Breaking up with PMO

This is difficult, it really is.

I've found so many reasons to keep using PMO and the slightest thing can tip me over the edge. I'm triggered so easily because there are underlying issues that I have yet to deal with and the more I use PMO the more I find myself running away from those issues.

I've grown to disguise my relapses. I'm an entrepreneur at heart and the opportunity to make money excites me more than anything else. Mentally I have disguised the beginning of my P binges as the beginning of me flipping content and selling on a subscription platform. Realistically i'd probably make pennies with some adult affiliate programs and I probably wouldn't see any significant profit for weeks or months, maybe years. maybe never.

Coming into this year I was SHOWN the solution to my problems. I heeded them for a day and the instant it felt too difficult or uncertain I tucked my tail and ran back to the PMO monster. I've wasted so much time since JUST then!

Tonight I fell into that trap again. Realistically the most I managed to do was message some people on Tumblr who I was reposting from in a miserable attempt to strike up conversations that would maybe lead to getting support for my efforts. No avail.

The answer is right in my face but it is dressed up as hard work. Lmao I hear that all the time in motivational videos but now that I say it I see how dumb I've been acting.

Looking back at how much i've been typing if I put this kind of energy towards freelance writing and school work i'd REALLY make some profit! The thing that haunts me is that I no longer have a vision for success. I'm living moment to moment.

My one DREAM at this point is to be a content creator for Twitch/YouTube/Patreon but I have not defined any clear goals. If anything typing this stuff out is clearing the millions of impulse thoughts I am carrying around in my brain. I feel calm and ready to take action. I'm going to continue cleaning my phone out.

Even if I do decided to ADD a revenue stream that has to deal with adult content to my streams of income it is NOT now. I am not mentally or physically capable of dealing with that kind of content on a day to day basis without further hurting my brain and body.

Therefore, this is a breakup letter. I'm through with PMO, i'm leaving this abusive relationship for the benefits of a healthy relationship with NoFap. I am not sure of the future but I am sure of one thing, if I keep going on like this I will die without achieving anything in this life and regardless of how purposeful/less this existence is I do NOT want to go out like that! This is a farewell to PMO, I have to leave you behind.