who havent had fucked up fantasies (or even done fucked up things) being young? Besides, this ”cuck” thing is VERY common, dont feel bad about it man!
Stay FAR away from any of that stuff. You should feel achievement for cutting down to a 4 day gap. I think you need two have 2 aims in the short term. 1) Extend 4 days to a week. If you feel the need beyond once a week, cold shower immediately. Eventually you push it further to two weeks, etc. 2) If you relapse but begin to even think about those things, stop. You just lost your week pass. Every time you successfully masturbate with that stuff in your head, you are strengthening neural pathways which will reinforce the addiction. Break the cycle!
Many of us felt the same way as you and some of us still do. Drop PMO completely for 90 days and reap the benefits of your mind and body healing. Do not think that PMO has now mental side effects. It carries physical side effects too and they are not a joke.
I know how you feel. You start to change your tastes but it's not really you. Try not to beat yourself up about it. If you are horrified by what you are watching after you have M then it's your brain telling you something is wrong and you need to try doing things differently to stop. I'm in a similar situation and I'm going to try seeing a therapist.
This is part of addiction, escalation, shock and disgust paired with arousal is how you develop fetishes. Many of us have been down this road, with different genres. You're not special, these fantasies aren't any worse than other porn developed fetishes, none of them are real, all products of a reversible porn addiction. Start nofap now, you will fall, learn from your relapses, and things will get better.