Already Hit Rock-Bottom at 23

I will tell you something

Most of you said that you suffer from PMO and it makes you virgin till 30s. Well, my story is a bit different. I lost my virginity at 20 and at 22 i impregnated a 34 y.o woman that gives me a twin babies. My relationship with this woman is really a on-off relationship due to my addiction and her insecurity issues. Currently jobless, skinny and have no home.

i have been addicted since 5th grade in junior school, so maybe since aged 11. I dropped out from uni. I missed my student activity, i repeat one year in hi school, i lost my motorbike (due to forgetful behaviour and panic when dealing with person who actually take care of my motorbike), i was fired twice, i keep myself from my big families, sleep 12 hours a day, no real friends, i collapsed my own business because failed to deliver my product to clients that already paid, my family forced to open my phone and there they found my sexting session with this woman (with her photo, naked). at 176cm i only weighted 50kgs. I lost my laundries by leaving them unwashed (but still soaked for 1 month and then went rotten), and people talk about my weirdness, and they hate me for being unresponsible. Maybe i will contine my story below....

 

@Rohieth Thanks. I try!
While in Uni, i was so lonely that i nearly killed myself (it was the matter of whether there was weapon/sharp knife or not. If there was, you can't see my post here) in my dorm room. I went panick when i hear footstep few meters from my room, wether someone will come to me and ask something, mostly responsibilities i have left. So while being depressed i browse facebook page, discussing a cult i really hate (this happened in January 2015). There I saw a woman posting about her doubt and willing to join the cult. I went so angry so i post a comment and privately send her message, convincing her not to join that cult. Since then we chat alot. one point lead to another till i tell her i like her, so we date. She already has 3 kids from 3 different man. I dont care. We just date (to be continued)

 

@HappyDaysAreHereAgain Awesome!

...we just date.
What i thought was just a casual date, eventually became the worst of many bad days in my life. This woman (lets call her Rina, not real name) became totally obsessed with me. As time goes, we did many crazy things. She became fully attached to me. I think it's mainly because her decade of struggle with her psychologically-abusive ex (father of her 2nd child), and years of physically-and-mentally abusive father during her childhood.

All of her 3-kids bio fathers have military background (believe it or not, from 3 different branches: Air force, Navy, and Army, and here i am, the only civilian sperm-to-baby provider for her). The one who stick around her is the navy guy.

After decades of abuse, she even believe that she cannot escape the navy guy. He will be around her and keep make her suffer. This disturbs me alot. I myself grew without a father figure (well, the happy-ending one is now that my relationship with my father has never been so good! Long story about that...).
everyday i can see that her kids suffers this condition, psychologically ruined. I thought the simple solution for her is there: 'Stop pretending and telling people that you're wife of an Marine Corps officer!'. How could you wish someone to fight for you, if everybody think you have a husband?

To be continued

 

Thanks. but sometimes i realized something differently. I will tell all of you later

 

...if everybody think you have a husband?'

After many cruel things i've witnessed myself, i take an extreme action. I tell her i will fight this navy guy. So i kept my relationship with Rina, altough deep in my heart i realized this is a wrong action. But hey, I'm addicted! I fail at anything! Let me make a success story by doing somethin pivotal! Why don't do something crazy by kicking him out from her life and then leave her? That's sound heroic! I know, it was stupid. But i did it. Now i realized that many (crazy) decisions i've made is related to brain damage i did by PMO-ing.

So the day come when i met the navy guy. He slapped me and threat me like a big loser, as usual. He belive it will make me stop approaching Rina, just like what happened before to her many ex-bfs. But i was high with adrenaline. I numb the pain. I wanted to show him 'Yea, with military background, you are trained to kill as many people as possible, but not everybody afraid to be killed. C'mon, hit me!'

I went home bleeding, he went home panicking. I can see surprise in his eyes that someone not afraid (of course, by numbing and bad reasoning brain) to be hit, threat and shamed by military guy. after that day, all his strategy to keep her stay with him started to be chaotic.

He deserted his military job. Usually, he gain money by tricking people outside town. But after that bleeding day, he began to trick people within our own town (obviously because he didn't want to lose his Rina and kids. Remember that abusive person is really jealous). Because he made a crime within our own town, police can easily tracked him. His crime: Emblezzing more than USD 13,000 for gambling and travelling. (Rina told me that he did this kind of crime more than 10 times. Why didn't get caught? Again, because he uses military background, and because Rina worried that her kids would know, she helps planning escape strategies, without ever enjoying the money he earned).

In July 2016, he was jailed for 2 years, and finally kids knows who their father actually is. Altough the eldest kids cry, they can accept it and life went normal.

This time, i won

To be continued...

 

Day 1! Congrats to me

 

...This time, i won

So here we go. Decade of abuse by navy guy have been stopped. Nobody belive it before, not even me.
But i didnt feel happy for long. Remember that i am addicted. Im struggling with PMO.
Before the 'jail time' happened:

I went jobless, i made conflict with someone during my 2-weeks of emergency stay. after that, i apply for a job in computer shop. i was fired by shopowner for not profiting him enough. He set target for me to finish 50 ads in internet, i only finish maybe 30 everyday, due to lack of willpower. I also started to make trouble with neighbour due to my forgetfulness to remove pubic hair in public toilet nearby (yes, i shaved it and forget to clean. stupid. ridiculous). Also, Rina kept visiting me while i working. Often for silly reason: bringing foods, jealousy because i didnt reply her sms during work, stealing Wi-fi signal, etc.

After being fired, i noticed that Rina have some issues. I begin to feel disturbed by her appereance, but also sometimes i also enjoy it too, because i am afraid to contact my old friends in uni (shame-based feeling of being dropped out, u know) so i didnt have friend but her in this town.

Just like me, Rina had so many issue that i think need to be solved, and i thought it was only me who can fix it.
I numbed my inconvinience about her. I thought, i need to stay because only me who can fix all her complains in life. She complain about her navy guy, i fixed it. She complain about always fail to be baptized in catholic church, i fixed it (by yelling hard at her when i know she didnt go to baptizing class just because i cant accompany her). Now she complain about not be able to open her culinary business for years because the navy guy always spent her money for gambling and her stoneheaded father have too high and always-switching expectations about the business. I can't leave her, i thought. I need to stay there, till i fix all the complain so she can get out of my life.

to be continued...

 

relapsed today. sucks. I will be back.

 

just day 3 and already hopeless thought is conquering my mind.

 

For you who want to know my past struggle to quit PMO here i found my video about this addiction while working at the computer shop in 2015 (i was fired not long after that). One of the symptoms is the grey hair. Anybody experienced the same?

 

Maybe this is the best video that describe Rina's condition right now. She herself was a victim of abuse during childhood, bringing her to such situation that ruined my life too

 

Day 5 and i can't feel anything, literally. Not even sadness, and just very mild depression. But last night i dreamed having sex with middle school girl.

Few disturbing thoughts appeared, however. Memoirs of my mother trying to survive raising me by herself when my father left us since i was 3 months old. When i stole her money for buying toys we she can't afford. When she looks for me, yelling on the road near my friends house with bicycle when i didn't go home after school. When i left her to other island (lovely indonesia!) while she was in her darkest period of her life. And of course, when she knew i have twin babies outside marriage. Disturbing, alot!

 

I can't tell it here since it might offend some people.