So I'm on day 6 of my 100 day clean reboot process. Have had major success so far about avoiding triggers and keeping my eyes and mind pure. Few flashbacks of porn images, but I wipe them out of my mind aggressively by shifting focus. My question is this: I have a close friend whom I've had sexual chats with in the past, in that both me and her would flirt a lot. After ditching all my communications with her for about a week, I returned to her, apologizing for my late replies to her messages, but also laid out some guidelines and informed her about my recovery. She also agreed to keep things strictly SFW and I am really grateful to have her as part of my life, but even when I'm talking to her, I still get aroused slightly and leak a bit of my Pre***, but I don't even venture into the realm of doing anything sexual, and I'm not actively fixating sexually on her at all. Its just normal conversations you'd have with a friend. Is this normal, and is it doing harm to my recovery to keep her as a close friend in my life?
Hmm that is a difficult situation for you. Even though you and her are keeping the chat clean- your brain/mind is still clearly identifying her and your conversation with her as something that could lead to sexual stimulation- the temptation is there, you know it could happen if you wanted it to and in the past you have talked sexually with her- you find her attractive- I think it is dangerous to your recovery to chat to her- I think you need a long period of abstaining and recovery before attempting to chat to her- if even merely chatting to her is arousing you a little bit- it's giving you urges and temptation that could lead you to a relapse and you just don't need that. Chatting to this girl seems like a trigger for you. You will need to decide whether it's possible for you to communicate with her at this time in your life.
Thank you for your insight, its much appreciated. I decided that in order for me to help cleanse my mind of sexual thoughts of her, it would be best for this stage in the recovery to not hang out or talk with each other one on one, but instead hang out a group setting with friends so that my mind is being actively engaged in other activities. Here's hoping that this will begin to retrain my mind to think of her as a friend and not a sexual opportunity.
It sounds like you have made a really sensible decision, even though it might be difficult. I respect that! Sorry about your relapse, I read your journal and it seems like you learnt a lot from that this time!
