I don't know what has happened to me. I am starting to become more and more scared that one of these days I am going to hurt myself. Ever since I came here to university I have been having more and more bad thoughts about myself and suicidal ones are popping up more and more often. While before it only happened once and instead I would just be too hard on myself it has started to turn into something worse. I cannot listen to others talk about their accomplishments without directly comparing them to myself and thinking that I am utterly worthless, and that I should not be allowed around anyone. I feel like no one actually cares about me and those that say they do are only doing it because I have started saying this stuff. At my job yesterday I was telling my managers about this because I am very vulnerable and say what is on my mind even if it is something like that. Two policemen arrived and had me talk to a counselor on the phone. I just feel like I have wasted my entire life even though I am only 18. All of my friends have so many amazing qualities and abilities and all I have is my crappy art, crappy music, Spanish knowledge and I just feel so horrible. Like the sadness encapsulates me in its own little bubble that I cannot escape. I have never self-harmed before but I have had ideas of killing myself, the only real thing preventing me from going through with this stuff is thinking of the pain. Even then I have all sorts of ideas. Shooting myself in the head at one of the bathrooms at work. Staying in my dorm room with no food or water for a couple of days. Texting all my friends goodbye before putting a bag over my head. I wish I could go back to when this stuff did not happen, and I do not know why it has increased like this. Why I care about certain things now that never mattered to me in the past. I do not even know how God feels about me. If He is disappointed. If He does not like me. I feel like I am a bad Christian for knowing His grace and yet I am like this. And because of my progressive views in religion I should not step inside a church. I cried talking to my grandma on the phone yesterday because I get anxiety about her being gone because I love her so much. She does not want me to go, no one does, I know all these things but I cannot bring myself to truly believe them. All I do is make people around me concerned and uncomfortable. I know how much sadness would be brought onto other people if I did it. There are so many that would be so depressed to see me go. So many that count on me and genuinely like to talk to me. But I am just such a mess right now despite the fact that I have not relapsed recently. I don't know where to go. I don't want to die. But each and everyday it is becoming more appealing.
Why don't you go to see a specialist? You are only 18 year old... man.. you are still a child. I was expelled from high school twice and I graduated high school when I was 25, I had no car, no driving licence, no experience in any kind of work, no money. Now I have a good job, I got driving licence, I don't earn a lot of money but that I've got is enough to have a normal life, I started learning english and deutsch and I hope for having a better life in the future. If you kill yourself you won't born again, it will be over.. you want it ? you want to kill yourself instead of try to improve your quality of life by seeing a specialist who can help you to get better ? My english is very bad but I hope you'll understand what I mean.
Hey, I agree with ShaolinMonk. Definitely go see a specialist. I struggle with suicidal thoughts myself, and I'm 17, but I keep this thought in mind: I'm only a teenager, I have a long life ahead of me, things will get better. Also I love your avatar. Yume Nikki is one of my favorite games of all time. There, have some positivity
See a therapist!! It 100% sounds like you have clinical depression and you need to get some real help. It's NOT YOUR FAULT that you feel this way and it DOESN"T make you a bad person. Many people struggle with these same issues. Please talk to a professional and if things start to get really dark and you feel alone in that moment please call the suicide hotline, there is someone who will answer 24/7 and talk you through those feelings: 800-273-8255
It is good that you opened up about those feelings, but to get the real support you need, is to open up those feelings to a therapist who can truly help you. You have a big future ahead, I had failed some exams 3 times before able to pass, I also kept telling myself I was a failure, it didn't help me pass the exam. What helped me, was finding different ways of studying, everyone is different, whatever your issue is, there is always a solution. If 10 solutions didn't work, there are 1000 other solutions to try. Behind every success are a 1000 tries and failures. People want to brag about their accomplishments, not about how many times they failed at something, you are only seeing what they want you to see!
