I call it 'cult' due to its abusive-destructive culture it brings. But most people --maybe you, too --and politically-correct mainstream medias call it a religion.
Bro, don't let all these things getting heavy on you. I am not saying that you forget about this problem but what I'm saying is that you need to face them one by one. This isn't a time for seeking condolences. Bro, you can have a better life. Don't just let yourself shy away from facing the world. Because those who hide, have the worst social status. I am telling you this because you need a paradigm shift. You need to see how the world outside sees you. You need to be in their shoes to realize where you have put yourself. Just for a minute there, look around you. Look at yourself. Now put your mind out there, as if you are not you. Leave your body. You should be seeing yourself as an outsider. Just look as a third person and observe. Take a paper. List the problem this person you see in the room has, prioritize each of them. Now see the top 5 and cross all the others. Now promise yourself that you will only think about THESE 5 PROBLEMS for next 30 days or more until you fix them. These should be your problems which you read and breathe. It's a time for operational research. A world war was won with the help of operational research. I'm sure as hell your problem is not bigger than world war no matter whatever it is. Take a problem analyze the shit of it and most importantly try out the alternative solutions in real life. One at a time. Firstly take the first problem. Today give yourself a whole day to think about this problem. List out possible solutions. I'd say first you need to get away from the place you are staying. You cannot take responsibilities of others when you yourself are lost. First, fix your problems and then you can come again and help others. Tell them that you are taking a break. There was a guy once driving on a highway, and his car broke down. Now this person gets out of the car and smashes it angrily. He was angered because he didn't know what was wrong with the car. He didn't know how to fix it. He didn't know any fucking thing about cars. He was stuck, he was broke and he had no one to call to. He was getting panicked in the middle of the road.He was tired of life giving shits to him and him not coping. He couldn't think and he left the place like that car never belonged to him. Everybody around that place gave him a contemptuous look. Why wouldn't they? They are people with responsibilities and they don't run away like a bitch. Some guy with a big truck hit that car and pushed it aside. Everybody thanked him and went on their way minding their business. Nobody gave a shit about that car or that person after 5 minutes. Nobody cared. After an hour or so the guy pulled himself together and went back to the road to do something about the problem. He saw his car was wrecked, now more damaged than before. He has no money, nobody to call to, and he thinks people on the road hate him because he can't do anything about his problem. But then he thought about the problem, was he really so helpless? Then he got back to his car and started pushing it. He started pushing it with his hands in full force. It was not even 5 minutes, people on the road came along and started helping him pushing the car. Moral of the story is if you refuse to help yourself, nobody gives a shit. If you help yourself, everybody wants to help you. Just like this forum. In any case, as long as you are willing to help yourself. We are here to support you, but you gotta get up bro. You gotta do what needs to be done. Much Love.
Tonight i calculate my chance to let my mother see my changed-for-better self: my mom is 52 years old now. Indonesian life expectancy (2015) is 69 years. That means i roughly had only 17 years left. Thats terrified me a little bit, because i have been ruined for 12 years by PMO
Damn! You read my mind! I did think about it: I am just one of 7 billion people in this earth. What i think really heavy, maybe it just another micro fraction of what our society has. I used to think that i want to do something revolutionary (like what Linus Torvalds, Elon Musk or Oskar Schindler) to this world, and every failure i experienced sent me to deeper hole of sadness and distances from my goals. Now i know that i still can do it, but i need to help myself first. Your post clearly describe it. Here's a few things i learned during my turbulent relationship with Rina: In order to make other people happy, you have to be happy first It's useless to change someone's mind if he/she didn't want to change
I am glad it did. You'll be surprised to know that so many of us here have exactly same dreams and the only thing which distracted them was PMO or drugs. Please take it as a motivation and update this post with what you are doing to help yourself. That way you will not only give us hope but also make this community better for so many years to come.
Today i fly to borneo, my hometown. A little refreshing environment after many sleep depreviation last 2 month. But it is so painful seeing my mom being sad seeing me so thin. 50kg at 176cm. She can see my sufferig but she also angry about me for being stubborn, dating Rina.
it's now 102 on my counter. i feel much improvement. Now i can swim at 2-meters depth easily without nervous. previously i can only swim in 1.5 meters pool. My swimming skill is really much improved, in line with my stamina. My City experienced Cempaka Cyclone a few weeks ago, so i cannot go to swimming pool those days. Only busy preparing my house for the worst case of the disaster (my house have a minor landslide. It's on the river bank). As a replacement for regular swimming, now i do jogging every morning and afternoon in the field nearby. I do it everyday. Not like most of guys here, i still experienced heavy brain fog and depression nearly everyday. I still easily forget things i've done an hour before. One good things: iam not easily went horny when looking at girls anymore.
